Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 4, 2012 Seeing impatience programming through the interaction with another


I was having a conversation with X about something in my professional life that required me to make a decision. I was having difficulty deciding on the best way forward. A matter that I see as important for me and for us in determining some future aspects of my/our life.  The conversation came about in an ad hoc manner. I approached X while he was sitting at this desk. He did not seem engrossed in some task, and thus I spoke with him. I stated my 'problem' and he gave me a brief answer, then, immediately returned to looking at his computer screen. 

I felt that the answer he gave me was insufficient and superficial. I became angry. From my perspective, I lumped his behaviour with another program we are currently walking. This program has to do with X not wanting to listen, or listening in a haphazard manner. Normally, when I experience him not listening to me, I repeat my question and point out which aspects of his answer have overlooked aspects of the question. 
In this conversation I did not consider his answer in any depth, I got angry. I responded to him that I prefer that he tells me when he does not want to talk to me instead of participating marginally. My anger did not last very long but the fact that I got angry was surprising. In the recent weeks, we have had several chats about these (not listening)  points and X has stated that he is aware of this automated mechanism. He has done self-forgiveness and has been walking the self-correction for a while. I realise that the reason for my anger was rooted in the dishonesty of impatience towards myself and this situation was bringing out a particular aspect of my impatience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that X not listening to me is X’s problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I ask X whether he has time to talk or not, and if he says yes, then he must fulfill my expectation of a proper answer. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I have an important matter to discuss that X has to discuss it from the same starting point. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge X’s answer as useless and superficial.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at X when I am angry at myself because I believe that if I need a perspective on my own professional matters is a weakness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being dependent on another’s perspective on one of my personal matters is bad/wrong/negative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless about handling a decision in professional matters.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient with Self and to not trust that I will figure out the best strategy for the matter at hand. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making the wrong/negative/bad decision because I have not had someone else’ perspective on the matter. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have control over the course of my conversation with X
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have considered my starting point before speaking with X.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have checked my starting point when I got ‘apparently’ stuck in giving my Self alternative perspectives on the matter. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impatient with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not see that my impatience comes from wanting to have quick results, and from this starting point I create frustration. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I feel frustrated about something important I can seek the help from someone else and thus place the responsibility for making progress on the matter onto that person. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing that when I react with impatience to anything I block myself in finding solutions, and will, one way or another, abdicate responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions about X not having answered my question with care because I respond to the picture of his behaviour, which was to immediately turn away from the conversation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the picture of X’s behaviour, as trigger point for my anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I am patient in some ways, I am patient in all ways. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame X for my experience, frustration born from impatience. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have been impatient with my Self which has caused frustration and has led me find external resources that could help fix the perceived problem instead of me first turning inside and dealing with the frustration. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient with myself, and thus activate the program from my childhood where I had to cope with my mother’s impatience, and instead of taking responsibility for this programming I repeat in situations with X. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still blame my mother for the damage I had done to myself.
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From the perspective of my mother:

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself as the manifestation of a mother who is impatient with her daughter
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognise the pattern of impatience and how it played out in family life, but have operated from the belief that this is how one has to exist in this life.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have imposed my belief on my daughter 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that rushing and moving in haste is a way to control my life and that of others, to push them to do more in less time. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that controlling my daughter’s movement gave meaning to my life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have existed in fear all of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself and my family because I function from the starting point of fear. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed reflection on my behavioural pattern because that would have made me recognise the character of abuse and thus the need for change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.
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Self-corrective application:

I realise that there is no self-realisation without patience. 
I realise that through patience I can perfect my process of walking Self out of the mindconsciousness system and into the physical. 
I recognise through patience and perfection I recreate myself from the physical.

I understand that patience or impatience is not a general 'trade' but a program with a thought patterns that can surface in seemingly insignificant situations. What this situation has shown me is that I was absorbed in an emotional state of frustration which then led to anger and blame.

Subtle emotions/feelings are just as valid as gross emotions/feelings. I stop them all through breathing here. I stop all impatience and keep moving breathe by breathe. Whenever I reach the point of frustration again, I do not engage in automatic behaviour, instead I stop all activities that have induced the frustration and breathe. Then, I will myself into here-ness only and I will recognise this when I am relieved of any physical symptoms that are the marker of frustration. However, if I am unable to resume without feelings I stop all activity related to the matter and do something else, I only proceed when I am entirely clear. 

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