Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Day 547 - more on ego @work - point b.

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I continue working through the fears that came up from my interactions at work which I have outlined on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work


b. Fear of having created an "enemy" because of my straightforwardness and not submitting to the rules


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted that I can be rejected by others because I give myself permission to do so, and through this acceptance have allowed myself to fear that I have done something bad/wrong/false when I interpret another's reactions from the point of a potential rejection, and so believe that through my words and actions I deserve that another can consider me his or her enemy. 

When and as I have a moment where I am 'feeling rejected' I stop myself and breathe, and I look at the situation why I am feeling this way and then release with all my being myself from the situation. I commit myself to proceed like this until I stand free from the interpreting another's response from the starting point of "a potential rejection". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the feeling of rejection comes first and then I try to mentally reason in my backchat why this feeling of rejection is accurate and why there can be no doubt that the other is intending to reject me with this actions and/or non-action. 

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop the feeling as it comes up and go deeper in my self-forgiveness so that I can understand the trigger points that have automated the rejection response. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to suffer when I believe that another rejects me, I see, realise and understand that this split of myself within myself where I am separated into pieces where part of me is looking to be accepted by others in the world, and the other parts within me want to be whole. 

When and as I am at the stage of suffering because I have separated myself from the world and from others, i stop and breathe, I accept that this is a mind technology that I have come to believe and I stop. I simply stop believing that i can ever be separate from anything and see, realise and understand that separation occurs in the mind only, and that through the focus on my mind, I am actually bringing about separatist actions in the world. 

I commit myself to stop all emotional suffering and to stop the habit of suffering because I see, realise and understand that suffering is a place of comfort which I have known from my childhood - so I commit myself to let go of my childhood once and for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this split, neglect myself based on a memory that I hold onto where I identify myself with my childhood, and where I believe that I am more comfortable suffering because that is what I know from childhood, than stopping to identify myself with the "feeling of rejection" which is what I use to instantiate my suffering.

When and as I am seeking to identify myself with my childhood, I stop and breathe, I am here and I remain here, I see realise and understand that identity is a construct, it is not real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a personality where sympathise with the underdog, with those who suffer in the world, because I believe that I suffer emotionally and that I know what it is like, but not allowing myself to see in this context that I am responsible for my suffering just as all are responsible for the world of suffering that we have created collectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to constitute a self that is unwavering, stable at all times, gentle breathing, seeing, realising and understanding 'equalness' with all that is here. 

I commit myself to stop the chaotic and emotional ways that I accept in my life as me, and step by step, implement ways to bring stability in my life beyond what I have managed to stabilise within and without at this point in time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself in self-interest where I become blind to the solution of situations in my world because I have trapped myself in emotion so that I divert myself in suffering and remain stagnate within myself because I have not yet, in absolute terms, let go of my self-identification. 

I commit myself to release with all my being of the self-identification that I carry around within me, and within this post I give myself permission to release with all my being the habit of feeling comfort in emotional suffering. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to how i have identified myself from my experience and memories of my childhood, and the belief that there is more value in suffering than completely letting go of suffering and recreating myself anew. 

I commit myself to instead of going into a state of suffering, I immediately find a solution for the situation, which here in relation to the prof. would be that I move on and look for other people to join my team and I clearly communicate to the prof. my intentions in consideration of the kind of relationship I have with him.  
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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Day 546 - more on ego @work - point a.

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In this post I am continuing on my previous topic, and here I am looking at the first point in self-honesty:

a. Fear of my idea being appropriated by a professor who will not give me credit. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my interaction with the prof as negative where I proposed my idea and have used this negativity to further justify my fear that he will use my idea and develop a proposal with others who are already part of his network and are more valuable to him. 

I commit myself to stop my imagination and fears about the prof being dishonest with me, which reflects my own dishonesty and stop my fears about his next step and instead I stay here in breath and do what I would like the other to do by making a list for myself of the types of qualities I would appreciate in a collaboration and at the same time assess the situation with the prof. as it develops in the physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created attachment to the project idea, even though I realise that this is delusional because any idea is available to anyone as all ideas are nothing more than programs that run in our minds.

