Saturday, July 14, 2012

Day 88, 2012 My character, the diplomat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to play the "diplomatic" character to act in self-interest and hide my fear of conflict and rejection. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have played the diplomat in my family where I took it upon myself to find ways to intervene when my parents were fighting - to divert their attention, to create humour, to be playful and focus on things they both liked .


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared my parents' fights and spent my time to figure out how to avoid/diminish/stop conflict between my parents and in the course of doing so have I used deception and manipulation quite deliberately because I feared the parental "cloud" of anger and emotion descending onto me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realised that this diplomatic character has a "flip" side which is to be liked by others and to avoid any moves, words and deeds that could burn bridges or turn someone off to me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed an uncanny ability to observe and recall details about people's behaviour because I know that I can use these observations to my advantage, when I know the likes and dislikes of others, I have "material" for manipulation, to get what I want or "secure" my position in the interaction with another. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider this 'ability', to be diplomatic, an asset because it has supported me throughout my life in difficult situation with difficult people while I have not realised that deception and manipulation is a two-way street, affecting all parties involved. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have very deliberately used "acting as inferior" when I realised that this "works" for the person and makes them feel good - likewise I have acted in "superior" ways when I realised that this is preferred - all the while not realising that at the depth of it all I covered up my own insecurities and lack of self-trust.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have automated certain reactions that I now realise are all based on this mechanism of diplomacy - and that I also realise that I don't even know what to do in situations when I am no longer acting from the the starting point of "having to be diplomatic" not realising that I must do nothing but breath here as me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I hold myself back when I believe that what I am about to do or say does not support my picture of the "diplomatic" character. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thought of it being an asset to say what I want to say in most coded way so that what I want to say is implied. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as the "diplomatic" character to be ready and willing to compromise any given time to keep the peace and avoid conflict.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acted as the diplomatically character and have accepted and generated abuse in the my interactions with others - all in self-interest because I believed that this is only way I get what I want.


I forgive myself to have enjoyed "difficult" characters because for my diplomatic character this is/was a challenging situation, to convince or manipulate the other, when they did not make it easy for me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used my diplomatic character to play with others and entertain myself and experience myself in a state of energetic highs when I emerged as a winner - keeping all that secret from the other, tucked away in my secret mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mother telling me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you will need them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother exist within me where she tells me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you need them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define advantage, secret, and survival within the memory of my mother telling me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you will need them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from advantage, secret and survival through defining advantage, secret and survival within the memory of my mother telling me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you need them, in separation of myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that advantage, secret and survival is here as me equal and one in every moment of breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in anger when my "diplomatic" character efforts failed. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in excitement when I was challenged as my "diplomatic" character.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in happiness when I my "diplomatic" character was successful. 


I commit myself to stop the "diplomat" I play as the character to justify acting in self-interest. 


I commit myself to self-manipulation and self-sabotage and learn to express myself as me and not as what I think/belief/assume someone else will like.


I commit myself stop all automated behaviour that is in support of my cast of characters and learn to express myself as me. 


I commit myself to no longer be responsible for any one's fighting, anger or other emotional outbursts and permit myself to just walk away when this happens in my life again. 


I commit myself to stop all thoughts that are generated by me to weigh a situation for the most diplomatic approach and act strictly in common sense and what is best for all.  



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