Thursday, August 23, 2012

Day 122, 2012 Hiding the fear of survival in appreciative behaviour



 I have noticed that whenever someone, usually a stranger, goes out of their way to help me out, I become the appreciative character. As that character I will state in several ways how thankful I am that they are helping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the appreciative character in response to someone who caters to my specific needs, usually a stranger, in that they go out of their way to accommodate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone goes out of their way for me because they want to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must show my appreciation to another, when I am being helped, because I believe that this what they want me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must give up ‘something’ of myself in return for the person’s active help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother being overly appreciative of someone’s help by acting in an exaggerated manner and me being annoyed by it, exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my mother being overly appreciative of someone’s help by acting in an exaggerated manner and me being annoyed by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define manipulation, flattering, and show off within the memory of my mother being overly appreciative of someone’s help by acting in an exaggerated manner and me being annoyed by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from manipulation, flattering and show-off through defining manipulation, flattering and show-off within the memory of my mother being overly appreciative of someone’s help by acting in an exaggerated manner and me being annoyed by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that manipulation, flattering, and show-off are here as me, equal and one, in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this exaggerated appreciative behaviour is the same that can be observed with fans of a celebrity, where humans will show through their behaviour towards the celebrity their gratefulness because they believe that the celebrity makes them feel good, and by doing so allow and accept to be inferior and in service of that one specific person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone doing anything for anyone else, similiar to what I experience when someone is going out of their way for me is done out of altruism, not realising that our nature originates in self-interest, and thus the person helps me because they have reasons to do so, even if the reasons are not apparent to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the appreciative character works in both ways: that I also expect others to be demonstratively appreciative of my actions when I go out of my way for them, and I am disappointed when the person's behaviour does not match my expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I depend on other’s good will for my life to run smoothly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to abuse myself by ‘giving’ part of me up in order to receive support/help from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that for the appreciative character to exist I have to be in separation of everything because only then can I believe that someone else is a separate entity who is helping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the point of polarisation within the appreciative character, because for me to get something I need to give something, whereby this exchange does not take place in equality but in superiority and inferiority, and through manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the appreciative character exists because I experience myself in anxiety, in fear of survival, and thus I believe that if I show appreciation to the world around me than the world will allow me to survive, whereby I fail to see that I am responsible for my survival by changing myself and the system I have come to accepted as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world and by fearing the world I fear the death of my mind and thus I have created characters that appease my fear and keep me enslaved in fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that all characters are formed and created from the point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my parents forcing me to say thank you and to show my appreciation to my relatives when I was a little girl where I even had to drop a curtsy, to physically show my inferiority to ‘elders’ through gratefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger when recalling the memory of both of my parents asking me to show more appreciation for gifts from relatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my parents forcing me to show my appreciation to relatives, when I was a little girl where I even had to drop a curtsy, to physically demonstrate my inferiority to ‘elders’ through gratefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define survival, pleasant, docile, and orderly within the memory of my parents forcing me to show my appreciation to relatives, when I was a little girl where I even had to drop a curtsy, to physically demonstrate my inferiority to ‘elders’ through gratefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from survival, pleasant, docile, and orderly through defining survival, pleasant and orderly within the memory of my parents forcing me to show my appreciation to relatives, when I was a little girl where I even had to drop a curtsy, to physically demonstrate my inferiority to ‘elders’ through gratefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that survival, pleasant, docile, and orderly are here as me, equal and one, in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that appreciating someone's help requires me to show respect, not realising that showing respect is how the morality character is used to ensure that appreciation is linked to inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that morality is the police of polarisation to make sure that all act within the confines of right and wrong.

I commit myself to stop the programming I have accepted to be me where I believe I must be appreciative of other’s good will.

I commit myself to take responsibility for how I conduct myself in the world and stop believing in inferiority as path of survival.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my programming as the appreciative character and stop blaming my parents.

I commit myself to stop all fear of survival and realise that fear is of the mind and not of my physical self which is who I truly am. 

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