I commit myself to release and let go of the attachment that I have created towards the project idea, because I realise that I have programmed myself in this way due to memories which I have used to create a lack of self-value, and so I realise that this point of letting go of my attachment is my responsibility, to end this program, so that I can create an acceptable and equal starting point for myself within this situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown personalities of this prof because I believe that there is a potential that he will work towards getting recognition for the project where I stand in the background and will not get rewarded even though the project is my idea. 

I commit myself to stop my imagination in how the interaction with the prof will play out because I realise that I use my interaction to create an energy-scenario on the basis of my fear and interact with him from fear, which I realise is resonantly present and thus will influence and shape my interaction with him. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still operate from the memory of my mother preferring my brother and caring for my brother and giving him more attention than me - because I compared myself to my brother and through this comparison I judged myself as having less value to my parents.

I commit myself to find all the dimension of this memory and release them and to focus establishing value onto myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i need to be in competition with others to get recognition just as I was with my brother when I was a child where I tried to do things that my parents would be proud of so that I would get their recognition. 

When and as I am in the situation where the fear of loss comes up, I stop my thoughts and breathe, I will not allow myself to enter into the thought because I realise that this thought is my own dishonesty to keep me trapped in the ego point of seeking recognition for self-validation. I commit myself to value myself as self, equal and one to the physical existence and stop myself from competing for recognition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be stuck in fear of loss about something that I don’t even have - as with this project- and realise I cannot even create on my own where I need other people to collaborate with me. 

If and when I want to give up on myself and the situation, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to create backchat, instead I stop and breathe and bring myself here. I ‘reset’ my starting point, and push myself to engage - giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in how I relate to another by using the fear of loss and fear of betrayal as mechanisms of self-limitation.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand how I use fear - the fear of others, the fear of loss - and the need and desire to be recognised by others for my value - to limit myself and to also limit my relationships with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear as my starting point manipulates my interactions with the prof.

I commit myself to become aware in all ways how I create my outer world at the university. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inside of myself, a sense of ‘holding’ on to what I believe is mine, namely the idea, where I sense this holding on in my body when I speak about the idea with someone I don’t trust where I get a physical reaction of retraction in my body 

When and as I speak about the idea I stop focussing on my external world, I take a breath first to center myself and then talk about the idea to myself, I will not allow myself to use projection in that I respond to the other, in how I perceive the other, but instead I speak for myself as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where I see myself as innovative and creative and therefore I allow my actions to uphold the picture of being innovative and creative which I believe makes me special and ‘valuable’ in the world - not realising that this value is a monetary value that I am pursuing and I identify with, for example, being able to attract research money with my idea. 

I commit myself to stop my ego and any belief that I am innovative and creative and to identify myself with these traits and commit myself further to stop my inferiority and superiority to creativity and innovation and stand as equal to both. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief of being innovative and creative to - in actuality - block my creativity, because I limit the flow of myself expression since it has to first be filtered and approved by my mind as innovative and creative. 

I commit myself to recognise this point of having blocked my creativity, which I am aware of but I have denied myself working through this program because I have not seen it as important and because I have not been living to my utmost potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be recognised by the external world for being a creative and innovative person and have used this desire to motivate myself. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand what underpins this desire so that I can stop it and stand equal to creativity and innovation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not yet recognised myself and this is why I desire the recognition of others - because only when others see my value I can see the value of myself.

