Saturday, July 28, 2012

Day 101, 2012 Facing failure and all its characters



The failure character does not appear alone. When I engage in the win/lose game of our society, I create expectations and if then reality does not correspond to what I expect of myself, in response to my efforts  - by having won in some form, I report failure - and I roll out this failure via a bunch of characters. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond to the outcome where my contribution was not accepted with a thought of heaviness, upon reading about it, whereby I immediately identify myself with the outcome and allow myself to enter into the “giving up” character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that even when I say "I don’t have any expectations" I still have expectations, which I realise when I receive confirmation of an outcome that does not meet my expectations, and thus I react with a sudden heaviness and sinking feeling in my solar plexus to the words that inform me of the negative outcome, and I lose all stability in breathing here. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not been self-honest in how I have dealt with the situation where I instead of standing here in self-trust, I concealed my lack of self-trust by secretly hoping that the external world would accept me, by selecting me, so that I emerge as winner. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created the “confidence” character as the initial character, who I allow to step in to cover up my fear of failure and my expectations to win - which I reveal to myself in the moment when the outcome is presented to me, when I am exposed to the fact that I have not won - and I see in self-honesty that I have just blinded myself with the "confidence" character to avoid dealing with the expectation but now I experience myself through thought/picture heaviness and the overall sinking feeling in response to the negative news. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acted in self-dishonesty through  the “confidence” character instead of trusting myself in breath that no matter the outcome I remain here with all that is here and continue to apply myself until I succeed. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond to the one-pixel thought of heaviness, of weight falling on me, where the overall thought/picture is dark and cloudy, by entering into backchat where I try to justify to myself why I had a negative outcome while my body goes into contractions, my shoulders slump, my breathing becomes heavy, and my voice is somewhat broken.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to hold onto the “confidence” character where I clear my throat and continue as if nothing had happened so that I can keep up my façade and make myself believe that I was not affected that much after all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately start to search in my mind for similar situations, where results are outstanding, where I then allow myself to go into anxiety within the expectation that the result will also be negative, just like this one. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I use this moment to then go into self-defeat by looking at other situations in my life, where I can suspect future failure, or point already to failure and loss, instead of stopping my mind in breath, right here in this moment and stop accepting defeat as my Self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then enter into a battle with my backchat, where I aim to stop the chatter in my mind, and the sinking feeling of disappointment in my body, at which moment I give way to the “I give up” character and start to compare myself to others who have succeeded - which is yet another manner where I allow myself to exist in defeat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from the failure character to the giving up character where I try to convince myself why my participation was useless from the onset, to make myself feel better, and stop other efforts to continue to apply myself in similar situations. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make myself feel better instead of understanding that these are the rules of the consciousness game, which I can change by changing myself, by stopping the characters I play and the resulting identification with the external world, where I instead focus on my Self in self-trust, as trusting myself every step of the way that I walk in this world as the living process of change - in which I determine my SELF through the physical substance in breath - ending all points of separation one by one. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the desire to win is also the desire to fulfil my wants/needs/desires and to produce a situation that "fails" so that I do not step out of the cycle of chasing my desires in what I do - and thus not make the decision to end myself as preprogrammed entity by stopping all wants/needs/desires and all ways I pursue these wants/needs/desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that once I feel better and the energetic dimension of the self-created experience subsides, I will re-enter this cycle with the next expectation of winning, or hoping to win in a situation which starts of with my “confidence” character, downplaying my expectations regarding the efforts I have put forth to win, and I repeat this choreography of characters until I stop.

I stop.
I breathe.
I commit myself to stop the "confidence" character, the "failure character", the "giving up" character in all their dimensions realising that what I have written here is only the tip of the dimensionalities - and in that I am committing myself to not stop writing until all characters have been deleted in all their dimensionality.
I commit myself to slow myself down so that as soon as I receive the report of a result in a win/lose game of society - I can stop the heaviness thought/picture and stop the unfolding of the characters. 
I commit myself to slow myself down to when I create any submission for the win/lose game of society, I observe my body and any feelings of excitement where I realise that this excitement is an indication that I am expecting a positive outcome where I have won, and in that moment I apply myself in self-forgiveness and walking the solution as me here in breath in my participation of the win/lose game of society. 
I commit myself to stop my desires to win and realise that I can work/exist in the current system by steadily participating in the win/lose game without expectation, yet steadily applying myself to create a comfortable work/live space where I can prepare all that is necessary to walk my process and to contribute to changing the world to a place that is best for all.
I commit myself to stop my ego, and all it’s ‘accessories’ which are ultimately based on being/feeling/pursueing specialness - and to have my specialness confirmed by winning the win/lose game of society.
I commit myself to walking the point of self-trust until I can be here in breath no matter what happens in my life, and what challenges I am faced with.

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