Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Day 117, 2012 Nice to meet you super woman, but you are not real!

I have so much going on, and I do it to myself. It is as if I am trying to be superwoman. I am currently in the middle of moving from one city to another, and we are doing everything ourselves. I used to be able to 'throw' money at my moving endeavours, where at least I had some service help me, such as hiring a company to actually drive the stuff to the new location and unload. Now it's all up to me/us. Somehow I don't seem to register that I can't do a million things all at once, and it does not even mean doing them slowly, step-by-step, but just the sheer amount of 'loose' ends I am trying to tackle.... Looking at it, I have about seven projects running in parallel and all are apparently urgent, need my attention, and need me to move them forward at the same time

Yesterday I noticed that I am beginning to make mistakes. Small ones, like writing non-sense to a mailing list because my sentence is only half on the page while the rest is in my head. Other mistakes are also occurring where I have to backtrack. I know that I need to 'just' let some of the projects go, momentarily, so that I can re-prioritise. So why do I know all this and don't do it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on more projects that are possible to do by anyone, yet I desire to prove to myself that I can do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even consider that this is not the way to go about living but have seen it as 'normal' because the people in my world are also taking on a lot of projects and are constantly struggling to move these projects forward - and so I have accepted to believe that this is the normal way of existing of a 'professional'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that commitment means I cannot miss a beat, because if I do it has consequences and thus I must do everything in my power to keep my fingers in all the things I am involved in so that I don't lose touch - even when the quality of my contribution goes down because I am just not physically capable to juggle it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay in breath, but only believe to be working in breath, because if I were here in breath I would realise that to work like this is a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss because I fear that I am no longer a valued contributor if I must take time out and devoted to a other things because they have a momentary priority and because they require more time in the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up when I make mistakes because I feel embarrassed as I realise that the whole world can see that I am in it 'over my head' - that I am stressed, not in breath, and not walking my process in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner conflict and energetic experiences by taking on too much and trying to multi-task across the board of my various involvements in projects where I end up in self-judgement and negative self-talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this cycle produces energetic charges and that these charges are emotions of shame, inferiority, and self-devaluating thoughts which I believe and which drag me heavily into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in this cycle even though I have shown to myself that this is indeed a program because I can feel the emotions 'rise' up in my body and if I fail to stop them, I enter into a cycle of suffering - as these are the consequences of what I have allowed and accepted myself to be in the game I play when I try to be superwoman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in my body when I realise that I have too many things to attend to, where I can feel a weight on my shoulders dropping down from the sky, and the pressure against my stomach - where I experience my body in a state of bondage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek external validation through staying on the ball within all of my projects, and fearing consequences if I do not manage to get everything done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this is a programmed habit for energetic charges that I have seen in many women in my life. The steps of the pattern I have identified are these:

1. Getting involved with too many responsibilities or commitments
2. Trying to do the best in all of them all of the time.
3. Not being able to do so, and/or making mistakes, and creating backchat and self-judgement as result.
4. Getting frustrated, or shameful, or anxiety-ridden.
5. Releasing the emotions in one way or another, to temporarily believe all is OK again.
6. The cycle starts again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realise the pattern in myself and others yet, I do not give myself permission to break it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realise that the entry point in this pattern is to seek self-validation from the external world instead of validating myself here as life, breathing, stable and one with all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been raised to perform and thus have accepted and allowed myself to make performance in the world the main objective of my daily living instead of being here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't do it no one else will and thus I need to be sure to apply myself, to be sure that things get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people's failure having consequences on my life because I am linked in my endeavours to other people, and I do no trust them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed importance on achievements or completion of work/tasks/projects because I believe the consequences of not getting to completion are greater than me skipping a breath or two.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the external world more seriously than myself here in breath, because I believe that the external world is shared and thus if I do not perform accordingly it affects other people, whereas me breathing or not breathing or being in the mind is not a shared endeavour - because I cannot fathom how it is shared - and because I can't see how it affects others when I do not stay here in breath and stop my mind, I believe that it is not as valid for me to pay attention to my breath as my first commitment and priority in my daily living and application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are only consequences to my conduct what I can perceive with my eyes and my senses what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in regret because I have not give myself the opportunity to be here, and apply myself as my Self, and thus as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this pattern is one of the many patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to execute to draw energy - and that this is the only reason that this pattern exists - therefore I can just let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being 'busy' because being busy enables me to not have the time to face myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where busy-ness is associated with recognition and achievement in the world, and thus I overload myself to achieve what I picture in my mind's eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept emotions of regret, shame, anxiety, and frustration as real, instead of realising that they are a by-product of patterns that I have accepted to exist as me in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my parents telling me that I have to work hard if I want to get somewhere, and thus I have created myself as hardworking because I am afraid of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of my parents telling me that I have to work hard if I want to get somewhere, and by holding on to this memory I have defined self-worth, recognition and status within the memory of my parents telling me that I have to work harder if I want to get somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth, recognition and status by defining self-worth, recognition and status within the memory of my parents telling me that I have to work harder if I want to get somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that recognition and status is always, at all times, associated with the picture I have of myself, the picture that determines my life as long as I make it so, and when I release the picture by letting go of the wants/needs/desires, I can release all the patterns that come with the "How" to achieve the "What".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self-worth is equal to my self-trust, and through trusting myself I can walk my process and breathe, and stop the patterns I have created, and in which I allow myself to exist.

I commit myself to stop the picture I have of myself by giving myself permission to stop pursuing the picture I believe to exist as.

I commit myself to realise in physical reality that I can stop this pattern of wanting to be super woman, the moment it comes up because I realise that the moment I have a thought that leads me into the future, I can no longer prioritise what needs to be accomplished in the short term.

I commit myself to realise in physical reality that planning does not involve having to do all at once but to prioritise what is here and what is most important in terms of the relationships it creates with other people and thus the timing that has to fall into place.

I commit myself to step out of the cycle of this pattern and focus on me in breath, and realise that my control over my life is only in this point of breathing here.

I commit myself to stop my emotions of shame, regret, anxiety and frustration as I see clearly how they are connected with wanting to achieve the elements that make up the picture I have of myself in my mind's eye.

When I come to cross roads again where the 'project world' overlaps with tasks, deadlines, meetings, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe first, and slow myself down before I make any decision to proceed.

I commit myself to profoundly understand and live that all I can ever be is here in this moment. 

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