Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 124, 2012 Fear and the addiction character



Artwork Andrew Gable
 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habituate myself on substances/experiences to suppress who I am by using the substance/the experience as escape mechanism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that addictive behaviour does not necessarily entail legal/illegal drugs but can also be food/drinks and other everyday types of experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed as a young person by my peers to engage in smoking and drinking even if I did not like it but have abused myself and forced myself to do so because I wanted to be part of the group and so I made adjustments to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise then - when engaging in drinking and smoking - that I was not trusting myself and that I feared being rejected, just like I feared my parents' rejection where I learned to 'cramp my style', to mould myself into a suitable me that was acceptable to others, and in the course of doing so, I had given up on finding out who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others and have therefore separated myself from others by putting some substance between me and others, which is how I was able to numb myself from the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created situations for myself that I experience as immensely difficult and have used my addictive behaviour to release what I experience as difficult and thus have perpetuated my delusions to further separating myself from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that an addiction needs to be stopped only when one is dysfunctional in their daily life, not realising that addictive behaviour is detrimental at any stage - as can be seen in the world at large where so many are taking psychopharma and other types of substances that are being pushed for profit, and are considered functional people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and rather hide in addictive behaviour - whereas I know that hiding causes me to time loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be influenced by my environment where I give in and give up when something is offered to me that I have decided to no longer do/take/eat/drink because I realise the desire to belong - to be part of another's life - is still within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in the picture I have of myself is the desire to 'belong' because I fear being alone whereby I do not realise that I can never be alone as I am part of this existence and my perception of alone-ness is the separation I allow myself to exist as in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my connection to others is not dependent on what I do - in terms of sharing myself with others - but who I am within this sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being equal to others does not entail to do as they do but it means that I have stopped all separation which is not a matter of consumption but how I do not allow myself to separate myself within my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fears and have used fear to motivate myself to stay away from all things addictive - where 'out of sight is out of mind' is only a temporary solution and does not address the memories I hold onto that have led me to become addictive in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear emptiness within myself and tried to fill this emptiness through addictive behaviour patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "I have an addictive personality" which I realise I used as a justification to impose measures of separation upon my life instead of standing equal and one to all substances/foods/drink and experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my behaviour to myself and thus remain trapped in my programming as the justification supported my belief that everything was ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within my justifications looked towards the external world, to find the reasons that allowed me to continue in my habitual ways - and by doing so blamed my environment for my behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear I fear is me and that by looking at the fear and applying myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application I can let go of the fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am the one who accepts the fear of fear and that I can stop making fear bigger than myself.

I commit myself to investigate my addictive behaviour pattern and my tendency to overindulge and identify the underlying memories and experience which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that what is underlying addictive behaviour patterns is fear and that I can release all fear through self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop all excuses as to why I need to give into addictive behaviour patterns and to stop my mind by breathing and directing myself in each moment of breath.

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