Friday, December 28, 2012

Day 229, 2012 Civic pride, or how to conduct myself in shared public or semi-public spaces 5

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Commitment statements for the Backchat and Reaction Dimension

If and when I have backchat about the neighbours and the owner of the house about their carelessness regarding the common space, I stop and breathe, I realise that I can stop myself from backchatting and making constructive suggestion about the problem. I commit myself to look for a solution that I can communicate to my neighbours and landlord and stop all backchat on this point.

If and when I have backchat about the way the trash collection is handled in the city, I stop and breathe, and realise that I am not informed about the details of the trash collection, and that I can inquire and make suggestions for a change. However, in first place, it's about me taking responsibility for my backchat and either invest myself to find out more/make suggestion or leave the topic alone and stop any and all self-righteous behaviour on this point.

If and when I have backchat about society being disposable, I stop myself and breathe - I realise I am the society that I am blaming. I look at my behaviour in the first place and look at what I need to change to stop that which I point fingers to. I commit myself to investigate my "disposable behaviour" towards the environment and the excuses I make for doing so.

If and when I have backchat about people only caring about stuff they own I first stop my backchat and breathe, and in the second instance I investigate my relationship to the things I own and the things I don't own - I commit myself to stop all neglect in relation to the differentiation between the things I own and things I don't and within that I learn to treat things equally no matter who owns them.

If and when I have backchat about there being nowhere to go, where I can identify myself with the level of civic pride I wish to experience regarding the environment and infrastructure, I stop myself and breathe and realise that walking this process towards an equal money system is exactly what is needed to create an environment that is best for all. I commit myself to the creation of an equal money system.

If and when I have backchat about humans spending too much time in the virtual world and not enough time in the physical world, I bring this point back to self and start to better balance the two worlds - I stop all backchat and breathe. I commit myself to honour both worlds equally.

If and when I have backchat about humans caring about society only if it's for profit I look at my own life and realise where I am motivated by reward or compensation and do not apply myself out of principle. I commit myself to stop my backchat and breathe.

Reaction

If and when I feel compelled to act make a situation "right" e.g. picking up bottles, I stop myself and breathe and assess the situation from the starting point of what is best for all. I commit myself to stop cleaning up after others as automated behaviour.

If and when I react in anger to another's trash/carelessness infringe on my living space, I stop and breathe and look at the solution in common sense. I commit myself to stop all anger and do what needs to be done to create a situation that is best for all, including myself.

If and when I suppress myself I stop and breathe and focus on presenting a solution to the problem. I commit myself to stop all fear and act in common sense.

If and when I react from a place of self-righteousness I stop and breathe. I realise that this is feeding my ego which I am committing myself to stop. 
[Continue reading...]

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Day 228, 2012 Civic pride, or how to conduct myself in shared public or semi-public spaces 4

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I continue on this topic which I started on day 225. Here comes the backchat and reaction dimension.


 Backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my neighbours and the owners of the house because I perceive them as not caring about the environment, or even taking their responsibility as citizens seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about how the city takes care of everyone's trash and that this is badly organised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about us having created the "disposable" society where plastic packaging reigns our daily life and useless trinkets that are made in china fill up the lands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about people not caring what their city looks like because it's all about ownership and only when one owns any 'thing' then it has importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about there being nowhere where I can identify myself with the surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the hailing of our virtual world and the neglect of our physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about us decorating the environment for special occasions such christmas as long as money can be made.



Reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by wanting to straighten out the situation through applying myself towards a cleaner environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by getting angry towards others who do not act in a similar manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when other's trash infringes on my living space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by suppressing myself instead of gentle speak up how to improve the conditions of my surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by "doing it myself" in the belief that it will improve the situation.


Next up self-commitment statements 
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Day 227, 2012 Civic pride, or how to conduct myself in shared public or semi-public spaces 3

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Here comes the thought and imagination dimensions in relations to the situation that was detailed on day 225.

Thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of being inundated by objects, things and trash and can't get away from it. 

If and when I get overwhelmed by stuff in the world, I stop and bring myself here, I realise that this fear is tied to my survival in the world which is dependent on having the necessary objects that ensure me being fed, clothed, and having shelter. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of objects, things, and trash being more than me.

