Sunday, June 17, 2012

Day 56, 2012 What I want in the picture that I am - part 4: looking good


I want nice clothes without having to dedicate time and effort to it. Basically, I want the clothes I imagine for myself, and I want someone to make them for me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that buying clothes is a tedious job which takes time and effort because I must look for sales to be able to afford the clothes I like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I don’t pay with money for inexpensive clothes I like, then I pay with the time it takes to find these clothes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am in conflict, on the one hand, for not wanting to spend the time and effort on finding the clothes I like, yet, on the other hand, I want to wear nice clothes. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must wear a certain genre of clothes because that fits best my position within society.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conform in my dressing of how I want others to perceive me rather than dressing myself as a way to express myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged my grandmother and other female relatives for dressing “their age”  and having beliefs on what colour or styles they can wear, as those are considered approved by society. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I do just like everyone else, I conform how I dress to the picture I have of myself in how it fits best with society. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I dress the way I really want to I would not be accepted by others and would disadvantage myself in important situations, where manipulating others gets me what I want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I use clothes and hair to create an image of myself which I use to navigate the world I live in. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly wish that we all would have to wear uniforms because then I would not have to deal with the clothes point at all. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that that is also something I like about SciFi movies, that clothes are often uniforms and are often made to be androgynous rather than emphasising what is understood as feminine and masculine ways of dressing.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my beliefs about clothes are showing me how I have limited myself in my perception as woman, because I perceive myself as having to accept and conform to the idea we have about women in society through the dress code. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy men because I believe that men are not as much judged by what they wear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that having to look good in clothes is part of the sexual attraction game we play in all our interactions. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the beliefs about clothes and looks, not realising that this is giving my power up, and instead of functioning from self-direction, I function through having adapted myself to what I perceive works best within the mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that success in the world has to do with how one dresses and presents one self. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have clothes for a long time, and keep them in good condition, because I programmed myself as a child to follow in my mother’s food steps who told me that she was proud that her things - such as clothes - last her a long time and are in excellent shape even after years of use. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have not done activities because I have perceived them as too destructive to my clothes, and that it was more important at the time to honor the belief: I must keep clothes in tact so that they last a long time - than to enjoy myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my grandmother teaching me how to walk in a skirt exist within me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother teaching me how to walk in a skirt. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define femininity, presentation of myself and acceptance within the memory of my grandmother teaching me how to walk in a skirt. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from femininity, presentation of myself and acceptance through defining femininity, presentation of myself and acceptance within a memory of my grandmother teaching me how to walk in a skirt. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the choosing of clothes to always be linked with money. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself differently depending on what clothes I wear. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have habituated myself to dress differently at home than when I go outside because I do not want to "use up" my “good” clothes at home - because this way I save money by saving my clothes. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one must not be too trendy or stylish because that is too much of a sign of shallowness, since the person has to spend a lot time to prepare herself, and thus cannot spend time on other things that are more important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that on one hand I advocate not spending much time on clothes and on obtaining the right wardrobe, yet I do not realise that I will spend the time it takes to find the things I like to wear for an affordable price.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others who are too trendy and made up as shallow and see myself as superior intellectually, and those who dress in an elegant, sophisticated and understated manner I see as interesting and  see myself as inferior because while I have the taste to pick out those types of clothes, I do not have the money to actually do it. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cater to my ego using clothes, by wanting to appear as sophisticated, elegant, sportive, and understated. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my ego in wanting to be special through the desire of a unique look with clothes. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use clothes in support of my self-value which I believe to be linked to my performance within society. 

I commit myself to stop my ego and all support mechanisms that keep my ego alive. 

I commit myself to stop creating a picture of myself through my wants and desires. 

I commit myself to stop dressing from the starting point of ego and mind and dress as expression of self within common sense. 

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