Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day 98, 2012 My dialoguing character - part 1

The character is about dialoguing with someone else, and I perceive the other person as not giving me space to talk and I struggle to find moments where I squeeze my words into the dialogue. I realise that there are many dimensions as to why I believe I need to squeeze words in.  The first dimension is about communicating vital information e.g. meeting arrangements.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of "missing out" on some information. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of being "left behind" about some event.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of incompletion as who I am.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of making myself smaller, less important and information and events more important than self. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into the conversation from the starting point of focusing my attention on the other person and the information they have for me, believing and justifying that I am doing this attentional shift because I have to "get" something from the other person. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is one-shot deal within the communication of the information and if I do not "get" it right away then I it will be lost - not realising that this fear exists within me before the conversation has even started: the fear of loss.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this fear of loss is also the fear of "for"getting - the belief that something enters between me and the information not realising that all "for"getting is the separation that I experience through having separated myself from my Self.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become invisible, imperceptible, non-existent as self during the conversation, from the starting point of placing my attention on the other person and what they speak to me and therefore existing "outside" of myself as the physical being by existing in my mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to speak in response to the person but find "no room" to speak because I expect the other person to give me room to speak.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start to breathe faster in the moment I don't find room to speak to the other person where I experience the words of the other as a wall that is impenetrable.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the impact of hitting the wall of words, as I perceive the other person's way of communicating, and in that moment of impact experience a physical reaction of heat rising in my body from my solar plexus area towards my head and at the same time my attention on the other person retracts and shifts onto my body as I experience the rise of anger inside myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow up this physical experience with backchat: "what the fuck, let me speak"; "this is so annoying"; "oh my god s/he won't stop speaking".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the backchat. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in frustration and anxiety once the backchat has started.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my responsibility to make sure I "get" the information from the other person because in my backchat I say "if I don't get the information than it's my problem not hers/his"


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don't "get" the information than I will fail.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to haste myself because I fear loss and because I believe that haste will compensate for not getting my words into the conversation. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother - while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't want to hassle myself in this way, as I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me, to exist within me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself to as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother - while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't want to hassle myself in this way, as I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define restriction, stress, fright, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, and survival within the memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother - while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't want to hassle myself in this way, as I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me. 




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from restriction, stress, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, and survival through defining restriction, stress, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, survival within the memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother -while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me - in separation of myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that restriction, stress, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, and survival are here as me equal and one in every moment of breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have internalised within this memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and blaming me that it is my fault that some information, event, appointment is missed and that I am responsible for it. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself that if I do not stress myself and hassle myself and abuse my body I will miss something such as information, an event, and or an appointment. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have associated stress with achievement and have transferred the experience I had as a child with my mother and the constant level of stress that I experienced of having to do things faster, more effective - an experience of constantly "running" - I have placed that as a condition onto myself in all arenas of my life where achievement and production is required - and thus I have habituated myself to working in and as stress not realising the accepted belief that forms my starting point based on the memories of my childhood when interacting with my mother. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blamed my mother for interacting with me like in this manner throughout my childhood and now take responsibility to release all memories on this point of fear/hassle/physical movement. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blamed my mother for this way of existing and thus teaching me to exist in stress, hassle, constant hurry, not realising that I have programmed myself just like she has programmed herself based on her memories of growing up (during war time), and that I have never considered that this act of blaming perpetuates me holding on to this pattern. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created much self-abuse of my physical existence throughout my life because I have always wanting to move faster than what was physically possible not realising that I existed in total separation from my physical body. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trained myself in the experience of anxiety through persistently hassling myself to move faster, do things quicker, and have used impatience to punish myself with self-defeating self-talk.


I commit myself to stop all ideas/concepts/beliefs that I am incomplete as Self and realise that there is nothing to "get" and nowhere to "go"- therefore nothing can be "missed".


I commit myself to realise that information can only be shared and that within sharing it is my responsibility to share myself from the point of the physical being that is Self.


I commit myself to exist as equal to any information/event and that if I do not know about it or have not learned it does not mean that I am less or more than the information/event - therefore I stop identifying with all that is external to me and stop all separation. 


I commit myself to continue to apply myself in existing as Self here in the physical which means that during any conversation/talk I conduct, I remain in my physical body and do not separate myself by shifting my attention to the external.


I commit myself to eradicate step by step all fear of loss as it exists within me by deleting all dimensions where I have accepted myself to exist as fear of loss.


I commit myself to stop all excuses as to why I must "use" my mind because I realise that "for"getting only occurs when I am trying to 'get' information through separation from my Self. 


I commit myself to stop all expectation within my conversations with people and realise that I am responsible for my experience and that I speak as self-expression not in response to someone else. 


I commit myself to stop the thought that creates my experience of "not getting my words in" and realise that when I proceed to backchat I have to apply myself more in self-corrective application.


I commit myself to stop all backchat related to the experience of "not getting my words in".


I commit myself to realise that this experience is instigated by memories and 'one pixel' thoughts and that I take responsibility for releasing the memory and eradicating the 'one pixel' thought. 


I commit myself to understand and penetrate into the depth of my Self to eradicate all beliefs in stress, anxiety, speed and slow myself down so that I can see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. 


I commit myself to function, operate, and move my Self one breath at the time and in doing so steadily and consistently walk my process and contribute to the creation of changing human nature which will become visible for the first time via an equal money system. 

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