Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1

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In my last buddy chat, I was asked to imagine the worst case scenario I could conjure up for myself. Only towards the end of the chat I was able to actually say what it would be. My answer was: I lose everything and end up roaming the streets. My buddy had asked me several questions prior to this one, how would I handle the situation if I lost my job and so forth… I could see in my answers that I actually no longer default to self-devaluation which was cool feedback on my process. However, the "bag lady" fear seems to have a stronghold on me. Here is what my buddy said:

"….the judgement towards this scenario within myself is the point that creates the fear within self. After you have done the self-forgiveness stand within the shoes of the bag lady. Allow yourself to become the bag lady in your mind. You will find many resistances to this… and once you are able to stand one and equal, then you will know that your self-forgiveness is complete." 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and being left with nothing so that I have to live in the street for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that living without support in anyway, so that I am left roaming the street is the worst thing I can imagine for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the fear to becoming a bag lade control me and use this fear to judge the life style of the bag lady as the worst case scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of the BXL train station where lots and lots of homeless people live and in this memory I am scared of the people because I have an aversion to the smell and the dirty existence that these men and women lead. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear, anxiety, aversion and dirty existence to the memory of the homeless people living in the BXL's train stations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that as a bag lady I could not preserve myself that I would not be able to eat the trash that others leave behind and that I would not be able to overcome the shame and therefore rather die. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if the worst case scenario were true I would not being able to wash my body or wash my clothes and that I have to lie in the street to sleep,  in the cold and wet not having anywhere to go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything that I would have many regrets about the things I did and didn't do in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to live in the streets that I could get attacked by men and that there would be no one to help me or protect me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I might get my hands on by roaming the streets, I have to protect very well because other homeless people might attack me and want what I have found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets so that I can no longer walk my process and write self-forgiveness. 




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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Day 561 - Being thrown into a new environment pt4

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The week is over, my work at the commission is completed. Again, the interaction with my ad-hoc colleagues during this intense work week brought out many aspects of my patterns or "characters" that I am still facing in the sense that i am aware of them and still have automated reactions. Some patterns, I have been able to transcend when they came up, but with other patterns I see that my will is not yet strong enough to stop the behaviour. 

In this post I will summarise the commitments (from the self-forgiveness in the previous post) that will put the patterns I still act out into perspective. 

If and when I am in a new environment where I have thoughts that I will be challenged professionally, I will first accept that the challenge is neither negative nor positive and if I lean into either direction then I see, realise and understand that i am existing in energy within the polarity of good/bad so that I release the energy.

I see, realise and understand that I have connected the idea of "challenge" to fear as well as positive excitement. In the case of this event, I recognise that I defaulted to fear because I believe that my skill set is not at the level I would like it to be and that I use desire/ the ego picture of myself to create emotions which obstruct my view of reality. What I have learned from this event was that my skill set was sufficient and that it was not expected of me to have more skill then I do. I commit myself to continue walking out of the thoughts that keep me limited in terms of what I should be, should have, and how I should act, and accept where I am at without self-judgement and self-condemnation. 

I see, realise and understand further that as I judge myself, I also judge and react to others. I therefore commit myself to continue placing my awareness on "judgement" patterns, to be able to release myself from judging myself and others throughout (all) situations that I encounter in my life. 

I see, realise and understand that entering into an unknown situation is a trigger for me where I allow self-judgement and judgement of others, anticipation, shame, as well as ego pictures to “take over”. 

I commit myself to continue looking into the construct that ‘new’ and ‘unknown’ environments present in my programming "makeup" until I understand the relationship between the fear of entering into these situations and the memories I have used to keep this fear going. 

I commit myself further to continue exposing myself to new environments and to challenge my comfort zones so that I can explore myself through my reactions in these environments.
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Day 560 - Being thrown into a new environment pt3

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The writing here is a continuation from the previous post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have focussed my interactions on the people who I had judged were nice to me, and have avoided or ignored, interacting with others especially those I felt uncomfortable with, or where the I did not receive a reciprocal body language of openness which I interpret as invitation to interact. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a strategy when I enter into a new environment, and then look for people who I see as nice and like-minded, and once I have found those people, I feel save and stick to them throughout the duration of my stay. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to react when I enter new environments because I feel unstable inside of myself, I therefore use this instability to allow my “old” patterns” to step in and to provide the stability that I am seeking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when I would insist interacting with people who I did not sense wanted to interact with me, I would have to experience rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fear of rejection to determine who I interact with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret a person’s behaviour as either pro or anti- "I", and use this interpretation as a starting point for how i interact with the person.




