Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day 113, 2012 The 'good' character: education and money


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the good character by trying hard to get good grades in school and to impress my parents, to gain their attention and recognition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spend a lot of my time studying, always climbing a step higher than before, entering new ‘intellectual’ territory that was often far out of my reach because I did not have the fundamentals, and so I struggled and worked harder and harder because I believed that when I work this hard than I am going to become a good person and have value in society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to study because I feared disappointing my parents, and I feared not being a good person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have associated being a good person with being an educated person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the pursuit of an ‘intellectual’ status is a good thing in this world, and to strive for this status is spending my time in a 'worthwhile' manner. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that not money but education makes me a good person in this world, and thus have dismissed and denied myself to make good money because I wanted to be a good person in this world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have believed that money is associated with power and power is associated with ruthlessness, and thus can never be an attribute of the good character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people with a lot of money are inherently bad people, not realising that losers are jealous of winners and that this is how the money game is played by all - through competition and comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trade money for being a good person and thus have set myself up to be on the losing end so that I could strive harder to become better - eventually one day to be a good person and to be rewarded for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that good people are rewarded in life, not realising that this is a religious statement, which means that I am not responsible for what happens in the world as long as I am a good person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a romantic idea of "the good character", a picture of the bohemian with lots of great ideas and empty pockets but a solid and good person, always doing the right thing at the right time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that money is evil - deep down inside of me - and that I have sabotaged myself to not hold onto money, or have denied myself to make lots of money when I had the opportunity because I believed that positions that make lots of money require evil and cunning people to play the game. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not cunning enough to play the game of lots of money, not realising that if I had a lot of money I can support those who are standing up in life to change themselves and change the world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that ambition is an attribute of being a good character, and that one can never have too much ambition, not realising that ambition is the fear of loss and survival - and that ambition is driven by a deep anxiety to face oneself, because through ambition one’s focus is always externally directed on the next project, the next thing to learn, and the next hurdle to pass. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused and sacrificed my physical body in pursuit of my ambition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through my studies I can change the world never realising that this entails changing myself first, and by believing that I can change the world through education I never realised that this predicates the assumption that I am already better than anyone else because I believe that I have the 'tools' and 'power' to execute this change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have disappointed my parents because education does not ‘equal’ money, and I have not made the amounts of money that I believe my parents expect me to make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value in my studies to create a good character who gets a parental pad on her shoulder. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that I worked so hard in my studies because I had programmed myself from early age to please my mother, who values status and class, and I wanted to be that for her.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never question how ‘working really hard’ is connected with ‘being a good character’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired my parents' praise, because that meant that they thought of me as a good person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide ‘me’ from my parents because I believe that they would never accept what I do in my ‘other’ life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in my ‘other’ life I am not a good person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to make my parents proud because I believed what my relatives told me: "a good child makes her parents proud".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the superficial relationship with my parents, yet I did not want this to change because I feared their that they would think of me as a bad person if they would know more about me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don’t bother my parents by asking question than I am a good person because I noticed that asking questions was making my parents uncomfortable and often angry - so I used asking questions if I wanted to provoke my parents, or if I wanted to revenge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut myself up because I knew that my parents liked for me to be quiet, and thus I have programmed myself to shut up most of the time, "to not make any waves" that could bother someone somewhere. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to want to do the right thing, the good thing -  the thing of charity because then I could feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that doing the right thing is the deferred pad on my shoulder I want to give myself as I have programmed myself, according to how I received it from my parents. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been in competition with my brother and wanted to do be all the things that he was not, to be the ‘gelungene’ child in the eyes of my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself by having programmed myself to participate in activities that are supportive of my various characters and not of myself as Self where I could just ‘be’ not doing to 'do' - just to be of life, here in this moment. 

I commit myself to stop executing the program of the ‘good’ character. 

I commit myself to stop abusing education so that I can feel better about myself. 

I commit myself to stop looking for value in education and realising that the current educational system does not value life, and that it enslaves us into 'characters of performance' where we create and recreate abuse, competition, and judgement in the world. 

I commit myself to stop portraying myself as the good kid to my parents and realise at the same time that I can be gentle in breaking the mutual pattern with my parents. 

I commit myself to stop hiding myself from my parents and anyone else and express myself without judging myself, or judging other's reactions to my self-expression. 

I commit myself to be radical in myself expression, not to neglect my duties and commitments but to ensure that I allow myself to express myself freely without any objective or goal but just as me here in the physical.

I commit myself to start living as a whole and not as a ‘split’ person where I hide and cover up part of myself because I fear being judged as bad - and I do so in common sense, within the current system. 

I commit myself to apply myself in eradicating my ego, and all connections with education and status, and education and money. 

I commit myself to eradicate all conceptions of money, including that 'having money is bad' and 'having little money is good'. 

I commit myself to show others that the good character originates from fear. 

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