Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day 99, 2012 My dialoguing character - part 2

Another dimension of this dialoguing character is on the premise of part 1 but here the experience of not getting my word in is because I believe that what I have to say is more correct more valid than what the other person says. Here my motivation is a different one, it is based on self-righteousness where I am in competition with the other person in delivering my opinion or my knowledge and it's about 'drowning' out the other's opinion and knowledge through getting my words into the conversation.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in conversations from the starting point of inferiority towards some information/knowledge/opinion that I have and I want to use in relating to another to establish myself as superior. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have subject matters exist within me where I have passionate feelings attached to and in having these feelings I use the information/knowledge/opinion as tools to manipulate others in relating to them, to create an energetic 'high' for myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself with excitement when I begin to dialogue with someone about some piece of information or talk about my opinion, where the picture of standing at the starting line of a race, such as a marathon, is the symbol for me getting ready to win the race of words.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself right at the beginning of the discussion and throughout the discussion to merely exist as a mind talking, where all else vanishes, including the other person and I no longer perceive anything else around me - where my focus has shifted to the topic of discussion and the retrievable information which is in the moment the only value of life for me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that in the moment where I allow this picture of the starting line to have a hold of me, I am an abuser of life whereby I do not use my awareness to stop myself but instead proceed by talking myself into an possession, where I unleash my demonic nature to suppress life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into a discussion of self-righteousness from the starting point of wanting to win the discussion where my body is heating up, my cheeks are reddening, where my breath starts to race in parallel to my racing thoughts where I transform my body through the adrenalin rush of excitement as I, as my mind, cease the opportunity to establish myself as superior. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop even when the other person is already defeated from my perspective, because I adhere to my ego where I want to get all the information/knowledge/opinion out there regardless of the other's person presence or participation in the discussion. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a moment within this situation/discussion where I can insert my words more frequently until I 'get' the other person to stop stating their information/knowledge/opinion and to see and agree with the points that I am making. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hear what is being said at this moment but to use fragments of what is being said by the other to leverage myself so that I can continue talking about my piece of information/knowledge/opinion. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be forceful within this character in that I will not allow my ego to be defeated and that I will talk until I am done or until I see no other way at which point I say to the other person "you have your opinion/insight/information and I have mine".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when the discussion does not end for me in the manner that I want/need/desire - meaning that I win the argument and emerge as superior - and when this does not happen I create backchat about the other person where I diminish their standpoint/opinion/knowledge and have no further interest for more discussions. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself defeated when I did not get all my words into the discussion where I succeed in winning the person over to my piece of information/knowledge/opinion.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to raise my voice during the conversation because I perceive the other person's information/knowledge/opinion as threat, to win the discussion and thus believe that raising my voice allows me to get more words in and to be better heard. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the other as hostile and unfriendly when the result of the discussion does not take the course to my liking.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my body as heavy and exhausted, like a weight that sits on me, where I drag my body and my movements are heavy - when I perceive that the result of the discussion has not turned out in my favour.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the other as friendly and nice when the result of the discussion corresponds to me winning the discussion with my argument, when my discussion partner agrees with me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand, exist within me.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define provocation, challenge, and being stubborn within the memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate  myself from provocation, challenge, and being stubborn through defining provocation, challenge, and being stubborn within the memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand - in separation of myself. 

I commit myself to stop the polarisation game in all it's dimensions and I realise that this dialoguing character I play builds on polarisation of inferiority and superiority, and on judging others as good/right/positive or bad/wrong/negative depending on how I relate to others.

I commit myself to stop all passionate feelings concerning information/knowledge and opinion and see them for what they are namely a way to identify myself with something (information/knowledge) that is external to me - a tool of the mind to harness energetic experiences.


I commit myself to realise that self-righteousness is the me I have allowed myself to exist as within ego.

I commit myself to realise that self-righteousness is the me I have allowed myself to exist as within ego



I commit myself to stop the picture of a race coming up before I get into a discussion and immediately focus on breathing and slowing myself down. 


I commit myself to stop the separation right at the beginning of the dialogue, and take the physical cue of experiencing my body's excitement to end the separation that is just unfolding. 


I commit myself to listen to the other and learn to see beyond the words to create insights that I can apply self-forgiveness to - so that we can address all dimensions of separation whereby I realise that I cannot see them all by myself and within dialoguing with others I create opportunities to see more of who I am in the other as me. 

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