I commit myself to keep working on the point of self-recognition and stop believing that I have already written much on it and that I should be done with it. I see, realise and understand that there are many dimensions to this point and I stop projecting an ‘end’ to this point because I see that this is the voice of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still operate from the memory of my mother and father not appreciating me the way I would have wanted to be appreciated, and therefore program myself to do things from the starting point and motivation to ‘win’ my parents recognition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used creativity and innovation to create a relationship with the desire for recognition by others and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dishonesty between creativity and innovation with the desire to receive recognition by others. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand the dimensions of this relationship in all its detail and release these dimensions so that i can establish an equal and one relationship between innovation and desire with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know where the thought “he wants to steal my idea” comes from because I do not allow myself to recall the memory that I used to program myself in this way and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use paranoia to situations with negative consequences so that I can keep my paranoia and keep existing in the way I have programmed myself. 

When and as I feel the thought “he wants to steal my idea” creep up from within me, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to get into a paranoia state but instead I realise the true nature of this thought and stop participating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory from many years ago where I was in a situation where I wanted to collaborate with others on an idea but was paranoid that the person would use my idea to gain notoriety and thus I sabotaged the situation so that I ended up not being able to collaborate at all. 

I commit myself to use the current situation to transform this paranoia and walk out of the fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a physical experience when the thought comes up that the prof can steal my idea where i feel restricted in my chest area and my torso contracts as if I am disappearing inside a black hole. 

I commit myself to stop abusing my body by learning to breathe here in awareness, and focus myself on my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat after I talked with the prof because I fear that I cannot trust him, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the behaviour of the prof and use this judgement to respond with distrust. 

I commit myself to stop my self-judgement because I see, realise and understand that as long as self-judgement exists, I also judge others and create backchat that I use to ‘run’ my programs in response. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worst case scenario where I put a lot of work into the project and gain zero benefit from it. 

When and as I perform an action in the world I learn to do it as self-movement without motivation or a thought, such as “what’s in it for me, but instead I do from the point of equality, and by working in this manner I allow and enable myself to satisfy all parts of me instead of compromising myself for my job, to achieve and manifest my belief that I must give more than myself to ensure that I benefit from the work and that I have earned this benefit. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is a likely scenario and this is why my fear is justified. 

When and as I use reason to convince myself that something that I believe is true, I stop, because I realise that any thought I have is not real, it cannot be real because it stems from my programmed mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to create expectations of betrayal by the prof. when this is part of my own history couched in the memories of my childhood and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the memory instead of looking at things in reality. 

When and as I am creating expectations about my interactions with others at work, I stop and breathe, and investigate the root of these expectations so that I am in the position to see how I have programmed myself and let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the prof. in complete automation because i believe that I did not 'click' with him, thereby not realising that we did not 'click' because I reacted to his words by interpreting them as an alarm signal that I must be careful and not allow myself to trust him.

I commit myself to push myself to the point where I stop all reactions to another's words and actions, and I remain here breathing. When and as I find myself reacting to another's words, I stop and breathe, and immediately shift my focus onto my breath and only talk when I have cleared myself. 
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Friday, July 11, 2014

Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work

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So I am facing another peculiar situation at work. After finishing my recent proposal, I have another project proposal that I am now starting to shop around. In the first instance, I took my idea to a professor at my university. This is a different approach because for my last proposal writing effort, no one else from my university was involved, all my collaborators where from other universities.


When I started to investigate who would be suitable for the project idea two people recommended a professor to me whose line of research fits with what I would like to do, and this was confirmed when I studied his profile. Now, I have never met this guy before and so anything could have happened and did. I did not prepare myself from the starting point of "what if….?" Because I did not want to create a negative or positive attitude within myself instead I manipulated myself with this thought:  "how bad could it be, I am bringing an idea to him - that's the mana of each professors' existence".


And when we finally met almost two weeks ago, we clashed...

It turned out that he was hired into a new chair at the university and that he is eager to show what he can do now. After a few minutes of talking with him, I realised that he would go quite far to make sure he gets the most credit out of the project.

Our life trajectories are also pretty much in opposition, he has stayed within in a 100km radius of the small place where he was born and has always worked in the vicinity. I, on the other hand, have lived all over the world and have lived in places that are quite tolerant what concerns traditions and rules. 