If and when I have this thought, I stop and breathe, and realise that I can stop consumption and change myself so that I become one and equal to all that is living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of not needing any object, tool, or thing, and suddenly being free from all the "needs" to have stuff.

If and when I want to be free, I realise that freedom is when the world is best for all and no living creature exists outside of equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought about how cumbersome it is to move around in this world because we always need to lug stuff around with us. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of stress when dealing with "getting objects" essentially "shopping" for stuff that I need for some task.

If and when I fear moving again or am in the need to get stuff, I stop and realise that I can change the manner in how I move around in the world, and within that can stop any stress behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought about the amount of plastic wrapping circulates in the world and that some day the reality of it will hit us all equally. 

If and when I wish for people to wake up from the abuse on earth, I realise that I am the one who has to wake up and take responsibility to change the world by changing myself - I realise that this change must be a fundamental change of stopping my mind and is not about stopping to participate with the use of plastic.

Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day the world will be completely dense with stuff and people and that living on planet earth will be unbearable. 

If and when I predict doomsday  I realise that this is my fear of not changing myself. I stop and breathe and bring myself here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that someday we dump all ownership and truly share stuff that is needed.

If and when I wish for the system to change I realise that I must apply myself steadily to change myself. I stop and breathe and bring myself here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an imagination of an object or tool duplicating infinitely - just as we are doing already with the over production of products that are found in every household. 

If and when I start to contemplate the reality of our world, I realise that I am trying to grasp this reality from a negative polarisation - a mental state - which I do so to justify my separation from it. I stop and breathe and bring myself here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that life would be better in a world where we make things from perishable materials.

If and when I wish for objects in the world to disappear I realise that I want my fears to disappear. I stop and breathe and bring myself here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that we take pride in sharing and maintaining what we share always to the highest standard.

If and when I wish that all people were orderly like me, I stop and breathe and realise that it's my fear of not being in control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that once we are free of feelings and emotions all stuff, objects and things that are kept for memory sake - will be gone. 

If and when I wish to be free from attachment to stuff I realise that I can look at my attachment in self-honesty and let it go. I breathe and bring myself here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I can finalise how much stuff I have to put up with in my world. 

If and when want to be done with collecting and maintaining my stuff, I realise that I fear not having time for things that I like to do - because I do not accept that objects, things and stuff are always part of life on earth - I stop and breathe and accept this fact without emotional charge. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 226, 2012 Civic pride, or how to conduct myself in shared public or semi-public spaces 2

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This post continues on the fear dimension from the previous post - here I am presenting the self-commitment statements.

If and when I believe that I am responsible for other’s trash and no one will clean up if I don’t, I realise that I am perpetuating beliefs from my mother and I enact them to make myself feel useful.
I stop and breathe and focus on my true responsibility in changing myself to an equal through self-honesty and breathing.

If and when I see that it is necessary to mention to the owner a condition related to the house, e.g. the hallway, I do so when I have the opportunity without making it a big deal, I basically just state what is already obvious. I realise that I need to convey the information in the most appropriate manner to avoid misconceptions.

If and when I go onto automatic pilot and clean up I stop myself and realise that I accept this as a belief. I realise that I can stop and breathe and observe myself and my reactions, so that I can go deeper into understanding what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

If and when I fear that I am turning into everyone’s mom, I realise that I have defined “mom behaviour” as someone who cleans up after others. I stop myself cleaning up after my neighbours but rather come up with an idea to fix this problem, and suggest it to the neighbours.

If and when I fear that I am a control freak because I pick up trash in the street, I stop picking up trash and observe what happens. I breathe and stand equal to the trash.

If and when I fear that I just want the picture that I see to be pleasing, I stop and breathe and I investigate what it is that I am in denial about when I see trash.

If and when I fear behaving in a stereotypical manner, I stop myself and breathe and look at the practicality of what I do and assess the situation from the starting point of equality and oneness. I stop all fears and breathe.

If and when I limit myself in how I live my life because I do not want to deal with the physical reality, I stop and breathe and investigate what I am in denial about regarding the point of accumulation.

If and when I worry about having too much stuff I realise it’s all about me not liking to clean or maintain stuff. I breathe and investigate the beliefs I have as to why I don’t like cleaning/maintaining.

If and when I believe that making order takes too much time I stop and breathe and look at how I effective I am in my time management.

