Friday, August 31, 2012

Day 127, 2012 Self-identification through the 'belonging' character


Artwork Agnieszka Dine
In my previous post I looked at how I want to ‘go and arrive’ at a place where I feel home, and where I now perceive myself as having arrived in such a place that I want to call ‘home’. In the last couple of days I have been faced with anxiety about a potential move to another continent to which I reacted because I experience myself as wanting to settle where I am now. For the first time I experience myself in wanting to be stable, not running, not searching, but to be ‘local’. What I am realsing is that this is the polarisation of how I existed previously where I all wanted to do is go into the world and explore, follow the excitement, and don’t belong anywhere. In other words, I wanted to belong to ‘not belonging’, whereas now my experience has polarised into wanting to belong to ‘belonging here’. Interesting. I see the idea of belonging somewhere/nowhere directly correlated with how I grew up. In one of my previous posts I talked about the black sheep character and to cope with the perceived stigma and the surrounding situations, I isolated myself from those around me, and this is where my search for belonging began...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to belong or not belong in a place and a way, to compensate for my experience in my childhood where I experienced myself as alienated and outcast within my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to be on the search, on the run, from my childhood experience where I experienced myself as 'not belonging' to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory exist inside of me where my mother tells me angrily that the people in this part of the world are not good enough and that this is not what she is used to where she grew up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother telling me angrily that the people in this part of the world are not good enough and that this is not what she is used to where she grew up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define goal-oriented, sophisticated, unqualified, simple, undesirable, restless, and questing within the memory of my mother telling me angrily that the people in this part of tge world are not good enough and that this is not what she is used to where she grew up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from goal-oriented, sophisticated, unqualified, simple, undesirable, restless, and questing through defining goal-oriented, sophisticated, unqualified, simple, undesirable, restless, and questing within the memory of my mother telling me angrily that the people in this part of the world are not good enough and that is not what she is used to where she grew up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that goal-oriented, sophisticated, unqualified, simple, undesirable, restless, and questing are equal and one here as me in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with my mother’s statement of the local people are not being good enough and thus I experienced myself as not good enough because I was born in the place that she targeted with her comment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an attitude and opinion that labelled the place were I grew up as negative/bad/wrong, because I took my mother’s attitude and opinion personal about where I grew up and made it my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea/thought that if I were to belong or not belong somewhere my anxiety would be lessened and I would feel more comfortable within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get away from my emotions and thoughts and have believed I can achieve this by seeking excitement and now stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in polarisation and seek to move myself in the physical through and by relocating myself physically to a place or somewhere that I can label positive, and thus persistently being preoccupied within the organisation of physically moving myself instead of facing myself as myself in any environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek identification with a place or people and through identifying myself with the group or place I could experience myself in peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for something outside of myself that will sooth the empty feeling I experience inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and use this fear to motivate myself to search for a ‘way’ or ‘place’ of belonging in the external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am the place of belonging and that as long as I do not accept myself as Self and impose limitations and conditions upon myself in how I define myself, I drive myself to compensate for not accepting myself to search and find something acceptable outside of my Self that I can identify with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to not accept my Self as Self, equal to one and all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so that I have reasons not to accept myself and believe the reasons to be true and thus turn to the external to compensate for what I have judged myself as by finding a place or group where I can belong to.

I commit myself to bring all parts of me home within myself and stop all search in the external to identify myself with, and consider the external world one and equal to my internal world where I end all separation between the two.

I commit myself to stop judging my external environment, and focus on developing myself within because I realise that what matters is who I am wherever I am.

I commit myself to forgive all thoughts that arise in regards to judging and evaluating where I live and what language I speak.

I commit myself to learn to see, realise and understand that all places on earth are created equal and that any judgement that arises is a program that I have allowed myself to exist as. 

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