Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 158, 2012 Dreaming: the paper-mâché coffin and my uncle



In my dream I was together with these people. There was a woman and a man, and maybe another man. At some point they told me that my uncle had gone missing, it was suspected that something had happened to him that involved violence. This uncle is the brother of my mother. In reality, he died very young in a car accident and left my two cousins behind. One of my cousins was only 1 years old. I must have been between 4 and 5 years of age when he died. I don't remember him. 

The whole time I was in this house that resembled a house I once lived in when I lived together with some friends in a kind of mansion. The place was very big, with very high ceilings and parquet floors. The rooms had big double doors and where heated by burning wood in fireplaces. Somehow the people knew that my uncle had died but no one knew where he was, where was his body? Somehow clothes played a role and we, at least the woman and I, were looking through a bunch of clothes that were hanging/lying around in this house. They were mostly clothes from the 1940's. 

The news came to our group that my uncle had been discovered. The woman led the rest of us, myself and two men, into one of the largest rooms which had stucco on the ceiling. She explained that she had found something. She went into a little adjacent room which used to be a dressing room several 100 years ago. She came out with a bunch of clothes, also from the 1940's. There was a woman's ensemble with red and black colours and a typical 1940's cut and fabric, another skirt, and a men's pant - all was very vivid and detailed. Then there was a crochet mouse and also a stuffed real mouse, both were identical.  For some reason I measured and compared both mice. Finally she revealed the main find, it looked like a small boat where a person was lying in a carefully constructed paper-mâché coffin that was fitted tightly around the person but was quite thick so there was no real definition of the person just the overall shape. The person inside was supposed to be my uncle. I could only see the paper-mâché which was done with a lot of care and artistic sense as it was painted on the outside. Maybe it had a flair of Egyptian style with very light colours - I could definitely make out the shape of a person. 

The woman then pulled out some papers that were apparently also part of the boat accessories. Interestingly, the size of the paper paper-mâché was relatively small, so it indicated a teenager at max. but even that was difficult to know because there were so many layers of paper-mâché, it could have also been a small child. The papers she pulled out were contracts, they had my name on them. I was mentioned for "in case" situations. If something should fail to pan out then I would be addressed in whatever the contracts where about. I don't recall what the content was, and maybe it was not so clear to me in the dream either. On the other hand, the contracts as objects, were very clear, I saw that they were printed on paper but some blanks had been filled in by hand. The hand writing was done in an old style, as I knew it from my grandmother. My name was mentioned in relation to dates where I would have been a baby.


Analysis:

My uncle: as me, represents a part of the family that has gone "lost". 

The other people: represent a number of my characters, the woman is the character who wants to understand all the mysteries in my family. 

The clothes: are parts of the characters I play, but somehow they are more related to my uncle's youth and not to mine, and are also the connecting link between me and him and me taking over the family "story" through my programming. 

The mice: one real and one fabricated is in fact the real aspect of what is happening - that that which was fabricated became real and now both are dead. 

The other day I wrote about fear of commitment. I can see that this dream is in response to breaking free from the limitation of living in fear of commitment. I broke the contract that came with my family's history. In this dream I showed myself that I broke a preprogrammed design. The contract I inherited as a baby, the downloads of a preprogrammed life. Fear of commitment rears its head in many ways. In my case, the fear was made manifest by running away or leaving a back door to run away - specifically in situations that involved relations that can, as I believed it, threaten my freedom. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking free from the limitation that I have accepted as me because this would affect my family.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice in the understanding of myself, and that my decision to never accept a commitment again, entirely and whole-heartedly, was a way to protect myself from the world.


I forgive myself hat I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to accepted a commitment entirely without backdoor I would recreate a similar situation as the one I had with my parents.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with beliefs that only if I stay away from any commitment whatsoever will I be able to have a good life,


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have admired my aunt who was entirely self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone until she died.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have admired my aunt for her ability to forge her own path in the system and unlike my mother who I defined as trapped and caught up in marriage.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mother as powerless in the way she lived her life, in the marriage with my father, not realising that she had programmed herself in this way but believing that this was "done" to her.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I change my living situation by becoming committed and stable, it could have a negative effect on my relationship with my mother.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that committing myself is a form of weakness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that staying free of commitments will enable me to do what I want.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with fear of commitment based on a memory of my mother telling me that she does not need anyone.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother telling me that she does not need anyone.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define anger and choice in the memory of my mother telling me that she does not need anyone.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that anger and choice are here as me, equal and one in every breath.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself with the words of my mother to never make any commitments and trap myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself through a memory of my mother repeatedly telling me that I should never make any commitments - when she was angry about her situation with my father.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined "the good life" within the memory of my mother telling me repeatedly that I should never make any commitments - when she was angry about her situation with my father.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that "the good life" is here as me, equal and one in every breath.


I commit myself to stop all beliefs about commitments and realise that a longterm commitment is about self-responsiblity in what I allow to be me.


I commit myself to realise that to maintain my family programming is me allowing it to be this way - and me allowing myself to not change.


I commit myself to realise that commitments take time to develop as the communication has to be developed and that communication is the essence of having a working commitment with anyone.


I commit myself to realise that I must do my part to steer the commitment in the direction that make sense for all participants and is best for all.


I commit myself to realise that a commitment has context and that in this context there might be other people which I must consider.


I commit myself to realise that any back doors left open will jeopardise the commitment as well as my integrity.


I commit myself to realise that the quality of any commitment is equal to my self-responsiblity in that I recognise in self-honesty what needs to be done.


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