If and when I fear that I am self-righteous about picking up other people’s trash, I realise that this is a matter of starting point - I look at my starting point in self-honesty, and stand one and equal to the act. 
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Day 225, 2012 Civic pride, or how to conduct myself in shared public or semi-public spaces 1

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I have mostly made the assumption that I need to extend my sense of order, or cleanliness, beyond my apartment into the shared hallways of the house I live in, as well as the immediate surroundings of the house just beyond the entrance. I recall my parents once telling me earnestly that in Germany there is a law that when it snows, the side walk that covers the width of the house must be cleared of snow, and if it's not then in case of an accident, a lawsuit can be filed and won by that person.

Besides this sort of undirected understanding of where my civic duties lie, I also understood from my upbringing that I can take civic pride in making sure that the environment is considered and taken care of. For me this has often translated to picking up bottles in forested streets which were left behind by some party animals, or just randomly picking up wrappers that others have dropped and that landed in my way. It's the kind of attitude that I have to do what I can, when it just so happens.

I noticed though in a specific situation, having to do with the hallway of the house I have recently moved to, I had built up some backchat: There has been a missing concierge because the owners of the house are too cheap to have someone take care of the shared space, such as the hallway. This is clearly not in their favour because two of the four flats have been vacant - in a city where there seems to be no shortage of flats. When I reacted to a gesture by someone showing the apartments to potential renters and trying to hide this fact by stuffing the mail from previous renters onto the rack of my cycle, I realised that I have never dealt with this point in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't clean up other's trash then no one will do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up to the owner of the house and suggesting to him that not having someone take care of the hallway is backfiring in attracting longterm renters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing how much I should care about the environment - and that I have programmed myself to automatically clean up because I am female.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am turning into everybody's mom because I am the one who just cleans up when no one else does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am a control freak when I pickup trash in the street.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am just catering to my aesthetic sense when I pick up other people's trash because I prefer the picture I see without trash.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this sense of civic pride is a typical cultural attribute that I have programmed myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of a belief come up where I 'think' that my life is better when I don't accumulate too many things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that having too many belongings will entail even more cleaning up, maintaining, and moving stuff around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making order takes too much time away from other activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that picking up other people's trash is a self-righteous act.

Next up are self-commitment statements.
[Continue reading...]

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Day 224, 2012 Bacteria/Viruses_cold_illness_sick 3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to bacteria and viruses with disgust.

If and when I fear bacteria I bring myself here and breathe. I realise that my body could not exist without bacteria. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that bacteria are elements of life and that I am equal to all bacteria.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to humans who show signs of infections by immediately distancing myself, where I don’t even want to look at the sick human’s body and the ‘unsightly’ picture he/she displays.

If and when I react to someone who displays a wounded, broken or otherwise  damaged body I realise that this is my reaction towards mortality, where I fear losing my body from the starting point of the mind. I commit myself to stop my mind so that I stop all separation between myself and other bodies and stop the separation between life and death.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my parents prohibiting me to participate at my grandmother’s funeral because she was going to be displayed in an open coffin and my parents didn’t want me to see such a sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of my parents prohibiting me to take part in my grandmothers funeral because she was going to be displayed in an open coffin and my parents didn’t want me to see such a sight.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define anger, control, exclusion and guardian - within the memory of my parents prohibiting me to take part in my grandmothers funeral because she was going to be displayed in an open coffin and my parents did not want me to see such a sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anger, control, exclusion, and guardian through defining anger, control, exclusion and guardian within the memory of my parents prohibiting me to take part in my grandmothers funeral because she was going to be displayed in an open coffin and my parents did not want me to see such a sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that anger, control, exclusion, and guardian are here as me equal and one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a diseased body with negative emotions, as if I am in danger because I potentially end up like the other person.

If and when I react emotionally to someone who is visibly ill, I realise that I am judging the picture I perceive and that this clashes with the picture I have of myself. I realise that the picture of perfect health is a belief: the body merely is the vehicle to fulfill my desires. I commit myself to stop all emotions connected to the various degrees of bodily health and see, realise and understand that anyone's body equals life - I stop making my body more than life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a diseased body as if death was near.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that death is always here with me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to the process of decomposition.

I see, realise and understand that the cycle of nature is growing and dying that neither aspect needs to be judged and evaluated in polarisation. I commit myself to stop looking at growth in positive polarisation and death (decomposition) in negative polarisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively when any part/organ/substance of the body that is normally inside the body is exposed to the outside.