I explained to him that I see us equals in this endeavour if he chooses to collaborate with me and from his answers I saw that he did not agree because to him I could not be an equal as I am not a professor. I then tried to explain to him that my life prior to academia has to be taken into consideration and that I am not an unexperienced researcher because my professional trajectory prior to academia is tightly related to my research topic and so I bring a lot of experience to the project.  


With this and some other experiences I finally realised that I was like a fish in a different water at this university. Where I had studied and lived prior to coming to the current place of employment - those were "modern" places, where professors where not seen as someone 'untouchable',  they had open doors, and I was treated like a person not like a title. 


Where I work now, it's a bit like going back 70 years in time, professors don't even say hello to those who are not professors, regardless of other credentials or experiences these people might have. There are many "unspoken" rules in what someone in my position can and cannot do. 


I realise that I was actually quite fortunate initially when I came to the university, because through my research unit switch I now see the difference, now that I am part of the faculty.   In my prior research unit, I was at an independent centre that is loosely connected to the university and operates a bit more like US and UK universities. There I already noticed a difference but dismissed it as unimportant because it did not affect my basic communication.  If I had not dismissed it I could have paid more attention to the rules and maybe figured out what they are. 


So at this stage, I am facing myself in a few ways:


a. Fear of my idea being appropriated by a professor who will not give me credit. 
b. Fear of having created an enemy because of my straightforwardness and not submitting to the rules. 
c. Dislike of the professor and regret for having addressed him with my idea.
d. Dislike of the university environment because it is so outdated and backwards.
e. The desire to leave instead of staying put and working through the points.
f. A kind of in limbo state about what to do, whether I should proceed with finding partners outside of the university or just write out the points with this professor and pursue the idea with him further. 


ad f. Yesterday I have sent him an email for a follow-up meeting and if he does not respond then I have to make a decision on what to do.


In my next post, I will work on the self-forgiveness to release myself from the constraints and self-limitations and see where the root of my 'evil' stems from. 



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Thursday, July 10, 2014

Day 544 - Living by principle no. 2 - Guided in thought and deed to bring about what is best for all

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Principle of the living:

No. 2: Living by the principle of what is best for all - guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all. 


When I initially read this line of text I responded by feeling a heaviness in my body. I experienced this sentence as "a lot of responsibility" to be aware of everything I think and do, to always stir the events in my life in the direction of what it best for all -  I thought of the many decisions I make day in and day out,  how can I be aware of them all?

When I re-read the sentence I realised that in my awareness I skipped the first part of the sentence, and conveniently focussed on the latter part, the hard part, so that I could allow myself to feel the heaviness and the perceived burden of so much responsibility. So in re-reading I then realised that the first part of the sentence "by the principle"  denotes a process, a process of change that moves close and closer to becoming the principle itself.  

In my particular situation, I have noticed that I have often taken the route away from responsibility, in quite hidden and manipulative ways because I have perceived responsibility as a burden. Whenever I have to take responsibility for something I am actually quite conscientious  of all the aspects  because I take responsibility very seriously and usually the outcome is satisfactory. When it comes to interacting with other people, I would rather not take responsibility. Yet, generally speaking when taking responsibility for everything, it inevitably leads to more interaction with other humans and potential friction points where I would be confronted with myself. The way I have previously dealt with this point is that I have created an introverted personality where I do not need much interaction with others and I am quite happy, self-contained and in peace when left alone. In other words, I have denied myself the opportunities to face myself with others and have 'run away' from myself by minimising any additional responsibility and only focussing on the bare minimum.  

Since I have become aware that this construct/programming exists as dominant factor in my life, I have taken deliberate steps to walk out of it. Though I realise that this is an ongoing process as I am often surprised how far I have accepted escape as an option to solve a problem.

On the other hand, I have seen that I have the capacity to direct problems quite well, to the best outcome for all, which has been an interesting walk in real life, and has shown me that this fear of responsibility has a lot to do with an energy of anticipation, based on memories of my childhood in particular, when I interacted with my mother. 

