Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 51, 2012 Self-directive means slowing down means?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move steadily throughout the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speed up or slow down depending on what I am thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get impatient and angry for not sticking to the "program" of breathing here and doing one thing at a time, within awareness of what it is that I am doing. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to investigate what slowing down really means. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be GROUNDED in the moment in which I enter into a task and thus speed up and slow down, depending on what thoughts arise in my mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to be grounded means that I can experience my body ALL THE WAY down to my feet but as it is, I experience myself as mostly in the head region. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that walking and standing means I can experience my feet touching the ground - and this is what is grounded in the moment. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I do not become consistent in how I move throughout the day I am more inclined to believe in my thoughts as ways to escape from my reality. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that these apparently “meaningless moments” where I am engaging in activities by either rushing through them or by "wasting" time, because I am not focussed, I open the door to resistance and I start to believe the anxiety I create within myself about not having enough time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I come from the starting point of "not having enough time" I then jeopardise every minute decisions I make because I will make them from the point of Self-interest, what is most important to ME, and not best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the key to my mind is through physical consistent movement, which I can achieve when I reference my Self to the task, rather than the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that “physically referencing myself” to my task at hand also means that I get comfortable within the physical space in which I exist, and thus I prepare the space to be comfortable. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep getting stuck on this point, and then experiencing frustration because I believe that I am not applying myself 100%.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bored with this point and impatient about it and thus I do not look deeply into the underlying thoughts of self-sabotage. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am often uncomfortable and not considering that I am actually in need of certain “comfort” level, I do not give considerations of comfort any importance because this means I have to self-direct change and my mental default is to avoid change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that ANY consideration in respect to how long something takes is not valid because it will always be a scapegoat for me to get into my mind and operate per automata. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that self-support is not only writing and speaking self-forgiveness but also physical comfort. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother criticising my way of doing things and therefore I have suppressed anger about this point. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father taking things out of my hand because he did not see my way of doing things as effective and thus I have programmed myself with frustration about how do things because I am so concerned with FINISHING them off - to get to the point of satisfaction, and therefore I do not care about the process itself, and who I am in during the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being able to finish my projects is a freedom from the control of my parents. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to finishing my projects because of the frustration and anger I experienced as a child when my father would take things out of my hand while I was in the middle of it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have excused my parents for "meaning well" when they constantly disrupted my process of doing things and taking things from me because they judged my way of doing things as unacceptable and showed me better and more rightful solutions by doing it themselves - and thus I learned to suppress my anger because I wanted to keep the peace. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this society is in reverse by advocating "outcomes" as the most important aspect of what we do, when in reality who we are in what we do is the key to self-realisation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that "the way we do things" is of interest to me academically (cognition) - because among other things it is an"issues" of wanting to do things my way since it is a sign of my adulthood because I finally no longer have my parents interrupt and judge what I do. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have considered that it is the little things as a child that have led to the big programs that I am walking myself out of today. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am still leading my life from the point of defiance towards my mother by allowing these programs to run the way I conduct myself within each task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I rush through a task that I create an energetic charge through anxiety and not breathing and that this builds up the need for the charge to be released thereafter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that slowing myself down really means being consistent in how I move throughout the day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I do not prepare myself to be comfortable within the setup of a task that I will accept diversions more easily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make “slowing myself down” as in moving consistently throughout the day, my primary objective within my process at this time, when I know that first I have to become self-directive  24/7 to walk out of my conscious mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind and not aware of where I am in the task that I am doing at the moment, because I am too focussed on the "schedule of the day" rather than being here in the moment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I can pick up a task where I left it of when I got interrupted that this is an indicator that I was not in my mind, and that if I am unable and have to "find my thread" to get back on track then I have previously been working from mind control. 
I commit myself to live my understanding of slowing down by consistently breathing and moving in real-space in real-time and to acknowledge that there is an un-real mind-space without reacting to it, and seeing it as an equal cooperative link to walking my process. 
I commit myself to stand up to my resistance of wanting to engage in automated movements and diversion tactics - and within that I realise that I must consistently clear myself and expose the thoughts to assist myself in becoming self-directive 24/7.

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