If and when I react to seeing what is inside the body I realise that this is based on childhood memories and I work through them breath-by-breath. I commit myself to release all childhood memories. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that when the body reveals part of the inside in form of organs, blood, or disease then I need to react within negative polarisation and when the body is intact, whole and healthy I need to react in positive polarisation.

If and when I react to the state of body in polarisation, I simply stop myself - I breathe and bring myself here and see, realise and understand that all judgement and perception is through the mind - which I can stop in one moment. 


[Continue reading...]

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Day 223, 2012 Bacteria/Viruses_cold_illness_sick 2

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 In this post I continue walking the point that I started on day 220.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I talk to myself about how unjust it is that some people get more often sick than others.

If and when I want to compare myself to others, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop all competitive thoughts and focus solely on ME, my breath - I stop the voices in my head.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deal with my resistances in backchat and look to give into my resistance by abusing my body through illness.

If and when I believe that getting sick is convenient I realise that I am believing my backchat. I realise that I am looking for a convenient way out of the situation and illness is accepted and debilitating, and people feel sorry for the person who suffers. I commit myself to stop using people’s pity to stay within my limitations and avoid confronting my resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory about being very sick as a teenager and one of my teachers telling me that I might be very sick but I don’t look it, exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of me being very sick and still making my way to class when the teacher tells me that I am not looking sick enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto disguise, the need for make-up, and manipulation within the memory of my teacher telling me that I don’t look sick enough even though I was very sick and told to stay at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from disguise, the need for make-up, and manipulation by defining disguise, the need for make-up and manipulation within the memory of my teacher telling me that I don’t look sick enough even though I was very sick and told to stay at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that disguise, the need for make-up and manipulation are here with me equal and one in every breath.

If and when a memory from my childhood comes up I release it by looking at it in self-honesty. I commit myself to walk each memory breath-by-breath and align myself as equal to all that is here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my mother making health such a big deal and her control over me regarding food and drink.

If and when I realise that my mother’s words and behaviour bug me I take it back to self and realise that whatever creates reactions within me, exists in separation of me. I commit myself to do the work and release all separation, and within that I utlilise my reactions towards my parents to uncover how I have programmed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised the benefit of preempting illness, in every way.

If and when I expose myself to illness or by not acting in common sense to prevent illness, I stop and realise that I am sabotaging myself. I commit myself to understand and walk this point of illness and how it relates to my life (programs) in absolute detail, so that I stop abusing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat in which I accept that the world is a hostile place and that beyond the human, bacteria and viruses are equally not to be trusted.

If and when I believe that the world is hostile, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am the world and that this belief is the ultimate belief of separation. I commit myself to change myself to the point where there is nothingness, no mind that I accept to rule my life and become equal and one to all that is here.  
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Day 222, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 7

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This is the last post in this series that started on day 215. Here I am finalising this series with the physical dimension and the consquences. While writing these posts (Days 215, 216, 217, 218, 219, 221) I realised the true nature of my 'program' that has determined the situation: it was not as simplistic as I had initially stated in the opening post. I realised that the main cause for the situation to unfold as it did was my reluctance to create a starting point of responsibility. I was looking for a way out through another entity, who would take care of me. (in this case the group of researchers I was talking to) As the situation unfolded it began to drag on and nothing was evolving or becoming clearer. If anything, what evolved was convoluted and I was making increasingly adjustments to better fit the situation. Within that I let backchat direct me. Now that I have clarity on this point. I will direct myself and bring this situation to closure - in real life, as in this series of posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create faces of disappointment where the corner of my lips hang down, and wrinkles form on my forehead.

If and when I create physical reactions I make myself aware how I have automated my body to respond to my emotions/feelings. I commit myself to see, realise and understand how I move my body and thus learn to move myself from within awareness of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create tightness in my intestinal area.

If and when I create tightness in my solar plexus area I realise that I am suppressing myself, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop suppressing myself and preempt these physical symptoms by facing myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel queasy in my stomach area.

If and when I feel queasy in my stomach area I realise that I am abusing myself and that there is no escape from the physical consequences. I commit myself to stop myself in my tracks when a situation starts to unfold with all the signs that my participation is based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in a 'beaten' body posture, slumped over with arms passively dangling next to my torso.

