Friday, June 15, 2012

Day 55, 2012 What I want in the picture that I am - part 3: an interesting job


I want to have an interesting job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to have an interesting job is to find purpose in my life through my contributions to society, which means that I derive value from my ability to perform in an abusive system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this desire for an interesting job is the desire of someone who is privileged in this world, who has education and possibilities to make certain choices, while others are not in this position and are struggling to survive. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to desire an interesting job means that I need external validation for who I am. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that an interesting job is to confirm to myself that I have value because I lack self-trust - in trusting myself as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my definition of what is interesting has to do with the picture I have of myself which I want to enhance and maintain. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I had an interesting job I would still have more desires within this interesting job because I have the starting point of ego and not life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have accepted abuse in exchange for mental stimulation and that this is what drives me to participate in this society. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have energetic reactions of excitement when I talk about the things that interest me in a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have studied for 60% of my life, and thus I deserve to have an interesting job as reward for my participation within this system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I work hard on my qualifications than I am satisfied because this makes me a good member of society not realising that I am doing what is expected of me to keep the abuse of this system going the way it is.   
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others who, by my definition, do boring work, and judge those who are doing boring jobs as conformists not realising my own conformity with the system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my ambition has been misdirected in self-interest and that this is expressed in my desire in an interesting job instead of having the ambition to do what is best for all, by changing myself and creating a system that takes care of all living beings equally. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can have a job I like without identifying myself with what the job as the picture of me.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that it’s not about the job itself but what motivates me to want the job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an interesting job is all I need to be ok in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that in all highflying jobs I have worked in I have been incredibly busy, and thus the job was my leash and I paid with my life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don’t have an interesting job that the picture I have of myself falls apart. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the delusion I have lived in accepting the exchange of mental and physical labour for survival on earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order to have an interesting job I have to compete with the rest of the world who also wants the same interesting job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out the addiction of my ego through an interesting job I earn money with. 
I commit myself to stop creating a picture of myself with my wants and desires.
I commit myself to stop creating energetic charges through the pursuit of fulfillment of my wants and desires. 
I commit myself to stop using a job as the vehicle for the picture of myself and the charging of my ego. 

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