Thursday, June 14, 2012

Day 54, 2012 What I want in the picture that I am - part 2: gimme more practical skills


I want to know how to better do things practically so that I do not need anyone to help me invent stuff.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to have all the skills necessary for the things I envision I can make if I only had the skills.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I do not value my contribution in collaboration with others and believe that my contribution is of minder importance because it is conceptual and practical, but not to the extend that I can do it on my own.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I can do all the parts of what I want to do then my work isn’t good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that collaboration is difficult as it entails to find others who are wanting to collaborate, and this requires communication and social interaction which I see as investment - something I have to “work” for to get something back.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that most of my work is done in collaboration and that on one hand I enjoy collaboration, on the other I don’t want to be dependent on others because I believe I cannot be certain whether others are as committed to the project as I am. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that what is attached to any project that I consider “my project” is my ego, and that it is not about the collaborative process with others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to similarly be attached to the ideas that I have for projects for which I collaborate, rather than acknowledge that collaboration is a process, and that in this process one learns to listen and speak with others, which culminates in the manifested physical form. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle my own creativity by putting limitations on how and what ideas need to look like when they are manifested in physical form, not realising that no idea ever is translated into the physical, and that all ideas are emergent from the process of the physical because the mind, at this point, is divorced from the physical. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that one of the “problem areas” I see within this context is social interaction because I experience myself in separation of everyone else. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this separation has to do with judgement, jealousy, competition, and lack of self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to invent stuff is to do with manifesting my ego in physical form, so that I can stare back at myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am creating blockages to learning practical skills (e.g. electrical engineering) because I have the goal of wanting to invent stuff. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to "want to invent" stuff means that I want to be special and do things that I perceive others can't do, and thus I will get recognition. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is such a thing as invention in the preprogrammed system I am part of. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to be special is the root of self-interest and thus the destruction of the world around me is proof everyone is living in self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I identify with the stuff I can make and thus I value performance and not life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself because I place conditions on myself in what and how I do and what I want to create with what I do. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of winning and losing because "inventing" something for recognition is a form of winning. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to find self-value by "inventing" things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to play with things, rather than having a task to invent something, because I have programmed myself as a child that all I do must have a purpose that makes sense to my mind instead of just doing "something" for enjoyment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear enjoying myself because enjoyment is a free expression of self and serves no mental purpose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that learning tools is not the issue here but that the starting point is 
a program which determines my behaviour and participation in the world. 

I commit myself to stop the desire of wanting to learn more tools so that I can prove to myself that I can invent stuff from the point of self-interest and recognition.

I commit myself to engage learning new tools from the point of self-expression and equality.

I commit myself to stop the separation between myself and others and stop believing that collaboration with others is work and takes effort. 

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