Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day 65, 2012 The interview


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not the Leonardo Da Vinci type of researcher the lab director is looking for, and thus I fear that if I were to get the position I do not have the entire skill set that is expected of me to produce high-end research results that will satisfy the level of the lab and the professors’ expectation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my opportunities because I feel inadequate in my technical abilities, and thus I fear that the lab director may not be aware of my skill set, and so I feel compelled to let him know. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions about what the lab director is looking for and thus I will bank on my weaker areas, rather than focussing on what I can contribute to the position in skills that are not already covered by the professors and the other lab researchers. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have no clue what types of technical abilities the lab director is actually looking for but that I, out of self distrust, imagine the worst case scenario because then I can generate anxiety which will keep me mind-bound instead of breathing here and continue my enslavement - as I abdicate self-responsibility. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have physical manifested proof of what I have done, which he can look at and see to what extend my skill set matches with his expectation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel compelled to lay out my abilities, just to get it done and over with - though I believe that this will clear up things, when in reality it will sabotage my opportunities. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to adhere to programmed morality as a way to sabotage my opportunities and make myself feel better, and therefore avoid facing and changing myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to have a position that is beneath my abilities so that I do no feel challenged, in that I must not face my fears and change myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I were to have a position like this one I won’t have much time to do other things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I had similar fears during my studies and yet I managed to move beyond the fear and get the work done. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be gullible enough to believe what the professors say when I know that much of what is said is manipulation and deception because I know how academia operates. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that not telling the professor exactly what my abilities are is a form of lying. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father where he tells me that I must always tell the truth because when one lies once and is caught lying than he can never be trusted again, exist within me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my father telling me that I must always tell the truth because otherwise if I am caught lying only once I can never be trusted again. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define character, superiority, and integrity within the memory of my father telling me that I must always tell the truth because otherwise if I am caught lying only once I can never be trusted again. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from character, superiority and integrity through defining character, superiority, and integrity within the memory of my father telling me that I must always tell the truth because otherwise if I am caught lying only once I can never be trusted again, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the way the world works is through deception and manipulation and that “system honesty” is not the same as self-honesty - it is through self-honesty that I see who I am and stop what I have allowed and accepted myself to be in this world - and it is through system honesty that I continue to be a slave of this system who abdicates self-responsibility and therefore I am unable to change myself and thus change the system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that it is a matter of focus I place on myself, either highlighting my weaker areas or highlighting my stronger areas when I sell myself to other researchers. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can always learn materials that will strengthen my weaker areas  - that what I know and can do is not a static entity but is something that I can grow if I allow myself to expand in self-trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself on what my father called “having principles” when instead I have trapped myself within my preprogrammed life that will keep me from understanding who I really am, namely an organic robot.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the types of thoughts I have programmed myself with are typical middle class ways of thinking which will maintain the middle of the system, and thus keep all the other parts, the lower and the upper class in their places. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that all that is going on in academia that is believed to be knowledge is preprogrammed and made up - and that there is no hardcore of absolute truth/knowledge but it is matter of what is accepted by the system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that any justification for my thinking is a program and an excuse in how I remain trapped and avoid self-change. 

I commit myself to stop all self-manipulation and sabotage and reach for the highest position there is as this serves the process of becoming life and what is best for all, so that I place myself in a position where I can be a conduct for the coming changes towards an equal money system where education, research and science are redefined through the principle of equality and what is best for all.
I commit myself to learn what I need to learn through self-trust and breathing so that I can maintain such a position and be a leader within the transition towards equal money. 

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