Friday, September 14, 2012

Day 138, 2012 How do I do it? Movement!

Valie Export
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my movements, at times, especially at the intersection where I am reacting to my mind which is also expressed in my physical movements where I experience myself as searching in my environment, pacing around, feeling uncomfortable in my chair, restless, repeating movements, because now I realise that I suppress my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be out of touch with my physical body by just letting movements happen, just like the movement of breathing which I have automated, not taking responsibility for moving myself as the physical body but being moved by myself as mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have limited myself in my movements and have looked for excuses to justify this limitation, because I realise that I allow and accept my mind to 'rule' my physical body in that I use backchat related to time issues and other obligations based on fear to 'inter-fear' with Self as physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind's fear of loss to 'drive' my physical body and act quickly and hasty in automated ways, in a state of panic, where I allow myself to believe that I have no way of stopping these movements in the moment in which I am about to execute them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conveniently overlook fuzzy, hazy, ambiguous ways of moving where I realise that the movement is loaded with mind stuff - thus I realise the indicator of the movement I perform, but I do not stop and investigate by stopping myself in my tracks because again it's through the belief in my thoughts that I don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose the 'I can't do/move in this way now" character upon my life just as my mother used to threaten me to 'sit still or else' and so I have used the 'I can't do/move in this way now' character to punish myself just as my mother used to punish me for moving around - whereby I realise that by punishing me now I do so in response to situations where my life isn't going the way I desire and where I use my ability to move/not move as way to re-enact my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that unless I forgive myself for having programmed myself in this manner of using movement restriction to punish myself - instead of still blaming my mother's obsession with me having to be a picture that suited her - I will not be able to break the pattern of suppressing my physical movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother exist inside of me and hold onto it where I am sitting as a 3 year old under the xmas tree, and my mother is enchanted about the picture I create with the tree and in my xmas outfit, and me experiencing myself as uncomfortable, wanting to crawl away from the scene but being made to stay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined anger, hate, loud speaking, crying, stress, anxiety and limitation within the memory of me sitting as a 3 year old under the xmas tree with my mother enchanted about the picture I create with the tree and in my xmas outfit ,and me experiencing myself as uncomfortable, wanting to crawl away from the scene but being made to stay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from anger, hate, loud speaking, crying, stress, anxiety and limitation through defining anger, hate, loud speaking, crying, stress, anxiety and limitation within the memory of me sitting as a 3 year old under the xmas tree with my mother enchanted about the picture I create with the tree and me in my xmas outfit, and me experiencing myself as uncomfortable, wanting to crawl away from the scene but being made to stay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that anger, hate, loud speaking, crying, stress, anxiety and limitation are here as me equal and one in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created movement habits that signal release of energy and having been aware of these habits but having not stopped them through self-discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through eating before wanting to be physically active so that I can further repress my movements because I cannot be physically active with a full stomach and thus I postpone it indefinitely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my facial muscles in distinct ways especially when I write or other tasks I attend to, and I tighten up myself because it is accepted and we all make 'funny' faces when we are concentrated, and so I have accepted myself to not be comfortable as I have learned that physical comfort is not important to living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that physical discomfort permeates all my movements from the micro movements in my face to sitting uncomfortably when accommodating and shaping myself to the design of furniture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live uncomfortably in my physical body and have not made the choice to stop it in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can direct my physical body in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to be numb in my physical body, to be oblivious to my moving body, and to have accepted to exist since my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory inside me and hold onto it where I am standing in front of school at the first day of school, where I am holding a "schultüte" and am feeling uncomfortable in my clothing, especially the shoes that I am wearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define authority, learning, and pleasing others in the memory of me standing in front of school at the first day of school, where I am holding a "schultüte" and am feeling uncomfortable in my clothing, especially the shoes that I am wearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from authority, learning and pleasing others through defining authority, learning and pleasing others in the memory of me standing in front of school at the first day of school, where I am holding a "schultüte" and am feeling uncomfortable in my clothing, especially the shoes that I am wearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that authority, learning and pleasing others are here as me equal and one in every moment of breath.


I realise that next to breathing my physical body is all I got to be here as life.

I realise that next to movement I must deal with other aspects of my physical 'experience' such as eating.

I realise that there is a connection with me being frequently sick since I was a child and the un/dis-ease I experience in my physical body.

I realise that I have accepted programs of restriction, limitation, constraint on my physical body and movements of my physical body a 'normal' way of existing in this world - and in that I have accepted to pay attention to what my body looks like as a picture not realising that I have mistaking the judgement about the picture I create in the world as important and relevant instead of realising that physical intimacy is the key to creating equality with myself.

I realise that I have become so desensitised to my physical body that it is through habitual 'ticks' I see how separate I have become.

I commit myself to create awareness within myself towards my physical body and notice and address any uncomfortable points.

I commit myself to step-by-step and breath-by-breath stop all the habitual ticks that I have accepted as me from moving my hands in a certain ways, to making funny faces while I work on something.

I commit myself to stop placing my body into uncomfortable conditions to correspond to some mind picture/idea/desire.

I commit myself to clear my starting point in how exist/move myself in this world, to be from the inside out, which is therefore directly indicated by how comfortably my body moves in space.

I commit myself stop any judgement around the physical body - whether mine or any other body - and in that I commit myself to develop a gentleness to all physical bodies as I realise that all bodies are one body as the physical substance exist in a continuum all around us - and stop all delusions/aversions to that which is physical, no matter the picture or at what level of dis/un ease the physical is.

I commit myself to support myself as my physical body through stopping my mind, and support myself in stopping habitual movements -so that if and when I do tense up or display a tick, I relax immediately and breath deeply, and I stop all beliefs in the thoughts that arise in this moment. 

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