Thursday, June 21, 2012

Day 59, 2012 What I want in the picture that I am - part 6: being more creative


I want to be more creative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my creativity because I believe it is not as important as the things that I believe I must do to move ahead in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father exist within me where I tell him that I am going to study art and he answers me with disapproval because he sees it as a useless activity where I cannot make any money. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my father where I tell him that I am going to study art and he answers me in disapproval that it’s a useless activity where I cannot make any money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define purpose, success, and earning money within the memory of my father where I tell him that I am going to study art and he answers me in disapproval and that it’s a useless activity where I cannot make any money. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from purpose, success and earning money through defining purpose, success and earning of money within a memory of my father where I tell him that I am going to study art and he answers me in disapproval that it’s a useless activity where I cannot make any money, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that going to art school was a way for me to deal with the suppression of my childhood creativity. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within me where I was a teenager in art class and I was admiring two girls, twins, for being so freely creative in painting and I recall that this is the first time where I realised that I experience myself as blocked and limited. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory when I was a teenager in art class and I was admiring two girls, twins, for being so freely creative in painting and I recall that this is the first time where I realised that I experience myself as blocked and limited. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define limitation, repression and effort within the memory of me as a teenager in art class where I was admiring two girls, twins, for being so freely creative in painting, and at the same time experiencing myself as blocked and limited. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from limitation, repression, effort within the memory of myself as teenager in art class where I was admiring two girls, twins, for being so freely creative in painting, and at the same time experiencing myself as blocked and limited through defining limitation, repression, and effort within the memory of myself as teenager in art class where I was admiring two girls, twins, for being so freely creative in painting, and at the same time experiencing myself as blocked and limited, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back being creative because I fear doing something wrong - thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to fear my creative output through my interactions with my music teacher when I learned to play the flute, who resembled my father in the way he silently disproved of how played the flute. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my music teacher exist within me where he disapproves of the quality of me playing the flute. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my music teacher where he disapproves of the quality of me playing the flute. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define competence and talent within the memory of my music teacher where he disapproves of the quality of me playing the flute.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from competence and talent within the memory of my music teacher where he disapproves of the quality of me playing the flute through defining competence and talent within the memory of my music teacher’s disapproval of my quality of flute playing, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dream of going back to drawing but to not allow myself to do so because I believe I can do more useful things with my time. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I often suppress myself when I want to be creative because there is a “voice” within me, in form of a program, that stops me from doing it - for a number of “good” reasons. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I pursued my studies of art because I experienced myself as being stifled creatively by my environment when I was a child and I tried to resolve it by believing that I needed more study.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother interrupting me when I was drawing or playing, and telling me to do a shore or to pay attention to her, when all I wanted to do was draw.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have installed a program within me that has replaced my mother who is giving "myself" all the excuse why there is never a good moment to be creative without purpose or utility. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have shown myself how I block myself by having acquired the materials needed to play with electronics and to make little e-toys, yet I make no time to actually make use of these materials, and keep telling myself that first other more important activities have to be resolved before I can allow myself to get started. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that “my” material world is the clue for my suppressions in what I accumulate ( besides the basic necessities of every day life) are materials for dream projects. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that the suppression of my creativity contributes to my nightly teeth grinding. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to implement "free" creativity within inappropriate contexts e.g my professional tasks, where this type of creativity is misplaced as this causes me to not stick to the rules "of the game" - whereby I do not realise that this free expression in from of free creativity enters into these types of tasks, because I do not allow myself to express myself creatively (without structure) in any other way.  

I commit myself to stop all suppressions in my life through breathing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action. 

I commit myself to uncover the links between fear and suppression - and set myself free by living entirely in the physical. 
I commit myself to stop all suppression of creativity within myself and become completely free in self-expression in every way. 

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