If and when I take on the 'beaten' body posture, I realise that this is the result of me using self-pity against myself. I commit myself to stop self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no longer be in awareness but to listen to my backchat.

I commit myself to simply stop backchat and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence of me not wanting to take responsibility has created this situation.

If and when I am facing myself in this situation again as I do, I stop myself from recreating the same situation by stopping all surrounding fears because I have clearly seen that it is because of fear i start this chain of events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself through the consequences of not standing up, and facing my fears but instead let myself be directed by them.

I realise that consequences are avoidable. I maintain my daily application of breathing and commit myself to apply myself in creating a life of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences from holding onto hope, and thus wasting my time instead of pursuing other leads.

I commit myself to clean up any situation right away and no longer 'wait to see what happens'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a stagnant place for myself where I can linger in frustration and self-pity which I created in consequence of my behaviour.

I commit myself to write myself out until I see the point of self-pity so that I can stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in how I interact with others because I fear loss and thus have created the consequences of confusion and uncertainty.

I commit to create clarity in my life by facing my fears.  
[Continue reading...]

Day 221, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 6

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This post is a continuation of what I wrote on day 219. For context of this situation day 215 outlines the basic premise. Here I am detailing the reaction dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situation by not being able to respond in a fluid manner but instead experience an inner stumbling evoked by my emotional state, where I end up looking for words to speak.

If and when I have put myself in a situation where I cannot clearly state why I am there and what I want, I realise that I create confusion for myself and others. I stop and look at what I am accepting myself to exist as and make a decision in common sense. I commit myself to not wait until the situation resolves itself but communicate as clearly as possible and accept that the situation my not present any solutions but may be a dead end, which I accept and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by searching for words that cover up my fear.

If and when I am placing myself in this position where I am looking to avoid revealing myself, and indeed try to hold up a facade, I realise that this is an opportunity that I have missed to understand who I am in self-honesty. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that all situations that I encounter are equal to me if I stand as an equal to them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with an uneasiness within myself where I do not want to make a commitment or a decision - in other words I don't take a clear stance because I see myself as 'slave' within the situation.

If and when I create a situation where I end up acting from the starting point of inferiority, I realise that letting someone else make a decision for my life is not taking responsibility - no matter how minute the situation will impact me. Waiting for something to happen is like waiting for god - I commit myself to stop beliefs and use/work/move whatever is here in the moment, and stop all future projection of what could be if and when....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react contrary to how I would like to act because I want to keep my doors open and not say 'no' to something that could be of further interest down the line.

If and when I engage in activities that in essence are only there to keep my doors open I realise that in this situation I create self-abuse because in order to keep my doors open I must go along with the situation and give my power away by not directing myself. I commit myself to stop keeping my doors open and become the director of my life by stopping all thoughts and all fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with suspicion towards my potential collaborators by looking at the underlying motives for their offer.

If and when I am being offered something that I know I don't want to do, I stop looking for ways to blame others but take responsibility by 1) assessing the situation in common sense and 2) communicating the outcome of my assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disappointment because the conversation does not address the points I was expecting to be addressed at this time.

If and when I react with disappointment I realise that somewhere I am still acting from hope. i commit myself to take disappointment as a cue for me to investigate my starting point and all my feelings and emotions attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react from a starting point of feeling used instead of realising that I have put myself into this situation.

If and when I want to blame others, I look at what I have missed in my own conduct that let me to believe that I am being used. I commit myself to work on taking all situations back to self in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a stifled manner- where I sit in the discussion and would like to have clarify of the situation but hold back because I fear my collaborators' reaction - not realising that this situation has nothing to do with the people I talk to but with me not trusting myself.

If and when I realise that I once again acted from a point of missing self-trust, I keep digging and working until I reach clarity in how I have sabotaged myself. I commit myself to one-by-one let go of all the programs that prevent me from trusting myself and commit myself to stop all fears through self-trust.


[Continue reading...]

