Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Day 151, 2012 The writing pattern



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in a state of emptiness when I spend my day staring at words and analysing concepts so that I experience myself as unable to write another word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to do intellectual work because I fear that it interferes with my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was doing other work for living which would not fuck up my head the way intellectual work does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that intellectual work fucks with my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy writing and reading but at the same time believe that I have to reconcile writing for work with writing SF for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread intellectual work because I perceive it as having to switch from writing intellectually to writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make blog-writing a project like writing a paper instead of being here, clearing my starting point, and just write what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must separate myself from writing for work and writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as dragging by the time I get to writing self-forgiveness because I have worked all day on research papers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not being here while writing because I believe that I have spent too much time with intellectual work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not better organise myself so that I write self-forgiveness when I am still fresh and not worn out by intellectual work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify writing when I have worked all day because I have procrastinated based on the belief that I don’t have the time to write SF earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing SF a special occasion instead of viewing it like any other activity I do.

I commit myself to stop every pattern I allow to exist within my SF writing.

I commit myself to stop giving SF writing this special attention so that it becomes a project instead of me writing naturally from the starting point of equality and self-intimacy.

I commit myself to investigate this intellectual tiredness because it is not real.

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