Sunday, July 29, 2012

Day 103, 2012 ...giving up? Fear of change because I fear loss


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing my life because I fear not being effective in my commitments as I do not trust myself that I will be able to handle the demands of various commitments at the same time if I were to change my life, and thus will not be able to participate as I would like to participate because I simply won’t have the time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear of loss, that is: having the time to fulfill my commitments and fearing that I lose this time when I change my life - as an excuse to not wanting to change my life although I know that I must so that I stand as functional member within society as that is best for all.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this fear of change to manipulate myself physically by producing contracting sensations in my solar plexus every time I think of how my life will have to change, and instead of stopping my future projections in which I mull over and plot how I will structure my life in the future to compensate for not having the same amount of time - I do not see what needs to be done in the moment here where there is plenty to organise and orchestrate but it does not get done because I am sucked into my mind where I exist as the “I give up” character. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the consequence of me believing to be the “I give up” character is that I no longer effectively participate in my reality and that I allow for follow-up excuses that create a trail of self-diminishment in all arenas of my life because having given into one excuse makes it much easier to give into multiple excuses, to give up, in other parts of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear of change to stagnate in my life - to keep myself in a transition state - and looping over the same issues instead of setting myself free from the “I give up” character by trusting myself and by understanding that it is about who I am in every moment and not what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted this situation: that on the one hand I do want to change my life because I am fed up with the current situation, the lack of self-direction in the physical, yet I brace myself by believing the thoughts of my mind which are the backchat in form of the fear of loss created by my “I give up” character - not realising that in order to move myself I must first move this character out of the way. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am still hiding from myself within this situation because the fear of change is also the fear of failing to heed my commitments, which is really about my ego fearing that others can no longer see that I am fulfilling my commitments, therefore the “I give up” character is guided by the “reputation” character which exists because I do not trust myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not seen the cascade of characters involved in this fear of change because I have suppressed this fear and believed that it would go away if I ignore it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that all my fears created around this change are not taking physical reality into account, as well as the current actual circumstances of my life, whereby I recognise that I have no means to understand or predict what is going to happen once I change my life- therefore I have created fear of change based on the movie in my mind and have distracted myself with this fear by not getting things done - by not looking at who I am in every moment- and not responding according to my abilities to bring about the necessary change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still believe that I, as my mind, can know things about the future, when only in self-honesty I can know the future because of my accepted allowances which will perpetuate that which I have allowed myself to exist as in my starting point.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the fear of change and fear of loss is the backchat of my “I give up” character, and that I can simply stop it by stopping the ‘thought seed’ of heaviness, the gloomy and dark picture of a burden coming down from the sky - a god of punishment, who I have evoked because I am not taking responsibility for myself - thus I am still a believer, who believes in god as the one who determines my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this belief in a greater force running my life, which somewhere exists within me based on what I see as the consequence of myself, the preprogrammed automated behaviour patterns, which I allow to be bigger than Self. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the situation/pattern that I am describing here is actually quite simplistic and only hinges on a few beliefs that cause an avalanche of characters to come into play, to keep my Self hidden from my Self. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my focus is to be self-directed at all times for which I do not need the “I give up” character nor do I need my mind but I require my Self to apply common sense and breathing in awareness. 

Thus, I realise that I am equal to all that is here and that no situation can ever be bigger than me unless I make it so through feelings/emotions/beliefs.

I commit myself to stop believing in polarity forces and penetrate all that is polarity within me through writing my Self out and breathing life into my writings by walking the writing as Self.  

I commit myself to understand when I allow myself to not immediately investigate my thoughts and beliefs as they come up but push them away in hopes that they will go away - I am engaging in a religious act. 


I commit myself to investigate myself as soon as I notice fear arise within me because that means that I am not seeing that I have made something else bigger than myself. 


I commit myself to apply myself in creating my life and stop all delusions - such as fear of change and fear of loss.


I commit myself to admit to myself that I cannot know the physical reality that I will live in the future but that I can know my starting point if I am aware of it, and if I am not aware of it than I must apply myself to find out so that I can forgive my Self. 


I commit myself to walk this point in all its details as I realise that only through ending all fears and characters I will change myself and change the world. 

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