Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day 100, 2012 How fear of a fly has transformed me

We have experienced the invasion of a particular fly in our house. In order to keep their multiplication under control we had to kill the flies. However, we were unable to control them ourselves so we had to call an exterminator to take care of it. Meanwhile I have created a fear because I experience myself as being invaded. I realise I have not seen this character before but I recognise that much of this behaviour is how I have seen my mother react before....

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to kill the flies but to perceive myself that I must do so to keep the multiplication of the flies in check and in order to do so I have separated myself from the fly - where I have become squeamish when I see the fly in response to me having to kill them more 'easily' as the separation 'helps' me killing the fly so that I can see the fly as negative/bad/wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not stopped the separation as I saw it evolve from being relatively ignorant of the fly as in "oh, just another fly" to now an emotionally charged statement "omg, another fly!" where I now react to the fly in fear and anxiety. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this particular fly and not to other flies because I have a belief that this fly has done me wrong by invading my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react the moment I see one of the flies where see as a thought a fly that is bigger than me, that grows from a little fly to a monster fly, that keeps growing bigger and bigger and once I have seen this picture/thought in my mind I react with physical movements that are jittery and spastic as if I want to shake off the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this reaction is a program that exist somewhere within me and that I am still responsible for my reactions and not look for excuses of dealing with the fly problem in our house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify killing the fly by labelling the fly as bad/wrong/negative, therefore separating myself from the fly, instead of realising that the fly is life in a bodily suit just like mine and that the reason of their invasion is based on our economic system - as I am aware of the reason related to the owners of the street and their refusal to sell the street to the city so that the sewage system can be repaired - and instead of taking responsibility for this situation as member of this economic system that sacrifices all life for money, I justify my behaviour towards the fly in separation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created bodily reactions such as itching, and a heightened awareness within my body to anything that touches my body as I am suspicious and suspect that it might be a fly trying to bite me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself in this manner at some point - and that even if this program is not known to me previously because I experience myself as surprised about my voice and bodily reactions, I must apply myself to correct myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself - in the moment I see one of the flies unexpectedly -  in a possessed state where I believe I cannot stop even though one minute later I have stopped myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the onset of the possession as I feel it coming on by stopping the separation between myself and the fly and by realising that the fly is life just like me and that all other attributes e.g. the fly biting, the fly being a carrier for disease - is irrelevant and only used by my mind as forming opinions and beliefs about the fly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat about stopping my reactions where I believe that the reaction is too fast and because I am 'surprised' I am unable to stop myself from reacting. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself because I exhibit this type of automatic behaviour when I used to be the one who took care of insects that my mother could not deal with, and now I am standing in the same position as my mother. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label this type of behaviour as typical helpless female whereby I have labelled myself as tough and not being a typical helpless female and thus I experience myself internally conflicted between beliefs, as I see that I exhibit that which I have used to separate myself from other women. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider exist within me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, typical woman, within the memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, typical woman, through defining silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, typical woman within the memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider, in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, and typical woman are here as me equal and one in every breath. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to not be squeamish towards insects as I can see now when I react squeamishly therefore I can see that I have installed a program on top of another to better fit the label I have given myself as tough, independent female. 

I commit myself to end all fears and anxieties towards any animal big or small and see every animal within in the equality of life. 

I commit myself to stop my behaviour towards the fly and thus I stop all reactions whether the fly appears suddenly or not. 

I commit myself to stop labelling myself in any way and realise that this is how I allow my Self to exist in ego - therefore I realise that my ego must end.

I commit myself to stop labelling others in separation of myself and realise that all human behaviours are part of me as all others are here as me - and in that I utilise these behaviours to write self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to create an equal money system where all life is honoured equally and no life is sacrificed for ownership or money. 




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