Sunday, July 8, 2012

Day 82, 2012 My investigator/researcher character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character who is quite happy to pass her time investigating "interesting" topics and then constructing a view of these topics by drawing on a number of different sources.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have, as the investigator/researcher character an insatiable thirst to understand how different ideas are connected with the physical world and to not realise that this thirst is fundamentally me wanting to understand myself and my role in this world. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to understand myself, I must stop playing characters, and I must look into myself and develop self-intimacy.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I am in the character "mode" of researching, I experience a sense of purpose and believe what I do is a "worthwhile" occupation where I can really "get into" and apply myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I apply myself to the extend of becoming "single-minded" so that I am mainly existing in my mind I no longer exist in reality. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that researching and investigating, as it is promoted in higher education and in academia, is promoting behavioural possession and addiction to knowledge.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that our current personal technologies are supporting our addiction to information. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I recharge myself energetically through information - when I extensively research and perform topical, work-related investigations I experience a momentary satisfaction and when the satisfaction wears of I want to know more. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the researcher/investigator character to abuse myself by sitting in front of my computer and spending many hours to research and write - yet I was happy to do this work, because I recharged myself energetically.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have for the same reason enjoyed the solitary aspect of the researcher/investigator character because I can hide myself from the world and exist in my mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have often ignored my physical existence to "passionately" engage in my investigator/researcher character while my body was aching and in pain being forced to accommodate my mental state.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the more I studied and became the researcher character, the more I used knowledge to separate myself from my parents. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to like studying because my parents have never emphasised this aspect when I was living with them, which is how I realised that they feared that one day I know more than them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acquired knowledge because I wanted my parents to approve of me, and at the same time use my education/knowledge to feel superior to my parents.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that knowledge does not feed me and that knowing a lot is only one component in how this world is navigated for survival.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the researcher character and acquired knowledge because I hoped and projected that this secures my survival.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used knowledge as part of the researcher character to burry my head in the sand, so that I did not have to deal with other responsibilities that adults have to deal with because it seemed much like a burden, and I resisted it. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a careful "thinker" when I play my researcher character, who works out all the different angles about a topic of my interest, but who does not want to apply the same approach to my personal situation when I am presented with a challenge or decision that requires self-change, I do not like to consider the various possibilities and prefer to choose what supports my resistances. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect skills as I collect utilitarian objects and tools, because I have programmed myself with a "just in case" belief.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with "see, it was a good thing that I have this skill / kept this object" and thus confirming my researcher character by congratulating myself for having had just the right skill/thing when it was needed. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have as the researcher character been proud of myself and feeding my ego when others have called me resourceful.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am resourceful and thus I can solve any problem, not realising that this is the character I play.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem, and me admiring her for that. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem, and me admiring her for that. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define originality, creativity, and worldliness within a memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem, and me admiring her for that. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from originality, creativity and worldliness through defining originality, creativity, and worldliness within the memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem and me admiring her for that, in separation of myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that originality, creativity and worldliness are always here as me equal and one in every breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my researcher character never gives up until a satisfactory answer is found.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the researcher character that I play to strengthen my ego through righteousness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the researcher character to protect and separate myself from the world.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I as the researcher character judge others when refer to my research field, from the starting point of superiority where I am  not able to listen to another's viewpoint when it is does not agree with my own. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used  Desteni research material to promote my researcher character when talking to others, where I used the Desteni material from the starting point of imparting knowledge so that I could experience myself as superior and produce energetic charges within myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself as the researcher character, to assess whether I am intellectually superior/inferior in comparison of a another person and if I believe myself to be superior I will use knowledge and information to "put them into their place".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use knowledge and information to control others. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the researcher characters who abuses knowledge, information and words.


I commit myself to stop playing the researcher/investigator character and use knowledge/information/words to create energetic charges within myself.


I commit myself to face myself by applying myself with the same rigour I apply in my work to personal situations that are uncomfortable and difficult for me. 


I commit myself to stand equal to my job as researcher and work without creating a character and without addiction to the work itself.


I commit myself to stop limiting myself and making myself dependent on knowledge and information for my survival.


I commit myself to stop using knowledge and information to exist within polarisation, between inferiority and superiority. 


I commit myself to stop feeding my ego through how I use knowledge and information. 


I commit myself to assess and use any information and knowledge from the point of what is best for all. 


I commit myself to get to know who I am as self, one and equal to all that is here. 



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