Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 159, 2012 Divided in writing, I stop Pt. 2

Previously I looked at my fears in writing for "work". Here I will look at the thoughts.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not grasping the points in a paper that I am using to make a case for my research, to build up the foundation to my argumentation because I am not familiar with the method of analysis and thus I miss something in what I believe the paper is presenting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read through papers as part of my literature review but half way through I believe that the paper is boring that I don't want to spend the time reading the rest and thus I just want to dismiss this paper and get on with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder how some papers get reviewed and accepted for publication when I deem them to be badly written and in that I pass judgement on another's paper because I believe I can write better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rushing through a paper because I just want to find the points that are relevant to my own paper writing and in doing so I overlook lots of useful material - and I cheat myself by not being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put out more effort towards slowing myself down when reading other people's work just as I would like for them to read my work but instead I speed up because I pressure myself having to spend hours reading other people's academic work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come across papers where I am in admiration of the work and the writing and where I would like to be on such a research project and be given the opportunity to write a paper of such "high" quality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I work faster, I get more research papers under my belt and thus I have more value - while I realise that this is how it works in academia, I also realise that I do not have to have thoughts but can merely be here as me in every moment because it matters not what I do but who I am in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am wasting time when I sit and read research papers for my own research writing and simultaneously consider all the other tasks I have before me and that I should be doing - which results in me not being focussed and having to re-read parts of the paper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this type of work, reading and writing research papers is useless as it does not change the world, nor does it create a better future for all, and is flawed from the starting point - and by believing these words I separate myself from the task at hand whereby I do not realise that all work at the moment is from the same starting point and I can only make a difference if I change my own starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept that this is the professional choice I have made and that this is what I am doing now, and in that I commit myself to do this type of work from the starting point that it is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I must commit myself and accept the responsibility of a researcher, and in that I am working by being here and putting in the work that needs to be done to do the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that a job is a job like any other job and that I can create enjoyment for myself in any job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't write a research paper without thinking about the points that are relevant in constructing an argument - and in that I justify using my mind when writing a research paper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the insecurity about whether my work is good enough for future research projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in what I do when I write a research paper but to doubt about the work which is reflected in the act of writing.

I commit myself to approach the writing of a research paper as any job that I can do, and stop focussing on the outcome of the job, and be here in every moment.

I commit myself to stand equal to the writing for research and stop judging my writing and/or comprehension of papers and approach each paper from the starting point of being here when reading it.

I commit myself to create a better way of working regarding literature reviews and organising points that are relevant for my own research and in that I stop all ideas/thoughts on the point of how much time I spend on it.

I commit myself to the commitment that I work as researcher and realise within that that this is not a label that I am putting on myself but that I stop wishing to do other things and in that I build up my publication list one by one.  

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