Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Day 118, 2012 What part of DELIBERATENESS did I not understand?


All that I am in this moment arises from deliberateness, in the sense that it is the “I” that is determining the outcome of the situation that I have created. So if I am the one who is deliberate in every moment then I can, in every moment, decide what I accept and what not - that would be deliberateness.

Now, there are two points I see within that:
First, acceptance/not acceptance does not mean I actually act from whatever I decide in how I implement the decision in the world. I can decide “I don’t accept this” and still behave contrarily, or allow aspects of my decision to slip. At this point, I start giving in and giving up on my decision, and that causes a subtle struggle between me having made a decision and suspending the decision - by giving up - because I am not actually ‘walking’ the decision in reality. In fact I am creating more separation hence the experience of a subtle struggle.

So when does deliberateness in the decision I have made in every breath becomes real? It becomes real in the very moment when I physically move the decision into the time line. In other words, the chain of breaths and the movements of my body that go along with the decision are the ‘lived’ decision of deliberateness. The decision stands in unison with breath as well as the movements that emerge unified with the decision - and thus, unison here creates equality.

The second point is that this has not been my understanding prior to the investigation of the characters that I play as part of my personality suits I wear daily. Previously, I understood deliberateness from a stance of initiation, that to decide about something and then initiate it in the world. Meaning I can be deliberate or not - and when I am not deliberate I am just being myself. However, this is exactly the illusion I have been living and the decisive point of not taking self-responsibility, not wanting to face myself in that there is never a time when I am not deliberate - because I am physical being, I cannot be here and not be here, I am always here in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never investigated what deliberateness means in physical terms and how it relates to ‘just’ being here in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that deliberateness is always here as I am always here in this physical body and that denying myself to see this from the day I have entered this world is to have chosen the path of not taking responsibility for me as the physical being that I am, but instead have made the decision to neglect my physical existence in its totality, and thus neglect this physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that deliberateness is the fork in the road at every breath, the decision of who I am in what I allow myself to be - as physical being in the world but this is only evident in how I walk my time line and is not only dependent on the decision I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the decision is only absolute when the physical body is part of the decision and deliberateness is the sum of all components that create each situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been deliberate in making a decision of stopping my mind but in my application have reversed this decision because as my deliberateness showed me: I have caved in and experienced myself in negative emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself with deliberateness because I have shown myself already that the decision and implementation of the decision on accepting and not accepting emotions, feelings and thoughts, goes hand in hand we me moving myself in unison when I tried to make a decision which created separation of myself as trying is never doing, thus I was unable to walk it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this sense of unison I have, when I make a decision and I walk it - when I am not wavering in my deliberateness is a moment of equality - because all parts of me are equally participating in existing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that deliberateness is being in touch with the physical body that I am, with sensing my feet on the ground, my arms are hanging loosely next to my torso, my fingers are relaxed and so is my face - where I can sense my chest going up and down and I am listening to the rhythm of my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I am here deliberately in oneness as me with all that is here, there is an ‘ease’ of being to being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that deliberateness must be - at this stage in my process - a consistent application that connects the decision with the implementation of the decision through moment-by-moment breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never realised that hope, dreams, wishes and there alike are all deliberately creating separation between what I desire to create in this world from common sense but what I actually create because I neglect my physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now realise that through deliberateness I can penetrate the separation I experience within my daily living, for example that I am not able to be entirely deliberate within myself - as I have now explained deliberateness - when I speak to another and that through deliberation - through the act in unison with decision, my body, and breath - I will eventually create unison through and through and equalise all separation that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that I often realise in hindsight what I have created, when I have acted in separation, and that I do this deliberately for me see that I can make changes to act in equality by being deliberate in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realise that I have placed myself into situations deliberately, even when I was not aware in my conscious mind, so that I can stand up from my self-created limitations.

I commit myself to investigate how I deliberately separate myself from myself when I make a decision in my world.

I commit myself to utilise deliberateness in awareness - as the awareness of being here in this world, in what I accept and not accept myself to be.

I commit myself to push myself to be aware as physical being in how I create my world through deliberateness.

I commit myself to apply deliberateness in my daily application and create clarity about what I am facing within myself. 

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