Saturday, July 14, 2012

Day 87, 2012 My "black sheep" character


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the “black sheep” character in my family which has determined how I have led my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have believed myself as 'outcast' by my family because I was easily pointed to as the root of all 'family-related' evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the “black sheep” character to create fears of loss and thus create attachment to objects, projects and people because as this character I experienced myself as unequal to other family members, and thus I programmed myself to firmly hold on to objects, projects, and people, that I believed I owned/had to not lose control, because I operated from a point of scarcity. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse my actions and avoid responsiblity because I could at any time use the “black sheep” character, a character which was expected to be crazy, funny, and outrageous - to create freedom for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the “black sheep” character to evade responsibility because I could always blame my parents for having me made this character. 
I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to have used the “black sheep” character to feel special - as misfit- and thus have projected myself onto the marginalised groups within society for support, where I have developed a particular liking for hanging out with these types of groups - that are not accepted by the mainstream of society, because I believed that this is where I belong. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced feelings of pride because I considered myself to not be caught up by the mainstream of society because I judged the mainstream as stupid, gullible, controlled and sheepish consumers which I, together with the types of groups I hung out with, could rise above in separation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the “black sheep” character to create an interesting life for myself where I lived and worked in six different countries, always ready for the next adventure and excitement ever developing my practical streetwise ways through daring myself to do "stuff", and to move about on the “international” scene. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted the “black sheep” character to fill my loneliness with “colourful” experiences so that I could even more step back from families, societies, nations, countries and by doing so feel powerful in the observer perspective where I had an “overview” and no belonging/attaching, which I used to create my “unique” viewpoint of life and the world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have created this “interesting” life as a form of diversion so that I did not have to deal with the memories of my childhood, and by virtue of not being rooted anywhere I did not create attachment and commitment easily, and thus prevented myself from dealing with pain and suffering because I used the excitement of change to live in denial of my Self. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used my “black sheep” character to “get going when things got tough” and thus have created a sense of temporary living within myself, wherever I ended up, and therefore permitted myself to persistently project myself into the future to the next goal, project, adventure, and study to keep the diversion/excitement in tact. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that there are two sides of the  “black sheep” character  where I have existed in utter polarisation, which is on the one hand my uncommitted, free-roaming, international life style, and on the other, I am attached to my profession, my work, my study and “some selected” people where I am the devoted worker, creator, and friend and would give all and everything to keep the attachment going. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realised that this polarisation of the “black sheep” character extended into the realm of fears where I was on the one hand absolutely fearless regarding my travels and living in a new country, or moving to a new country and dealing with all the ins and outs of establishing myself there, and on the other hand, fear-ridden inside, fearing loss and rejection by the selected view friends or losing a project/job/collaborator which I used to give meaning to my life.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my parents exist within me where they favoured my brother over me in giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my parents where they favoured my brother over me in giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define attention, pride, and care within the memory of my parents favouring my brother over me by giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from attention, pride, and care through defining attention, pride and care within the memory of my parents favouring my brother over me by giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that attention, pride and care are here as me equal and one in every breath. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy” exist within me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define independence, rejection, withdrawal within the memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from independence, rejection, and withdrawal through defining independence, rejection and withdrawal within the memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy”, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that independence, rejection and withdrawal are here as me equal and one in every breath. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself as jealous of my brother and have used the “black sheep” character to find solace and stop the jealousy because I believed that neither my brother nor my parents could have ever dreamed to have a life like mine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realised that I have used and abused the "black sheep" character to run away from my Self and thus have used and abused all that is physical at the same time because to run away I ran to different physical places in the world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am here at all times and that facing myself is the only way I can step out of any character - here, breathing as me. 

I commit myself to stop playing the "black sheep" character and face myself in every way, all fears, all loneliness, all memories and realise that there is no place in the world where I can hide from myself.

I commit myself to realise all attachment to objects/projects/people and stand here one and equal to myself and thus to all as all is one. 

I commit myself to realise that the division of groups, no matter what their nature, is always based on separation as this is the concept of "two or more in my name"/ "divide and conquer" whether that the basis is intellectually or physically. 

I commit myself to stop all acts of diversion and face my daily tasks as what they are: to get the job done and create a world that is best for all. 

I commit myself to honour my process as birthing myself in the physical as the first and foremost responsibility that I have in this life, which is the responsibility to all and thus all that is individualised as objects/projects/people is equal to me in process. 

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