Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Day 92, 2012 My character who speaks: "there is something worthwhile knowing in what I think"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am still dishonest when I "think" I am writing this blog from the starting point of self-honesty. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I still "hold" onto to thinking because there is a sliver of hope that I have to subscribed myself to, where I believe in the crevices of my mind, the tiny hidden ones, that thinking will pay off and I will have some damn 'insight' that solves my problems and provides me with relief from myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to struggle with breathing because I don't realise that I am actually struggling to let go of thinking because I have some secret belief in my secret mind that is so hidden that I pretend to not find it in self-honesty. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have made excuses that I am an academic and that I am trained to think and therefore it's not so easy for me to 'switch' my thinking off.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have excused myself with playing 'stupid', that I get confused because when I work on papers and other academic material, therefore I must think, and then in my "other", personal life I should actually stop thinking - thus separating myself - which I pretend to not realise because I do not count my academic work as part of my process and thus I exist as split personality - because I exist neither here nor there in breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am actually suffering from my own doing because I "find" myself in agony as points about who I really am in what I have accepted and allowed, are increasingly showing up and I succumb to self-torture, because I do not realise that I am still invested in my mind - and am too ego-riden, too proud, of what goes on in my head, to let go.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that all this boils down to my "specialness" where I give myself a "show" by hiding from myself,  because I am ashamed to see and let the rest of the world see, who I really am. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be brutal and full of hatred in my secret mind towards everyone and everything in this world and in self-honesty exempt myself from my own brutality because I consider myself as special. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to myself that I am finally fed up existing like this but then once the day is over and the energies have worn down I continue "thinking" and not breathing - and going through the same cycle over again the next time around. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise how I within the way of existing abuse my body because I feel the contracting and pulling sensations within my lower abdomen that I know I can stop when I stop thinking and start breathing. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself and the world "lip service" with all this talk about "breathing here", when I accept the weight that I am onto myself upon my own "shoulders" and do not allow myself to stop.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to fear watching the facade that I exist as crumble and fall, therefore I will lie to myself under the guise of self-honesty.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever be ready to find excuses that wrap up blame in a nice little package that sits in my mind like a time bomb which I do not dare to open because I am so enchanted with the wrapper. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear a mask because I am afraid to see what I have allowed myself to exist as and because I believe that it is a daunting task to take responsibility for it. 


I commit myself to delete all layers of me as thinking entity and not stop until all is uncovered by stoping the fears that I use to hide myself from myself.


I commit myself to give myself the permission of my life time to stop thinking anything and for any reason and to exist as breathing body in space. 


I commit myself to develop trust as my physical body.


I commit myself to stop shame and specialness in all its forms and shapes within myself and realise that these are outflows of my ego.


I commit myself to begin to live by accepting me as breath.


I commit myself to push myself at all times until I have ended my mind.


I commit myself to stop all separation from my mind and realise that this process of breathing can be done without self-torture but requires consistency in self-application and in timely treatment of surfacing thoughts. 


I commit myself to be patient with myself and to stand equal to all that I have hidden from myself and realise that to uncover that which is hidden is a process which involves time and self-application. 


I commit myself to support all others as me and end separation of myself - within the activities I do and the social interactions in which I engage. 



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