Sunday, October 7, 2012

Day 163, 2012 The end of incognito - facing the parental divide


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a protective "wall" around myself because I fear my parents' judgement about my life style/choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to penetrate the wall that I have created because I fear my parents' reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with fear when making simple statements about my life or when my parents ask me a simple question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to talk about my life with my parents but then allow for the resistances to "inter" fear and then only partially do what I set out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience comfort when I am not vulnerable within my conversations with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistances sharing points that I have labelled off-limits with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be cautious with my parents because I fear their emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be secure within myself because I fear myself reacting to my parents' behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only communicate "certain" information with one parent versus another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior and thus I fear my parents' reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my parents use the information "against me" at some point in time in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my parents will make fun of me in case I have to revise my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "...that's none of your business"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "..why can't they ask me intelligent questions"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "...I can never say or do anything that is good enough"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my parents conversation by making a commitment to only share what I define as safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react through a superior stance where I deny my parents access to "certain" information and thus control what is being exchanged in the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance towards my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame in how I feel after I have spoken to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a physical contraction in my solar plexus area.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull the phone away from my ear so that I don't have to listen to my parents speaking - when I feel I have no other choice in terms of wanting to change the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heat in my body when I talk with my parents because I am getting angry at the many questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to separate myself from my parents and see my parents "outside" of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that as long as I have these fears, backchats and reactions - the consequence is that I all my relationships will have an element of what I experience within myself when interacting with my parents.

I commit myself to stop my resistances and push myself to face who I am within the conversations with my parents.

I commit myself to stop censoring what I say to my parents.

I commit myself to realise the true nature of vulnerability by pushing through my fears when interacting with my parents.

I commit myself to realise that interacting with my parents must be done to stop all reactions and stop all lack of self-trust.

I commit myself to realise that blame is me not wanting to take responsibility regarding the programs I have installed when coping with my parents' behaviour.

I commit myself to stop the inferiority/superiority game with my parents.

I commit myself to stop seeing my parents as special people.

I commit myself to push myself to walk this point and get it done.   

2 comments:

  1. I am seeing the same points within myself, and facing how I have adopted parental patterns, realizing that how the way I've defined myself through my relationship and reactions toward/with my parents reflects in the patterns I've been unconsciously projecting onto all my relationships. It's painful, yet cool to see: because now we can direct the point/ourselves in actual understanding, transcending the separation. Within acknowledging the consequences of our individually accepted and allowed existence is only one actual choice: to stand up in self-responsibility and stand as equals of life.
    Thanks M!

    ReplyDelete

 
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