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 220, 2012 Bacteria/Viruses_cold_illness_sick 1

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use bacteria and viruses to abuse myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either fear bacteria and viruses or want to attract the same in order to create sickness, deliberately. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bacteria and viruses when others, who are visibly infected, come to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the lack of control I have over bacteria and viruses, once they enter my body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what bacterial and/or viral activity is going on in my body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that bacteria and viruses can put me out of commission for an unknown amount of time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bacteria and viruses are more powerful than me because i don’t understand how they work - beyond what science tells me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bacteria and viruses, because they challenge my individualism since they use humans and animals as a host to get to me - and thus demonstrating to me how dependent I am on everyone else. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fear bacteria and viruses when I want to be sick out of convenience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I wish to be sick deliberately I do so randomly where I show no concern about the extend to which I can get sick and incapacitated. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to use sickness to get the attention of my parents. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used sickness/illness to not take responsibility for my actions and/or to manipulate and hide behind sickness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attributed illness/sickness to be a seasonal phenomenon. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used 'cold weather' to program the belief that cold weather brings sickness/illness to me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother telling me not to sit down on a cold stone because I will get sick if I do, exist within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my mother telling me that I get sick if I sit on a cold stone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined fragility, harm, pain within the memory of my mother telling me that if I were to sit on a cold stone I will get sick. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from fragility, harm and pain by defining fragility, harm and pain within a memory of my mother telling me that if I were to sit on a cold stone I will get sick. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that fragility, harm and pain are here equal and one as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me where I am in excruciating pain, close to dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me in total helplessness and depending on another to help me get to a doctor. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that when I get sick I shift shape and become gross and disgusting. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where all my dreams are bursting, because I have become sick/ill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I do not want to live any more because I am too sick/ill. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that bacteria and viruses are harmful to my survival. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that bacteria and viruses are beings too. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that bacteria and virus are weapons, defined by humans as biological warfare. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when I am dead bacteria will invade my body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that bacteria and viruses are in a war with humans. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that bacteria and viruses become my friends and help me out of situations I believe that I cannot get out otherwise. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can use sickness and illness like a weapon to keep me save from the evil world around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every year imagine how the cold weather will affect me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how well I feel in warm weather when I am living in cold weather. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about how I get out of a particular situation and then telling myself that sickness is the best way to get around the issue(s). 

I forigve myself that I have accepted and alllowed myself to have backchat about people who sit close to me in public spaces because they represent a potential threat to my health.

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 219, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 5

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Here I am continuing to write on the series of posts that started on day 215. This post focusses on the backchat dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voice in my mind who tells me that this research topic is boring and preparing the presentation will derail me.

If and when I realise that I am listening to the voice in my head, I stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to tune out of backchat as soon as it arises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to backchat about what waste of time it were for me to do be part of this conference.

If and when I realise that I looking for excuses in regards to not having sufficient time, I know that I am engaging in self-sabotage. I commit myself to heighten my awareness on this point of "not enough time" and stop this 'popular manner' of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create confusion within myself by allowing myself to listen to backchat where I to push myself to participate in the conference and, at the same time, have backchat where I am telling myself to do exactly the opposite.

If and when I realise that I create confusion within myself I realise that I am diverting myself from the real issues at hand. I commit myself to stop all diversion tactics and stop myself from thinking.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat that conflicts me and thus keeps me busy and trapped between polarities.

If and when I realise that I have polarised voices talking in my head, I stop myself immediately. I commit myself to stop all mental "perspectives" and remain in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat where I distrust my potential colleagues.

If and when I realise that I am creating a separation between myself and others who I work with academically, I stop myself, breathe, and stop myself from looking for blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is truth in my backchat, hence I allow myself to listen to it.

If and when I believe that I think, I stop myself and get physically active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without backchat I would be unable to decide what would be the most optimal way forward.

If and when I believe that backchat has the solutions I remind myself of the state of the world that is created by backchat. I commit myself to refrain from creating delusion and seek the truth in breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can look at what is happening in my life and make decisions in common sense by writing and explaining the situation to myself.

If and when I realise that backchat is taking over, I start to write. I commit myself to stop all 'thinking' and focus on writing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do not have to have common sense on the tip of my tongue - and realise that any thought that comes up instantly is backchat instead of common sense.

If and when I try to convince myself that my backchat is common sense, I realise that this is a form of self-sabotage. i commit myself to bring myself back to awareness and stop all thoughts through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by listening to my backchat I look for validation about my decision in how to proceed with this.

If and when I look for validation, I realise that I am dealing with a case of missing self-trust. I commit myself to develop my writing discipline effectively so that I can trust myself in the decisions I make. 
[Continue reading...]
 
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