Sunday, September 23, 2012

Day 148, 2012 Two against one - the Swans in Antwerpen’s Stadpark

I witnessed the most vicious bird attack I have ever seen in my life. I was riding on my bike and approached the fenced off area in the ‘Stadpark’ when I saw a white swan pressed against the fence and a black swan on top of it biting the white swan with much aggression, while another black swan stood by and supported the cornering of the white swan, while seemingly cheering the black swan on.
It was violent and gruesome to watch, as the white swan was desperately trying to get away. More and more people came to the scene, and I started to actively participate in separating the swans. More people came to help because the black swan was very strong and would not let go of the white swan - but neither did I let go pulling on the black swan’s neck, as that is all I could reach, in my attempt to make him let go. Others where using handbags and coats to hit the black swan. At some point he/she stopped because by now there were enough people gathered around to defend the white swan. As soon as he/she stopped, the two black swans engaged in some kind of dance moving their heads together and making noises that sounded like laughing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save the white swan because I saw the bird as helpless and defenseless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared for the white swan’s life as it was bleeding from one eye as a result of the beatings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the saviour, where I wanted to stop the injustice of two swans fighting against one swan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself on automatic pilot, where I experience the need to stop the fighting between the animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still dwell on the scene where I see the black swan's obsessive behaviour - not realising that humans are by far more obsessed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory where I see the white swan rammed into the fence and mangled with blood streaming from its eye and in this memory all other aspects of the picture are out of focus and unimportant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the victim and the injuries, in this memory of the white swan, as I react to my own victimisation and “mental” injuries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the white swan being beaten up, and ‘act’ on my reaction because I want to stop the fighting, as I want to stop seeing the picture of fighting - just like I wanted to stop my parents from fighting when I was a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this is the reality I live in and I participate in, where survival is always linked to violence and brutality, and that only in these types of encounters I am made aware of the reality of this world that otherwise I choose to forget or play down as I go after my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that wanting to save others detracts attention from looking at my self, and where I need to “save” myself in walking the points of my process towards life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged the black swans as a vicious creature because I see this scene of fighting and violence instigated by the black swan, where I automatically allow myself to judge even though I do not really understand what is going on between the birds, and I do not have means to communicate with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life condemn cruelty never seeing my own cruelty when I participate in this economic system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that animals are better than humans, and that these types of scenarios shock me more then if I were to see humans beating each other up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear violence and injustice, and thus I have separated myself from violence and injustice and turn away from engaging with it - including when I watch a film.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from reacting when I approached the scene with the swan being beaten up - as I could have stopped myself through grounding myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified feelings of sorrow and pity in my life - and I still ‘live through’ this justification when I am confronted with these types of scenes.

I commit myself to stop myself from reacting when I am part of the scene where violence and brutality comes to the forefront.

I commit myself to stop myself from reacting on the one hand, yet I do what needs to be done to stop those who are fighting and I do so in common sense.

I commit myself to stop myself from saving others and focus on saving my Self by walking my process with discipline and consistency.

I commit myself to stop seeing animals as special and as better than humans, and learn to see all that is here as equal.

I commit myself to stop all victimisation within myself and take self-responsibility for myself in every facet of my life.

I commit myself to stop all judgement towards violence and cruelty and stand equal to it, as I realise that I am this violence and cruelty no matter the person or animal that executes the action.  

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