Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 52, 2012 The devil is in the details


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not procrastinate because I finish my projects on time. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego when I say that I am organised and do not procrastinate in the things I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never wanted to investigate how I procrastinate because I have never thought of myself as a classical procrastinator.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that pro-crast-i-nation is that I procreate the nations of I's - the structure of programs that exist as me in this world, and together with all other Is, we form the structure of society in which all have their place of entrapment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise
that any thought I have at any time that tells me to do something later rather than in the moment, for some reason, a reason that could be as simple as saying that it is not convenient right now is a form of self-sabotage.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that that procrastination for me has to do with tasks that I do not experience as important but that have an accumulative effect on the way I work and function in my world. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that every time I actually did stop myself from executing thoughts “ahh, I do that later” I have reaped the benefit later on, yet I continue to believe thoughts like “ahh I do that later”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father come up where he took a picture of my messy room when I was a teenager as evidence for my sloppiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I subsequently, after my teenage years, became obsessed with "making order" - and thus I have since believed that I am an organised person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blamed my parents my struggle to learn to organise myself in form of devising systems of organisation because my parents have never shown me how they did it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that a system of organisation can only be maintained when there is no procrastination and that any system will fall apart when it is not maintained through actually doing ALL of the work. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I can set up effective systems for myself but “loose” it when it comes to maintaining the itty-bitty details because I see them as tedious and boring. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to not realise that the itty-bitty details are not much effort at all because they can be done dynamically - but that I have a resistance stemming from programs I have accepted in my childhood. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother nagging me about unnessary and impractical details because she considered them important, from a point of beauty, whereas I did not care about how “invisible’ details looked like. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have programmed myself from the point of what something looks like, not understanding that what something looks like - in terms of organisation - is emergent from a sound underlying structure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my mother’s concern with organisation was superficial because she was worried about what everything in her world looked like and this I have programmed myself not realising that structure is about maintenance and implementation and that beauty in this context is a belief and self-sabotage. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself, to easily misplace my focus and find contention in how something looks like rather than understanding whether or not the structure is sound. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when the structure is not maintained within my self-organisation then I become lazy in having to pick up the pieces. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have spelled out for myself in words in how I approach self-organisation and structure, to facilitate the function of my material world to become most effective in all I do.

I commit myself to see all parts of my world as one, and that self-organisation is one part within my world that I must give equal attention to effectively navigate the system I live in and to better support the birthing of life in the physical

I commit myself to stop all assumptions I make about "detail" work in any domain, and realise that without detail and specificity in common sense, there is no guidance towards the bigger picture of equality and what is best for all. 



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