Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 71, 2012 Family - part 5: the man who is my father is no different from any other man


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive my father as inaccessible in conversation because I know already how he will respond to me, the words he will use, and  how he will judge me in the course of the conversation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive my father as someone who does not want to engage in conversation and perceive him as not interested in me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge in a similar manner, as I do my father, all men who do not initiate conversation or I perceive as not interested in a communicative exchange. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive my father as uninteresting because I can predict his opinion and outlook and because I cannot explore with him a topic like a do with other people. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to demand from my father to treat me like a person and not like a child when I do not treat him like a person but “just” as my father - thus I consider myself superior to my father and not as an equal. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I have nothing to say to my father and that if I was not his daughter I would never know of the man.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because my father is not interested in what I have to say or what I do - thus I blame my father for not being interested in me when I am the one who is not interested in him. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge what I share with my father as entirely superficial and that I have no interest in divulging more information about my life to him, yet this superficial relationship makes me angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for my fears because I perceive him to be a fearful man and that he has raised me to be fearful - therefore I deny myself to take responsibility for my fears and change myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I am someone’s daughter that the person needs to have an interest in me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because my father has always provided me with the basic needs and has thus done his “duty” though he was not much around when I was a kid and I do not remember ever playing with him as a child. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never taken into consideration how he was programmed by his family and that blaming him for my programming is me not taking responsibility. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself annoyed by the way my father speaks because he uses a lot cliché phrases behind which he hides not to reveal his feelings or what he really thinks. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my father uses cliché phrases because he is afraid of him self - just like I do not like to reveal everything about myself and want to be in control. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of the moment when my father fell from being my “god” to being a mortal man with lots of weaknesses and short comings. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory when I realised that my father was not infallible but just another guy with lots of weaknesses and short comings. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fragility, anger, and disappointment within the memory of my father falling from the pedestal I put him on when I realised that he was just like any other guy with lots of weaknesses and short comings. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from fragility, anger and disappointment through defining fragility, anger and disappointment within the memory of my father falling from the pedestal I put him on when I realised that he was just like any other guy with lots of weaknesses and short comings. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that fragility, anger and disappointment are here in every moment equal to me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have run after my father’s approval all my life and the more he rejected me physically and emotionally, the more I wanted to prove myself to him.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have no clue who my father really is when I actually see through the pattern of behaviours, what type of emotions and feelings he is dealing with, as I share these emotions and feelings, and thus I see what he has allowed and accepted himself to become - as I see what I have allowed and accepted myself to become. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept that my father is an organic robot who is run by emotions and feelings - and that I expect him to be more than that because he is my father. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise what I don’t like about my father are the programs that run as him and thus I do not like the programs that run my life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my father's death and when I "think" of his death I generate feelings of  regret and fear of loss, and want to be in touch with him to confirm to myself that everything is ok and that he is still around. 
I realise that my father because he is my father is not anything else but another human with a mindconsciousness system who has, like me, the opportunity to stand up in this life to become one and equal.

I realise that my views of my father are based on anger because of years of suppression, where I have suppressed myself in the relationship with him, to keep the peace and not rock the boat.
I realise that whenever I tried to address my father I did so with anger and this is why I was never able to improve my relationship with him. 
I commit myself to work through all my anger in relation to my father and stop blame and  finger pointing, and take responsiblity for my emotions and my life independently of the man who has fathered me. 
I commit myself to work and complete my self-forgiveness practice and self-corrective application to stand as equal to my parents. 

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