So, clearly, there is path to walk with this principle to live my utmost potential in pushing myself to guide my thinking and doing towards what is best for all, taking the responsibility to steadily chisel away on the aspects of my programming that I use to hold myself back. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility to steadily guide myself in all aspects of my life towards the solutions that are best for all because I see, realise and understand that this means I must let go of the self-interest in not wanting to take responsibility for myself, for others and for everything that it here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't have what it takes to be so focussed on directing my thoughts and deeds all the time towards that is best for all, because I anticipate from myself perfection in the outcome, instead of realising that this is a path I am walking and that pushing myself is what I am committing to, here in every moment, and not allowing my mind to interfere by looking towards the outcome of my efforts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself overwhelmed when committing to the principle to produce outcomes to problems that are best for all because I believe that I have too much going in my life to cover all thoughts and deeds of my daily involvement which I realise is a self-manipulation to step away from taking responsibility. 

I commit myself to take responsibility to live BY the principle of producing thoughts, actions and solutions in a consistent manner that are best for all. 

I commit myself to target the areas in my life where I insist on keeping myself locked up and trapped to not take responsibility and to hold onto energy and programs that cannot produce outcomes that are best for all. 



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Sunday, July 6, 2014

Day 543 - An inconvenient mirror

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I am at a peculiar position at work, I have no supervisor anymore. A few months back I switched research units for a number of reasons that are irrelevant to mention for the content of this post.  As a newcomer in the research unit I switched to, I am now in a lab which has no senior members. The person who is supposed to be leading the lab - which is merely a handful members who are loosely connected and are working in different departments -  is pretty much my equal in terms of professional experience and scope. It has been a real piece of work for me to integrate myself because I can see that I am not easily accepted, and that in turn I am not easily accepting the person who is heading the lab. So, I was looking at the situation and I found that I have build up many judgements and resentments that stem from my interactions with him.

When I honestly looked into myself and saw all the dimensions of accumulated backchat that I bring towards him, I realised that they span not only my personal interactions with him, but also how he manages the lab activities, and those who are liaised with him.  For example we have a stack of papers and every fortnight he chooses one from the stack for us to read and to discuss.  Habitually, he chooses the paper on Friday evening, which means that I have to work on the weekend and study the paper to prepare myself. I am resentful for this because I believe that he is aware of what he is doing. More resentment came about when he did not answer my emails and did not take my suggestions seriously. From another perspective, I can understand that he could see me as a threat because I came in to the research unit, already involved with a proposal which made no reference to the lab and created a point of separation and superiority.

I have done writing on my mind-relationship with him in my private blog, yet I still feel challenged not react to him.  I see that my starting point is already one of suspicion and expectation where I make myself aware of his words and triangulate the meanings to get to the gist of what he is 'really' trying to say to me - or so I believe. What is it that he represents to my mind that I do not want to let go of? Why am I having such a hard time relating to him? When we interact we are both very well protected and I also believe that I have assessed him quite well, which might be the case though it does not justify the mind fuck I allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on X's short comings so that I can justify for myself why I don't want to accept him, and why I don't want to trust him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can read X like an open book, where I see that he is convinced of himself and I see that he is desires control and yet, he is like a mirror to me where I see myself in a similar way and I recognise that this is a part of me I don't like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that the problem I have with him is the problem I have with myself, and that my interactions with him are showing me sides of myself that I would rather keep in the dark because they are part of my ego composed from a stack of self-definitions that I fear to lose -  who would I be without them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use his lab management points, so in effect his leadership skills to find fault with him because in reality I am also unsure of my leadership skills and how I would handle the situation if the tables where reversed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to him with a hostile starting point, because I believe my backchat where I say to myself "I can't trust this guy" which I base on my interactions with him and the stories I have heard about him, and by doing so I realise I eradicate the opportunities I have to stand without reactions when I am interacting with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by creating a wall, a blockage in my interactions with X because I do not want to let go of my guard when I experience the other as interacting with me from a point of self-protection and here I forgive myself for my stubbornness of expecting the other to first make changes instead of me making changes within myself independent of what he is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to make changes, for example if I were to approach X with a silenced mind and in breath, I stand to lose 'something' where I cannot even define what I would lose because I don't know what would happen if I were to be in breath awareness and not aware of my distrust towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by not allowing myself to change in this situation, in my interactions with X, and continue to be stuck in blame so that I continue to live in my limited mind space instead of living here.

