Saturday, August 4, 2012

Day 107, 2012 First impressions: “I like this person/ I don’t like this person” part 1


I have recently been in a situation where I/we had to choose between two groups of people in a ‘business’ transaction, where I/we were selling something of value and I/we had to choose the buyer. I realised that my interactions where influenced by whether I liked the people or not - I judged them by what they represented and how they behaved towards me/us, in terms of estimating their trustworthiness - after all this was business. I was not familiar with either party, so these people where strangers. I saw how automated I reacted to both groups. 
In the first instance, I/we met with the first group, it was very difficult for me to relate to their ways of being, I realised that what they represented to me was the memory I had on the label of: “the typical obnoxious middle class”, the people I remembered that used to point fingers at me, back in the days, when others called me “weird” because of my associations with marginalised sub cultures - and also in some ways they reminded of my parents. I saw that it was very easy for me to remain stable with my business conditions but I could barely talk to them, I felt anger without even knowing why. Afterwards, I investigated my anger and realised that I experienced myself as a victim - “I hate your middle class intolerance” - which I will be walking in the next post.
The focus of this post is the second group of people I liked much better, they were offbeat and 'cultured', and I could identify with them.  I realised that I started to waiver in my business conditions because I liked them.  I experienced a form of self-diminishment which of course comes with monetary consequences in all transactions. 
Backchat:
"Oh, they are so much nicer" 
"They are quiet and low key"
"They don’t look like the other group either"
"The woman seems to be in charge, I like that" 
"They are much more hip and modern and interested in culture"

Self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically judge people based on how they present themselves so that I can create a sense of security for myself through judgements, and the subsequent categorisation of the person(s) according to my database of labels and the corresponding attributes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this database consists of memories and experiences, which I am holding onto so that I can exist as I have always existed, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created myself as a database of memories and experiences which I am holding onto as I am holding onto the preprogrammed designs and automated behavioral patterns. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this categorisation and labelling of others is also how I categorise and label myself where I force myself to fit a certain label that I have conjured up in my mind, where all content of these memories and experience are linked to the database that I accept myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the symbolism of the two dividing poles, the positive and negative labelling and categorising, is the basis of my database of memories and experiences as they provide crutches for me to navigate my interactions in the world where I am always looking for that one positive thing and trying to get away from that one negative thing. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created my life around relationships of positive labels and in that I have diminished myself to make sure I would not create disturbing ripples that would cause the relationship to break down and I would have been at fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in an “urge” to relate to total strangers who I will never see again just so that I can satisfy my habitual linking of what I see and experience to my database of memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist in the world without relating to another regardless in what context, and have therefore never considered the consequences of these relationships and how they create the bigger picture of this world. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach people I have never met from the point of self-interest, where I pay attention to what this person represents in my life: my desires, my fears - in short my future projections, and have positioned myself accordingly, either as inferior or superior. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that unless I clear myself, remain in breath, and I am aware of these patterned behaviours I entrap myself each time I meet a new person. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to translate this “I like you/ I don’t like you” character into bodily movements where I will make more physical effort to accommodate and sell myself to the person(s) I like, and likewise, will engage less with person(s) I don’t like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more outgoing with the person(s) I like, more willing to share myself and likewise, will remain quiet and in the background with person(s) I don’t like. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated my behaviour to categorise people into liking and disliking, whereby I let go of my personal power when I like them and strengthen my personal power when I don’t like them - therefore, in a professional context I can maintain my objective when I don’t like the people I am interacting with but on the contrary, I falter in maintaining my objective when I like the people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my personal power subject of a win/lose dynamic where I believe because I like someone I have something to lose and if I don't like someone I have nothing to lose. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this win/lose dynamic is entirely automated and that I am only reacting just like any programmed machine - hence I can stop this by applying my SELF. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated myself when meeting new people to search for “overlapping” labels in my database of memories and experiences- so that I can identifiy with the person(s) because I have ‘found’ matching labels and can thus feel good about myself and the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then be able to say "me too" and therefore create a bond with this/these person(s) because of a shared label.  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with people I like and thus create limitations in what and how I can engage socially and on what level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people I like because I am afraid of betraying their trust and end up feeling guilty about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a physical reaction in my solar plexus, where I am contracting myself, when I am about to address someone as the "I like this person" character with my conditions/requests/demands/requirements - and in that moment limit myself in standing firm by my conditions/requests/demands/requirements, and quickly compute in my mind where/how I can lessen these conditions/requests/demands/requirements  - because I believe that my conditions/requests/demands/requirements are too much to ask for. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make up my mind’ about liking someone and then react in anger, once I realise what I am doing, in how I diminish myself, instead of gently bringing myself back to breath and pushing through the barrier of limitation. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts that there is still something to be had about liking/not liking someone - in the sense that I still believe that it will have some advantage for me if I were to like the person - not realising that all this is a mind trap, because as I have seen "liking someone"  means I am willing to diminish myself, as I have equated "liking" with making "less" of myself.  
I commit myself to stop my automated behaviour where I, as the program I am, decide whether I like or not like a new person I meet - I understand that these moments are manifested consequences of the constituents of polarisation, which are evident in what we are living on a global scale. 
I commit myself to stop limiting myself in creating behaviour of programmed labels, categories, and attributes and stop holding on to the crutches of a perceived security by dividing the world into good/positive/right and bad/negative/wrong.

I commit myself to investigate any kind of reaction I have towards others - positive and negative - and to bring it back to Self, and release these reactions through letting go of memories, beliefs, feelings and emotions - so that I can walk free from being tied to my past. 
I commit myself to delete the database of memories and experience that I exist as. 

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