Sunday, April 29, 2012

Day 13, 2012 Why do I have to play caretaker? I don’t want to live in your mess!


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat because of how I experience myself in shared living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the one who must take care of things around the house because my housemates are men.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted the belief that men have no initiative around the house, and that, even if I mention it repeatedly, this will not change things, and thus I am better off just doing it myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I have to initiate all basic things that have to be done around the house, while my housemates rely on me doing so. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration with the situation of shared living because I do not know how to effectively communicate to the others that I no longer accept being the one who is ‘in charge’ of the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because I do not want to spent my time explaining why everyone has to support the household equally, by taking self-initiative, without me having to do it or to prompt the others to do so. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live by myself again because I can rely on my participation on keeping things in a ‘livable’ condition - by doing the basic chores in convenient moments, so that I keep household maintenance to a minimum and do not spend much time on it. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I am living by myself I am in control of my environment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I do not know how to approach my housemates, to communicate effectively, that leading a household in a shared environment requires everyone to participate through self-initiative -  beyond the basic tasks - as there are many little tasks that go unseen but will accumulate and then require more time as when they are taken care of continuously with some effort here and there. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my housemates cannot see what needs to be done to maintain the house on a very basic level, and have accepted this as excuse for me having to do it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because I believe that my housemates act as if they are exempt from the household when they are not always here. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to cause conflict and therefore do not speak up about my experience within this situation because when I have spoken up in the past it caused reactions between us. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resentment because I have to accept living at a standard that I find unacceptable, and because I have years of optimising my household skills which I developed when living alone, because I simply did not want to have to deal with spending more time than absolutely necessary on these tasks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I observe my housemates’ living style, as if they are ‘living’ at home with the their mothers, and because I do not speak up, I have accepted the place of the mother who takes care of the living environment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I speak up my housemates will react with rejection and withdraw rather than seeking a solution that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that my housemates will react with rejection, when I fear rejection because I change and no longer accept to be the caretaker of the house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience being trapped, because on the one hand I do not feel comfortable in an unmaintained house, and on the other hand I do not want to be the one who has to do the bulk of the work. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up because when I spoke up in the past, I experienced the men as ganging up on me, and devaluing my concerns through superiority speak, and I experienced myself as helpless and undermined. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because I believe that my housemates live in separation towards ‘ALL that concerns the house’  - instead of seeing that this separation is self-interest, and is exactly what we are living in the world today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by fear and by doing so have created resentment of the situation instead of facing my fear and finding a way to communicate this situation to my housemates. 
I realise that regardless of fearing my housemates reactions I must push myself to communicate the situation until there is a lasting change. 
I realise that before I speak to my housemates I must be standing free of any emotional charge so that I can come to the table from the starting point of what is best for all.
I realise that men and women have been raised with these patterns and that blaming either party is to not take self-responsibility to stop and change all patterns related to gender roles. 
I commit myself to communicating with my housemates about the established patterns of men and women in shared living, and to do do what it takes to release the pattern by taking responsibility - to create a shared living where all are equal participants based on shared living rather than 'individual usage'.


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