Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 166, 2012 A realisation about how "not to think"

When I breathe in awareness I notice thoughts keep coming up and that breathing in awareness has been "short-lived" and restricted to non-activity that is when I am not actively participating in some task in the world. The other day I was riding my bike and I breathed deeply but this time I actually breathed into my body, in other words, I made myself aware of my whole body as breathing entity during an activity.

I was peddling and breathing - all of me was breathing and in that I realised that I actually was not thinking. To be here in breath means to be here as entire physical body breathing in awareness where I experience all of my body at the same time: my feet on the peddles pushing, the wind in my face, my hands holding on....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breathing and trying "not to think" is actually not thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have a body that is breathing and not just my lungs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to use knowledge and information regarding the point of breathing because I have been told that it is my lungs that are responsible for breathing in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I exist in my head and am disconnected from my body where I am not aware of how the rest of my body is doing moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that "not thinking" is actually quite simple but to remain here in my body at all times when breathing and placing my awareness into my body during whatever activity I am doing, for example as I am writing these words - is the challenge of my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this is the disconnect I am experiencing between my body and my mind, after long hours of sitting on my desk, where I become restless and agitated because I am unaware of my body, where I force my mind on my body - as I have done all of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions what it is like to be breathing in awareness, when I have never breathed in true awareness and - in that I have not allowed myself to be patient with myself when I did not get it right away, in understanding what was meant to be aware in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based on these assumptions believed my thoughts "that it was not working" and "that I don't know how to do this" and in that allowed myself to give up instead of being here with myself through steadfast application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt "sorry" for my self-abuse when I realised for a moment the neglect towards my body and also how my thoughts "rip" on my body - through all kinds of manoeuvres in the physical where I have squeezed, shaped, limited, constrained, burned, bound, painted, stuffed and forced my body without any inkling of what I was doing to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that every act I am doing has a physical component where I can either be gentle and consider the physicality of my body, or I can be abusive and consider my body as inferior, as vehicle for my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise all of the above earlier because I realise that when I dance I have this full-body awareness within myself - but have never actually investigated why I was experiencing myself so differently when I was dancing. 

I commit myself to practise breathing as my body and uncover who I am as the physical in awareness.

I commit myself to realise that all I have to do is steadily lead myself back to breathing and in that I am adhering to my process, whereby I realise that any judgement in this comes from my mind and will always be defeatist.

I commit myself to stop using knowledge and information in the investigation of who I am as a physical body. 

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