Sunday, June 10, 2012

Day 49, 2012 The decision of who I am - part II

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the desire to live a little, unnoticed life and do things for myself which allow me to learn and be self-indulgent. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my quiet little life is disturbed by the decision I made of who I am and therefore I do not realise that the backchat I allow about being ambitious and "wanting to be in the position of influence" is my ego trying tell me that my choice has no moral value. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have made the decision of who I am and what I am going to do with my life yet when asked by Anu, I momentarily falter, still reacting with lack of self-trust about my decision. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to believe that I can be secure when I don't expose myself too much to the world. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to hold back and have given myself many justifications why holding back will lead to the right choice not realising that holding back leads to no choice. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have programmed myself in this way as a response to my father's warnings to be careful because of his judgement of me as being too impulsive for my own good. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that careful behaviour when it is not based on common sense is always about fear and separation. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have created a dynamic between rebellious and careful behaviour which in both cases produces self-sabotage with the result of holding back and keeping me in stagnation. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that one aspect of this dynamic, the rebellious one, blinds me with the idea of free choice, where I can decide to re-act and engage spontaneously with the system - believing that the outcome is in my benefit although I know that the system is only beneficial when one adheres to its rules- therefore not realising that free choice through rebellious behaviour is a delusion.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my careful behaviour, as part of the other end of the polarising dynamic, where through "care" I remain in the observer position who does not want to take self-responsibility but is satisfied with holding back and commenting on the world around me through self-rightgeous judgement. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to oscillate between this two-poled dynamic not realising that staying here in breath and doing what needs to be done in every moment stops ego and backchat. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my decision of who I am implicates my ego, because I do not trust myself that I can deal with my ego as aspects of it emerge, and that this is not related to the decision I have made but the general role of the ego to keep me enslaved and trapped. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have had dreams of being influential in the world but that I was content enough let it be a dream because in reality it was too much work to get there and would have disrupted my life.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see in myself what I have judged in my father as negative/bad/wrong, when all he wanted to be was happy with his little life, and he justified not engaging his potential of expressing himself in the world because there was no necessity for it. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that being content and complacent is not wanting to deal with resistance, and not wanting to take responsibility for one's life as part of humanity. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that learning and studying is a preparatory stage in one's life after which one goes out and applies what has been learned - yet I used studies to stay stuck within preparation so that I did not need to face myself by having to do something with my life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my enjoyment within study is a way to escape myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to fear consequences because as I child I was taught that consequences are always bad/wrong/negative.


I commit myself to embrace resistance and stop postponement. 


I commit myself to walk the decision of who I am with in the clarity of what is best for all and stop myself from allowing interferences of the mind to direct me. 


I commit myself to identify and push myself in all areas of rebellious and careful behaviour to expose my programming so that I can walk the process of equalising myself within these parts of me. 







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