Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Day 152, 2012 The "I have nothing to say" character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry a burden rather than to speak up about what is happening because I fear that the answer is that I am the one who has to make adjustments and thus the whole point of speaking up was in vain because I make adjustments to myself anyway, to deal with my concerns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to work things out on my own because I do not want to bother anyone with my petty problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up when there is an issue because I expect that I am expected to work it out on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to endure any issues or burdens because that is what I did when I had to live with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to endure my concerns rather than to communicate because when I tried to communicate in the past with my parents the content of my communication was invalidated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in communicating precisely what is going on because by default I make the assumption that I must find a way to handle the situation on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself that when I have a concern that concerns me I suppress my words so that I say nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to once in a while say "something" that is my concern and that when I perceive that it "backfires" I reaffirm my belief that it is better to not say anything in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have heard my father tell me that it is better not to say anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as eleven year old where I made a pact to never again reveal my concerns to my parents because they did not take them seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory as a eleven year old person where I am make a pact with myself to never speak to my parents again about anything that is my concern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define survival, peace, safety, and responsibility within a memory of myself making a pact with myself to never share my concerns with my parents again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from survival, peace, safety, and responsibility through defining survival, peace, safety and responsibility within a memory of my myself making a pact with myself to never share my concerns with my parents again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself and rather talk about subjects that are 'outside' of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up because I fear that others take it personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to communicate but make assumptions based on my memory with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of me wanting to discuss a situation with my parent and my parents invalidating my concerns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory exist within me where I try to figure out multiple ways of addressing my parents in communication but each manner I try fails and ends up in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up because I have programmed myself to not speak up due to a memory of my parents using my words in a manner I did not intend to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up because I do not want my words to be used in a manner that I did not intended to and thus I have programmed myself to not speak up to avoid this situation all together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up because I fear rage and anger from my conversation partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mull over and evaluate my communication to make sure that what I say is not offensive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself so that I can compute quickly the best answer that is the least "offensive" to anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the character because I fear the consequences of speaking up regarding my concerns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused myself in response to abuse in my life and have not realised that I can now take responsibility and stop all self-abuse.

I commit myself to stop holding myself back from speaking up and speak up after I have created clarity within myself.

I commit myself to stop justifying that I must carry the burden because that is what is expected of me.

I commit myself to stop fearing any reactions from conversation partners and face myself in this fear by speaking up.

I commit myself to not judge any of my concerns as valid or not and treat it as a point which requires direction from me.

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