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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Day 559 - Being thrown into a new environment pt2

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Today was the fourth day in this new and temporary environment. I have come a long way from my previous post, my 2nd day experience. The writing supported me to get myself back on track and has also strengthen my resolve to stand up and stand strong as self, regardless if I seem to stick out of the crowd or not. 

Today though I realised another point. When working side by side with these impromptu colleagues, some very successful people in their field, working habits transpire and it becomes quite evident that success results from the scaffolding of concentration, discipline, dedication, commitment and self-motivation. Success is indeed the end of a long road. There was in particular one person who impressed me with his stamina of concentration and self-motivation reading and writing about some very dry documents, often written in cumbersome language with lots of jargon. When I watched him work and saw his level of self-motivation, I realised that in many ways I stood in the way of my own success. I have known what to do in terms of the methods of working and the characteristics such as self-motivation - and here is the big but - I have not been consistent and deliberate at all times in applying them. I realised that in the past, I have victimised myself because all the hard work that I have done to reach a particular goal I frequently have undone through self-sabotage. I then manage to stand up again, do the work again, until I reach the point where I allow myself to let self-sabotage enter into the scenario. I herewith declare that self-sabotage is no longer my friend. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know in most situations what to do, in order to achieve the best possible result and reach my goal but that I deliberately misuse my knowledge to sabotage myself to the point where I fail to create the outcome I set out to achieve. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-sabotage to stay within my self-limitation because I believe that it’s a safe place and that I know my power within these limits. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what lies outside the limits that I have accepted as me and that I use this fear to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the fear that I have created, the fear of letting go of the fear, and therefore keep myself trapped in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that every time I allow my thoughts to direct me in the moment, I give into my mind and weaken my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in the situation where on the one hand I push myself to move and self-direct the “who I am” from the starting point of my being, and on the other hand pull the breaks by letting go of my will and my ability to stay in awareness and surrender to my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that surrendering to my thoughts is OK at times and not at others, and thus I am sabotaging myself as I am wavering in my stance to the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself preoccupied between these two scenarios so that I do not have to face what lies beyond my self-limitations. 
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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Day 558 - Being thrown into a new environment pt1

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I have recently travelled to a professional gathering where I met people from all over Europe to work together with them for one week. We work side by side from morning to evening. In the evenings I go to my hotel and wake up the next morning to start again.. Most of the people did not know each other and all came from the various parts of Europe. A big mix of people, languages, and cultural habits. 
Part of our job was that we had to reach consensus on particular topics. We work in groups of three, each time rotating the people who are in the group

As everywhere, when people come together cliques form. You see the same people going to lunch together and hanging out during the breaks and when we socialise at night.  Before I came to this gathering, I had some thoughts about the socialisation part. Having to find people to go to lunch with and having to find people to talk to and so forth. I can see that here i was “stuck” in anticipation. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated within myself that the hard part of this job/contract was the socialisation with total strangers and that I experienced an uneasiness about the idea. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that I still believe that I must react to my environment, and therefore want to know everything about a new environment before entering into it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be comfortable in new environments and that I allow and accept worry about this desire not being fulfilled. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to be here within every moment of breath when I enter into an unknown and new environment in which I have to operate. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in my new environment because I do not feel comfortable within myself. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I am being perceived by others when I enter into a new and unknown environment. 

Today is the second day and it has been a bit difficult in the sense that I have noticed that I still have reactions wanting to make sure that I also have a few people to hang out with, and that I do not end up alone. It is not about being alone, but it’s about being part of a group within the group and not being left out. I would actually have no problems of being alone, going alone to lunch and hanging out during the breaks. But since I am part of the group, going alone would make me feel left out. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as a “loner” in the group because I want to be seen as accepted by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care about what people think of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as belonging to others because I believe that if I were seen as not belonging to others I would stand out. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out but to want to fit in. 
I also noticed that I seem to attract some people and repel others, and this causes me to have some anxiety because I do not understand why that is so. I experience a desire to know and to find out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out from the crowd and when I do I don’t want to deal with the consequences of being favoured  by some and not by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to other's people's definition of me when I do not want to be perceived as "different".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to construct 'security' for myself through the perception of others. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that security is who I am in my relationship with self and cannot be "obtained" through others. 

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Sunday, November 9, 2014

Day 557 - My experience of working with Shame

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Experiencing shame has been the most intense emotion that I have experienced in my life. Shame has motivated me to hide, to withdraw, and essentially, over time, to develop an introverted personality from within the intense feeling of shame. On the other hand, I have also programmed myself with a personality of confidence which I used to overcome the program of introversion in situations where I had to integrate myself with new people and new environments. In other words, I used the program of confidence to compensate for the program of introversion. 


