Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 135, 2012 I am the most important person to my self: shared equality, living with you

Artwork Marlen Vargas Del Razo
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know how I can be an equal with you in my daily living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into automatic pilot when I see you 'not knowing', in how to do something practically, and where I step in and do it for you, or volunteer showing it to you, without giving you a chance to ask me, or without giving you a chance to find out for yourself by making a few mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I know something, because I have done it a million times I should teach you what I know, not realising that I am acting on my assumptions and not in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that acting in equality means communication even when it all seems so obvious - to avoid creating from the starting point of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in this communication I must provide sufficient context which is yet another form of making assumptions if I don't give more background information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act from experience and thus I am stuck in my past because I will do what I have done before because I know it works, therefore I am no longer open to improvement because I am no longer open to letting a new approach exist - that may be your way of doing things which will be a different perspective as you are not imprinted by experience on this topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be clear within myself when I request something from you, I have to first investigate my motivation: is it out of convenience? is it because I have resistances? is it something I would do for you as well? - in other words, I have to be clear about my starting point as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up about certain issues that I have discovered as needing direction because I fear creating an emotional response in you, and thus I have lost sight of these issues because I denied them within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny looking at all that I live with you from the starting point of equality and what is here but instead I look at it from the starting point of "what I can live with", whereby I have accepted the circumstances and the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be clear on the connections between 'independent' as in self-sufficient and 'dependent' as in support; because I have hold on to the pattern of all or nothing, the two poles I recognise from my past (parents' relationship pattern that I have accepted as me).

I realise that I must learn to live as an equal with you and that it will take a process to walk this point.

I realise that to be living in shared equality means that I investigate in an ongoing manner what I accept in my daily living.

I realise that to be living in shared equality means that communication is the only point of reference and all else, all thoughts and emotion/feelings are thoughts that I must stop.

I realise that to be living in shared equality I must ask questions to get answers, to understand the situation and I must do so with patience - the same patience I ask you to have when dealing with me.

I commit myself to put my realisations into lived applications and communicate with you to stop assumptions, to stop build up of denial, to stop judgement and rash action (when 'wanting to show how it's done')

I commit myself to see you as myself in what I would want from you that I am willing to give myself, and vice versa ask you to do the same so that we can establish a give-and-take in equality.

I commit myself to look into my resistance and assess the situation on the basis of the entire context and not just reacting to my resistances by countering my resistance - but to be here and layout the situation in self-honest writing.

1 comments:

  1. Awesome Manuela, thank you for sharing this self support point!

    ReplyDelete

 
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