Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 134, 2012 I am the most important person to my self: I stop the pattern

Artwork Andrew Gable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created myself regarding the forming of intimate relationships on the basis of my parents' programs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reconfigured these two base programs in such a way so that I only now realise, through repetition of the pattern, the underlying resemblance to that of my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that I have created my life in the polar opposite to my parents because I feared repeating to live like my parents and have deluded myself in believing that I was different from my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that I do not have to re-enact what my parents live and that I now can stop this pattern as I have now recognised it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never questioned the dynamic between my parents where my mother acted as a master and slave to all of us, including my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my parents' relationship negatively but have never investigated further what is actually going on between them because I react emotionally towards my parents' relationship which has prevented me from seeing how I have created myself in their likeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as superior when I have judged my parents' relationship believing that I would do it all differently and now that I am in the position to do it all differently I see how I first must recognise my programming before I can apply myself to step out of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory exist inside of me and hold onto it where my father is telling me that he liked to travel and that he was not the one who initiated the marriage which prevented him from continuing to live the same kind of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define opportunity, adventure and excitement within the memory of my father telling me that he liked to travel and that he was not the one who initiated the marriage, which prevented him from continuing to live the same kind of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from opportunity, adventure and excitement through defining opportunity, adventure and excitement within the memory of my father telling me that he liked to travel and that he was not the one who initiated the marriage, which prevented him from continuing to live the same kind of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the starting point in multiple relationships: where I seemingly did not want to get involved with the other person - and by creating the starting point of 'convincing' myself to enter into the relationship, I gave myself permission to not take responsibility for the patterns that I lived 'out' while I was in the relationship where I remained passive in creating a life I wanted to live with the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never questioned why the dynamic of my past relationships repeated itself, and have just accepted that relationships do not work out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the same passive pattern - that my father displayed- was what I was accepting to live for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the other 'pole' in my relationship pattern which is based on my mother where I experience myself as 'running' things so that they work efficiently - but essentially I take responsibility for the other and diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have downloaded my parents' programs in how I relate to the other and in that I forgive myself in having created the continuation of programs of abuse and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created frustration and disappointment in not being able to understand the cause for failed relationships, and thus I have isolated myself from relationships instead of investigating myself to that I can let go of this pattern.

I realise that now I have the opportunity to be able to take responsibility for my self in every way where I can integrate myself and my self-responsibility in the living context with another.

I realise that my practicality is only one contribution to a functioning intimate relationship and that this I realise that true equality does not end here- but that it entails me working on myself as self, as one independently functioning entity while relating to the other on the basis of equality.

I commit myself to approach my life in the context of shared equality where I approach my own life as I would if I were on my own, in that all facets of me are dealt with by me as a self.

I commit myself to stop all separation by acknowledging that living as equal means I focus on my life and development yet also acknowledging the stability of the relationship as support for self-development.

I commit myself to investigate on ongoing basis how I am approaching myself as equal and look at all facets of my life and how they play out both in the broader context of society and in the personal context of my daily living application within the relationship.  

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