|Artwork Jessica Arias|
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognise that my life in this world is finite, and that as such I am dealing with a structure of the beginning, middle and end - a structure I can use as a feedback system of and as my Self to understand and apply my Self as me walking my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried randomly to remind myself to breathe but it turns out to be a matter of 'here' and 'there' where I am not in the position to create consistency throughout the day yet I have - up until now- not investigated how I can implement breathing consistently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of structure because I am afraid of creating more characters or more delusions and thus I have been afraid to support myself in creating a framework which I can use as temporary self-support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my fears and stay away from trying out ways of self-support in breathing because I have not seen or heard anyone else do it and so I had to wait to give myself permission after Anu had confirmed a structural approach to breathing, instead of being here for myself as my Self and doing what seems to make sense to me, without fear of failure or of doing something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about my incentives of wanting to utilise structure to help me to stay in breath, where I already proclaimed 'that's not going to work either' and in that I do not see that I let the 'I give up' character interfere with trusting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further fear that I cannot act within that which I intent to do as self-support because I fear that when I interact with others I am unable to stay as Self within my Self and get distracted from implementing that which I decide to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a separation through the anticipation of self-support not working when I interact with others, and in that I have given into the defeat whereby I have catered to my mind instead of standing up to my mind in every moment and not letting myself be affected by past moments where I did not succeed with supporting myself because I was interacting with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that there will always be a reason why this or that might not work, or is too this or that, and it is up to me to no longer believe these ideas because they all lead to stagnation within my process, with the single act of believing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create frustration when I catch myself not breathing which is often the case, and instead of letting the moment go and focussing on the moment that is here, I go into the past and into regret.
I realise that I have to start with the basics and keep doing them until I am proficient in it.
I realise that there is nothing more than the basics to process which entails breathing, eating, drinking, eliminating, sleeping, talking, writing, walking... and other activities that are derived of these basic ones.
I realise that I can now, in this series of self-support, walk the ways I am going to frame my support within my daily living.
I commit myself to wake up in the morning and lie in bed for a few minutes breathing as my physical body where I create in active participation the starting point of my day through breath.
I commit myself to breathe in this moment as my physical body sensing me lying there in bed, the sheets over me, my torso moving up and down, here, in rhythm with the breath of existence, realising the interconnectedness of the physical substance I am in every moment of my life on earth.
I commit myself to lie down in my bed at night and take a few minutes before falling asleep and breathe as my physical body to mark the end point of the day and the starting point of sleep, relaxed, warm, soft, gentle - whereby I let the day not interfere with me here in this moment, where I am all to my Self in self intimacy, just breathing next to my partner, wordless - again, realising the interconnectedness with all that is here.
I commit myself that if and when I do not keep to this structure of teaching myself to breathe deliberately at the starting and end points of transition periods of my day/night I will accept it without frustration or getting upset in any way and, at the same time, I continue to do it until it has become me - regardless of how long it takes for me to 'get it'.
I commit myself that I, with all these ways to support myself, act in a gentle manner with myself as equal to my body who has been unconditionally supporting me throughout my life and thus I give back what I'd like to receive from life as life.