Friday, October 12, 2012

Day 168, 2012 Accepting the consequences of a choice.


There is a part of me that wants to do my job and get on with it so that I can do other things. These "other" things have in fact become much more important to me since I have become a supporter of the equal money movement. I realised that research work and the accompanying academic arena is a much tougher place to be and do just that, then, for example when running one's own business or being an employée in a company. I realise that this is also the part that no one told me about. What I did realise in the beginning, shortly after I moved away from the private sector, is that many 'rules' and 'codes of conduct' within the academic circle were rather obscure and hidden. 

Since I am no longer in the safe haven of 'supervision' I have seen the reality of academic life and have, for the first time, a much better understanding of why others did what they did, which I could not understand previously when I was studying. I can also see how knowledge creates a skewed picture of the money reality we live in, and how this also explains that academics are so out of touch with what really happens in the world to most people. In that I realise mostly the absolute slavery that exists within this sector of our society, and the delusion that an academic has to live to put up with this much slavery, with little compensation. This is comparatively speaking, regarding the amount of work that has to be performed to create a business and the kinds of compensations one receives from free enterprising. I have seen this too, I have been part of several start-ups where one has to work much as well, but where it actually yields a compensation that will enable one to do other things - these 'other' things I mentioned in the beginning.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my colleagues as voluntarily working as much as they do because they are workaholics, because they chose to do that to keep themselves 'busy' so as not to face themselves - whereby I realise that there is another reality I never saw as long as I was taken care of by someone else in the protective environment of my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prior to my choices have investigated this point in more detail, because I liked the "risk" the "adventure", the "prestige", and all the "ideas" I had that academia represented in that moment, and thus I am now facing the consequences for believing my mind/ego.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that prior to coming to Desteni I would have not considered this point further because I would have liked to have buried myself 'for free' - but now that I see that there is so much other stuff that has to be done and that can be done with time and application - and MONEY- I see that my "love for a subject" - has brought about a choice where I did not consider that which needs to be done to change the system.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - now that I can't have it - appreciate the relative 'life of security' when I was working in the private sector, where there is a better ratio between contribution and compensation and where after 'having done my hours' I can devote my time to other aspects of my life without further monetary concerns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am/was a workaholic and that academia is/was a perfect place for me to hide my face because I took part in the race for knowledge.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that working a lot is an escape I have used to not face myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sought out environments where I was required to work a lot, and in that I have had a excuse to say "I don't have to time for this or that (mostly for myself) because of...."


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself as 'not challenged enough' and that obtaining a degree was a way to meet this challenge, whereby I did not realise that the biggest challenge is to face one's mind - which is in opposition to what happens in the academic context.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to up until recently have not accepted these realisations and have wanted to find a way that circumvents this situation through strategy and cleverness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assess my reality in common sense where I must first of all accept my choices and the consequences I must face - and learn from the situation that I have created for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to be optimistic instead of being realistic in how I approach navigating my life on earth.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blinded myself when I believed that I can change the system with the tools of the system not realising that I can only change the system by changing myself though the steps that lead to self-honest living.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have since I have discovered the reality of my choices been "hoping" to soothe the "pain" of an unsecured, uncertain future where I must constantly apply myself in devising new ways to "beat" the system.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that what is happening now in my life is a wake-up call to the greater reality we all live in and a demonstration of how our choices are motivated by self-interest where we fail to see what is really here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate what is happening now because in all that is happening I can face myself which is what is most important at this moment for me to create a better place for all.


I commit myself to accept my choice and in that I stand one and equal to my choice.


I commit myself to access all further steps from a place of self-honesty and what is most lucrative for me and the group.


I commit myself to face myself within my next steps where I expose myself to my ego and assess with absolute precision my attachments and my motivations so that I can make a choice in common sense alone unaffected by ego and wishful thinking.


I commit myself to investigate what gets me excited about certain "ideas" which are really just thoughts so that I can stop this "excitement" once and for all and stop the energetic outflow, which I use to trap myself with when making decisions


I commit myself to realise - as Anu says - get comfortable within the system and then focus on my process, and within that I commit myself to make choices that support my process first and foremost.


I commit myself to face my emotions by letting go of ego points and standing here in self-support and within the stability of my agreement.


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