Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Day 165, 2012 A realisation on how I disguised fear with the belief in "resistances" Pt.2


This post is a continuation from the previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imagined that the situation will resolve itself when I just keep going in what I do, where I will do my part and reality will do "its" part by doing the rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, deep down inside of me, anything is possible, how can I know all that which is possible, not realising that we live in a finite reality where the possibilities can be enumerated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I must have an "open mind" about the world and in that I feared making a decision about what I am willing to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my imagination and by doing so created self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I would get more clarity about the situation in time to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to asked myself questions, e.g. "why is this or that happening?" as part of my backchat instead of me investigating what actually is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless which was evident in my backchat because I accepted myself existing from a starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that asking the question "why?" was sufficient as investigative effort - not realising I could never answer the question "why?" because it was simply a form of backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a character to the situation, the character that "tries harder" with "courage" - as the "warrior" character - not realising every time I pull out the "warrior" character I am suppressing myself in understanding the situation because I sabotage myself into "acting"as remedy to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with "doing more" of the same instead of stopping and assessing what it is that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have physical reactions of temperature shifts in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pain in my solar plexus as result of the stagnated fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation of "in limbo" as a consequence where I kept myself busy with frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence of such a situation, where I respond in fear, is never in isolation but always in context of the rest of my life.

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