Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Day 44, 2012 My "rebel" actions are based on anxiety


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that  I can do things my own way and get my own way with the system instead of applying myself in the way the system instructs me to do, or in how I can observe, in honesty, the system to function. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I was a child, believe that I can get “away” with things, where I jeopardise my position within the system/matrix I exist in by not being compliant and by ignoring what I am asked to do in every way. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special enough that I  can “jump the hurdles” of the system and still get my way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so oblivious to this attitude that I have set up traps for myself and fall into them when I am asked to be compliant in giving information, or to be accurate in how and what I am communicating so that in the end I create a loss for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to “go against” the system when I am in the position where I must be compliant in some manner, where I must following steps to the “T”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t always know the ways of the system when there is always a way to find out more, and to stand equal to the information I have, or just by just using common sense. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have misplaced my willful behaviour by willing myself “against” the system, the politics of the system, the rules and regulations of the system - instead of using my will and the strength of my will to change myself and stand as equal to all aspects of the system I live in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have followed my mother as role model in how I have programmed myself of not being compliant with the details the system requests of me, when I want or need to interact with it. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that I am not "stronger" than the system and that “doing my own thing” within the system I have accepted and allowed to exist in is enslavement. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted 'attitudes' that describe an active resistance against “something” where I create superiority within myself to make me feel better. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am the system and that by “going against the grain” of the system, I go against myself 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the system that is me, instead of stopping all reactions and remaining here when I am facing the details of the system with which I must deal with. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see all aspects of my interactions with the system as equally important but to pick out the aspects that I either think are important, or that I like to engage in, while not realising that by creating my own priorities I create miscommunication and misunderstandings for myself and others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can always find other ways “around the way of the system” that will allow me to get to the same place, as if I had been engaging according to the system’s requirements. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that engaging with the system according to how the system is specified is a waste of my time. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient when working/engaging with the system and thus I am revealing to myself that I am impatient with my Self and everyone else. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a hurry to get “somewhere” because I identify myself with what I have become in terms of the standing/status/position within society.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in the process regarding my position within society because I compare myself to others who are already in their positions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore that I live in time and that whatever happens in time is me and that I am the creator of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself and to hide behind this fear through the things I do within the context of society.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that through not facing myself I judge myself on the basis of the things I do and expect of myself to do, to create a picture of who I am in this world. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this picture that I am is what I judge in relation to everything else and, this is why I experience anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not standing equal to myself and thus stand equal to nothing in this world.
I commit myself to stop responding and engaging with the system in my own ways but in the ways of the system, and in that I realise that self-will is who I am when I am responding and engaging with the system. 
I commit myself to face who I am stripped of attributes and labels and by facing myself I free myself from the anxiety I have created in the pursuit of a picture. 
I commit myself to steadily work towards my position within the system but not from the starting point of denial or anxiety but from the starting point of what is best for all and if I stray from this starting point I remind myself and bring myself back to it. 
I commit myself to stop all self-judgement, peu à peu, as I discover the programs I have accepted to undermine myself and thus give reign to self-judgement. 

I commit myself to become an equal to all that is here and to recognise the system as 100% my responsibility. 

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