Commitments.

I commit myself to change the situation by learning to interact with X from the starting point of awareness in breath, and by challenging myself to stop all backchat about him until my mind is quiet.

I commit myself to dismiss the stories I have heard about X instead of hanging on to them as proof that what I am experiencing is the 'truth' so that I can continue to blame him, but instead I make the point of my interactions with X to be a point in here-ness, where I do not allow memory or previous ideas I have of the person to dictate how I feel within myself when I am in his presence.

I commit myself to be gentle with myself and to give myself permission to change and let go, so that I can use this opportunity to walk out of the self-definitions that I use to justify my reactions towards X.

I commit myself to take my power back by stopping my reactions and emotions and direct myself from within my relationship with self.

Realisation.

I realise that we are both equally insecure about our position at the university, our expertise in the field, and that our insecurity prompts us to want to be in control about how we are perceived by others. I realise that this is what I do not want admit to myself and what I see about him and I dislike.





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Friday, June 27, 2014

Day 542 - Living by principle no.1 - Living my utmost potential

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Principle of the Living:
No. 1: Realising and living my utmost potential


Upon reflection of this statement above, I rephrased "utmost potential" for myself to indicate an expansion of myself in every direction of my life. I can take a 360 degree view around my life and look in each direction to investigate myself where I am limiting myself with beliefs, opinions, back chats, and fears. Equally important is to look at my desires in relation to my self-definitions, as those self-definitions are also limitations because there is always the moment where I can believe that my desires are my real potential when in reality they are rooted in memories and a perceived lack or compensation about who I believe I am. 

A potential is just that, something that is undefined and unknown and cannot be captured by the mind or projected into my current reality. It is however context-dependent and so besides taking a 360 degree view of my current life for inventory, where I can explore my utmost potential, I also have to look at the context of each situation to see where I am using beliefs, opinions, back chats and fears to hold myself back. 

Here are some of the areas which I will look at to understand where I am limiting myself: professional life, friends and family in general, partner, Desteni, the material world, food, sleep, money, parents, future, desires and my creativity. Investigating any of these areas requires me to be self-honest which also relates to the third principle: living the principle of self-honesty. The areas will be addressed in my private blog but here I will make a first step to self-honesty where I clear myself to open up to my potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past focussed on my potential only in certain areas of my life and have undermined other areas which I have labelled as less or unimportant or as "unchangeable" not realising that to be a whole person, all areas of my life are equally important. 

I commit myself to view my potential as unlimited to any area of my life and assess where I am allowing myself to believe that some areas are less important than others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed my potential predominantly in the context of my work, and on self-improvement where I see that I can change myself by relying on myself e.g. my skill set, and can move myself independent from other people.

I commit myself to stop my fears in relation to areas in my life where I believe I cannot act independently of others to explore my potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen that the context of my entire life is subject to my potential and not specific areas which results in a form of segregation of myself.

I commit myself to see myself holistically who exists on a continuum and apply myself from that starting point when investigating and exploring my potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of areas in my life where I am not living my potential because I have been afraid to deal with the memories and fears that are related to these areas. 

I commit myself to release the memories and fears that hold me back to explore my potential in all areas of my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of areas in my life where I am not living my potential because I have already given up on myself achieving my potential.