Now that I look back on this situation, having gained some distance to how I have programmed myself in this way, I place myself into the memories of my younger days to see how I had made my parents my role models. My father for the feeling of intense shame and my mother for the program of confidence. I lived both of these programs to the extreme in that shame motivated me to often take drastic measures, by taking huge leaps into the unknown and using confidence to produce the courage to do so. 


The difference between guilt and shame in my personal life has been that shame seems to have been always there and the intensity of shame was regulated, more or less, by how I experienced the external world in relation to my memories. Guilt on the other hand, has typically been restricted to concrete and isolated situations, mostly where I was caught in a dilemma of what I “should” be doing and what I “wanted” to do. I ended up doing what I wanted to do, which could have also been giving into resistances. Facing the consequences of the situation then caused me to experience guilt because I knew better and I knew what was coming as a result of my action or inaction. 


An intense feeling of shame stems from a fragmented sense of self that is permeated and penetrated by experiences that led to labelling self as unworthy, defected, useless - in short, to reject the self. Self-acceptance is replaced with a (ego) picture of oneself in how one wants to be, yet that picture is unobtainable because it is based on a skewed self-perception, divorced from reality. Through intense self-judgement of not being able to live the (ego) picture, the self is hurt and injured. This is the point of separation that causes the fragmented self. 


It follows that when one has intense self-judgement that necessarily others in one’s world are judged with equal measure. This causes an internal situation of friction between self and others, which intensifies the cycle of judgement of others and self, and promotes the resulting feeling of shame. 


We can think of the (ego) picture as part of the manner in which we “outsource” the self to the external world. But the act of outsourcing the self can also be the way we interpret another’s behaviour in relation to ourselves, because through these interpretations we give up our power and use others to define who we are. 


The healing comes through directing one’s will to establish a relationship with self. This can be done when dedicating oneself to work on multiple fronts.



1. Body 

Letting go of the (ego) picture that one carries within oneself, starting with one’s body and the bodily image - for example, by doing self-forgiveness when standing naked in front of the mirror. By making a list of all the aspects one dislikes and likes about one’s body and forgiving each item on the list. As a commitment to change one can concentrate on one’s bodily functions. Becoming aware of one’s relationships with excretion, how one feeds oneself, and how one goes to sleep at night. In the commitment of becoming aware, one can focus on listening to the body through gentleness. I found this is an effective manner to establish self-intimacy.

2. Desires

Another angle to work with is to examine one’s desires and wishful thinking. Desires are powerful indicators where we want to live up to the (ego) picture. For example, what do we want from others? what do we expect from our relationships with others? from our job or career? Letting go of desires gently dismantles the (ego) picture one has constructed over the years.  

3. Relationships

All of the above supports the forming of a relationship with self, and self-trust is another aspect that can be learned and practiced. Here I suggest to place oneself into situation where one fears failing, and then to use one’s will to move through the situation, through the fear, and even the failure to develop and strengthen self- trust.




This is how I have been working with myself, which is a form of self-support in the framework of the Desteni-I-process pro. To get a taste of this process, join the free online course.
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Day 556 - Shared Office Space - final part

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It has been awhile since I wrote about the shared office space situation. In the past two weeks, I have been sick and not been at work and since then situation has changed a lot. 

As I reported in my previous post, I made an arrangement to speak to my 4 colleagues over lunch. This lunch arrangement has been postponed because of my sickness. Though after my self-forgiveness, I had committed myself to stay open to the office situation and stop my participation in backchat. Then a situation emerged where one of the office mates, being from another country, ran into problems with having to leave the country to go a conference but not being allowed to do so by the immigration laws. 

Since I have also had dealings with the local administration and since I have been in her situation in many other countries, I offered my advice to her. I told her what I would do in her situation. And she did. She eventually went to her conference and had no problem re-entering the country. 

This incidence "broke" the ice between the newcomers and myself. The past few days since I have been back at work have been different in that I don't experience the heavy feeling that I had before, the sense of dread of facing the noisy office. Because I maintain my work ethic when I am there but I do now interact on some level, the noise level has become more manageable and I see that the office mates are equally interested in keeping a healthy work environment between us all. 

In hindsight, the self-forgiveness I had done gave me the opportunity to share my experience/advice from a place of support, and not from a place of inferiority or superiority. This established an opening to relate to each other which I previously could not create because I feared the invasion, the noise and disturbance to my work environment.
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