Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 109, 2012 My "right" to hate you: arrogance and stubbornness


This is a continuation to post:  Day 44, 2012 My 'rebel' actions are based on anxiety.



To my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have constructed my life in opposition to all that you valued because I tried to get away from suffering and feared that would end up living a life like yours. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in this process of removing myself from all that you recommended and wished for my life to become, held a crutch against you because of the way you treated me as a child and wanted to punish you - where I ended up punishing myself in the decisions I have made in my life. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be plagued emotionally by the memories of my childhood and wanted to erase all that you have said to me because I saw no value in it - not because there was no practical value but because I refused to have a closer look at what you said, as I decided to punish you by never trusting you again - and therefore to never trust myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never for a moment have considered the sameness between us but only considered how you did me wrong and how I was a victim because I was innocent being born into a family - never once looking at my position within family/nation/world as a member of humanity and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be - independently from the family I grew up in. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now deal with this part of me, and have buried all that is ‘parents’ deep inside of me and have carried myself around, suppressed in anger and hate. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen no option in how I could have interacted with you because whatever I have tried has failed as I never investigated my starting point or my intention in self-honesty. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider that I have done things in my life that I would do differently now and that those implicated by my actions can equally turn against me - similarly how I turned against you - never giving myself the opportunity to step out of my self-entrapment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held myself hostage with beliefs and ideas about you, and have constructed out of these beliefs and ideas a secure prison that would keep from looking at myself in depth - and keep me attached to my anger and fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wanted to change you because I believed that I was “right”, that I was the younger generation that understood the world much better than you - never once questioning my own assumptions and my own stance in the world having been born into a privileged position, having grown up in a time of no war. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in a superior position from which I could dismiss you and from which I navigated my life - in reference to my relationship with you but always in denial that this was so, because I did not see that how I navigated my life was in reaction to your values.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that navigating my life in reaction to yours has given me the opportunity to travel, to step out of the 9-5 slavery, and to do things my way, the bohemian way, because when push came to shove I was always able to fall back on you for help or anything else I needed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the character of the rebel as I believed that I was able to step out of the system, never realising that I was deluding myself, and that I was dependent on you as I am dependent on the system. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have enslaved myself in the same way you have enslaved yourself, and that only now I can recognise how I re-created with you, what you created between yourselves, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my creation, which I was unable to see because my viewpoint is from self-righteousness and superiority from which I continued the cycle of anger and fear. 

I commit myself to take responsibility for all that I am and at the same time take responsibility for the system because I realise that the system and I are one, and that only by taking total responsibility without backdoors can I change myself and thus change the system.  
I commit myself to stop blaming you and investigate how I am repeating the cycle of anger and fear, and release what I have accepted myself to exist as, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to further investigate my relationship with my parents, to understand in every detail how I have programmed myself.

I commit myself to bring about a system where parents are educated parents, in how to raise children by first 'raising' them Selves as beings that value what is best for all life - so that the future generation create a world that is free of suffering and parental abuse - a world where all take responsibility for an equally shared world in an equally shared manner. 

3 comments:

  1. This is great! Thanks for showing the example.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, I too have a similar point!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in a superior position from which I could dismiss you and from which I navigated my life - in reference to my relationship with you but always in denial that this was so, because I did not see that how I navigated my life was in reaction to your values.

    ReplyDelete

 
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