I commit myself to no longer accept giving up on myself and push myself to reach my potential in every way.
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Saturday, June 21, 2014

Day 541 - The Backchat Conversation

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Recently I had a backchat conversation with someone. It's been a while since I have indulged in these types of conversations and I was surprised that I allowed myself to do so. The situation was such that my conversation partner opened the door by making a few statements that I could relate to from my own experience and this prompted me to give myself permission to encourage the conversation on the same trajectory. After the conversation was done and dusted, I experienced regret and more backchat about having 'let myself go'. A few days later, I noticed that it was becoming easier for me to now allow myself to comment on backchats of other people at work where I would have generally remained in silence. The initial allowance I gave to the backchat conversation was now spreading into other areas of my life and so I can see how my mind is in the process of opening the door further. So, till here and no further. I stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for voicing my backchat in the conversation with another because I still believe that my backchat is justified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity when another engages with me in a backchat conversation, to encourage the backchat even further by giving my input which is also based on backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been dishonest and insincere about my process when I allow myself to accumulate backchat that I voice at the next best occasion, to make use of my backchat to blame, complain and defend myself about a memory. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I was fully aware of what I was doing when I engaged in the backchat conversation, which was making me feel uncomfortable inside, and yet I continued and did not stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have talked about others' actions in judgement, blamed others for my experience, and have given in to my mind because I saw it as a safe opportunity to voice myself as the other person was sharing a similar experience to mine. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still give in to temptations that appear in my world, to focus on the external and personal affairs of others, which I store in my memory, instead of solely placing the focus on my own process, and so I allow myself to compromise myself out of convenience.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have revoked my process of change, because I fell when I engaged in the backchat conversation.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the various scenarios how I could have handled the situation and experience regret about the missed opportunity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I did not change in the moment when I could have stopped the backchat conversation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my conversation partner would have been disappointed if I had stopped the conversation from evolving further in backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other person’s emotions would have augmented, as the person was already in an emotional state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a pleasant enagement and not face conflict with another, which motivated me to continue with the backchat conversation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a thought as the conversation was evolving that it was alright for me to indulge in backchat with my conversation partner, because I wanted to relieve myself from the injustices that I believe where done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimised myself within the backchat conversation because my starting point was to commiserate with my conversation partner about similar experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing something if I do not know what other people have experienced within the same circumstances, because I like to compare my experiences with the justification that I can learn from it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have misguided my curiosity to operate on a personal level, where I allow my curiosity to drift with my mind instead of directing myself to use curiosity as a tool to investigate the greater issues of the system.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts where I tell myself that some gossip is OK because otherwise I have nothing to talk about with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the moment where I make a decision to ‘let myself go’ and indulge in a conversation of backchat, whereby I deny myself to choose life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for their backchat and gossip and do not stop my own. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for 1) releasing accumulated energy through more private writing, 2) change the trajectory of the conversation and 3) the regret of having missed my opportunity to stand up again after the situation by immediately writing myself out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen already where this situation gave me further permission to continue opening myself up for a backchat conversation in another context. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other’s would think or do if I were to stop indulging in backchat conversation, because I believe that if I were to do that I would risk loss as consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss if I were to stop engaging in backchat conversations.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting another perspective of a given situation if I were to stop backchat conversations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in my relations when I don’t have another source of information about another's experiences with the same relations, which gives me a new angle from which I can make decisions

Commitments:

I commit myself to stop myself engaging in backchats by placing more focus and effort on my private writing on the topic(s) where I tend to accumulate backchat. 

I commit myself to revise my starting point and do not allow myself to engage in conversations where I voice my backchat. 

I commit myself to risk everything to stop myself from the temptation to engage in backchat. 

I commit myself to stop listening to all and any excuses why it is alright for me to let myself engage in backchat. 

I commit myself to learn the difference between backchat and 'relating a story' without spite, blame, and defensiveness.  

I commit myself to make no exceptions for no-one and nothing when it comes to allowing myself to voice my backchat. 

I commit myself to write myself out so that I learn to release backchat completely through writing and not keep 'some' inside of me which I unleash at the next best occasion. 

I commit myself to learn to gently tell others who want to engage in backchat that I do not want to go there. 


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