Thursday, November 20, 2014

Day 559 - Being thrown into a new environment pt2

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Today was the fourth day in this new and temporary environment. I have come a long way from my previous post, my 2nd day experience. The writing supported me to get myself back on track and has also strengthen my resolve to stand up and stand strong as self, regardless if I seem to stick out of the crowd or not. 

Today though I realised another point. When working side by side with these impromptu colleagues, some very successful people in their field, working habits transpire and it becomes quite evident that success results from the scaffolding of concentration, discipline, dedication, commitment and self-motivation. Success is indeed the end of a long road. There was in particular one person who impressed me with his stamina of concentration and self-motivation reading and writing about some very dry documents, often written in cumbersome language with lots of jargon. When I watched him work and saw his level of self-motivation, I realised that in many ways I stood in the way of my own success. I have known what to do in terms of the methods of working and the characteristics such as self-motivation - and here is the big but - I have not been consistent and deliberate at all times in applying them. I realised that in the past, I have victimised myself because all the hard work that I have done to reach a particular goal I frequently have undone through self-sabotage. I then manage to stand up again, do the work again, until I reach the point where I allow myself to let self-sabotage enter into the scenario. I herewith declare that self-sabotage is no longer my friend. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know in most situations what to do, in order to achieve the best possible result and reach my goal but that I deliberately misuse my knowledge to sabotage myself to the point where I fail to create the outcome I set out to achieve. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-sabotage to stay within my self-limitation because I believe that it’s a safe place and that I know my power within these limits. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what lies outside the limits that I have accepted as me and that I use this fear to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the fear that I have created, the fear of letting go of the fear, and therefore keep myself trapped in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that every time I allow my thoughts to direct me in the moment, I give into my mind and weaken my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in the situation where on the one hand I push myself to move and self-direct the “who I am” from the starting point of my being, and on the other hand pull the breaks by letting go of my will and my ability to stay in awareness and surrender to my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that surrendering to my thoughts is OK at times and not at others, and thus I am sabotaging myself as I am wavering in my stance to the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself preoccupied between these two scenarios so that I do not have to face what lies beyond my self-limitations. 
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Day 558 - Being thrown into a new environment pt1

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I have recently travelled to a professional gathering where I met people from all over Europe to work together with them for one week. We work side by side from morning to evening. In the evenings I go to my hotel and wake up the next morning to start again.. Most of the people did not know each other and all came from the various parts of Europe. A big mix of people, languages, and cultural habits. 
Part of our job was that we had to reach consensus on particular topics. We work in groups of three, each time rotating the people who are in the group

As everywhere, when people come together cliques form. You see the same people going to lunch together and hanging out during the breaks and when we socialise at night.  Before I came to this gathering, I had some thoughts about the socialisation part. Having to find people to go to lunch with and having to find people to talk to and so forth. I can see that here i was “stuck” in anticipation. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated within myself that the hard part of this job/contract was the socialisation with total strangers and that I experienced an uneasiness about the idea. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that I still believe that I must react to my environment, and therefore want to know everything about a new environment before entering into it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be comfortable in new environments and that I allow and accept worry about this desire not being fulfilled. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to be here within every moment of breath when I enter into an unknown and new environment in which I have to operate. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in my new environment because I do not feel comfortable within myself. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I am being perceived by others when I enter into a new and unknown environment. 

Today is the second day and it has been a bit difficult in the sense that I have noticed that I still have reactions wanting to make sure that I also have a few people to hang out with, and that I do not end up alone. It is not about being alone, but it’s about being part of a group within the group and not being left out. I would actually have no problems of being alone, going alone to lunch and hanging out during the breaks. But since I am part of the group, going alone would make me feel left out. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as a “loner” in the group because I want to be seen as accepted by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care about what people think of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as belonging to others because I believe that if I were seen as not belonging to others I would stand out. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out but to want to fit in. 
I also noticed that I seem to attract some people and repel others, and this causes me to have some anxiety because I do not understand why that is so. I experience a desire to know and to find out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out from the crowd and when I do I don’t want to deal with the consequences of being favoured  by some and not by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to other's people's definition of me when I do not want to be perceived as "different".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to construct 'security' for myself through the perception of others. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that security is who I am in my relationship with self and cannot be "obtained" through others. 

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Day 557 - My experience of working with Shame

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Experiencing shame has been the most intense emotion that I have experienced in my life. Shame has motivated me to hide, to withdraw, and essentially, over time, to develop an introverted personality from within the intense feeling of shame. On the other hand, I have also programmed myself with a personality of confidence which I used to overcome the program of introversion in situations where I had to integrate myself with new people and new environments. In other words, I used the program of confidence to compensate for the program of introversion. 


Now that I look back on this situation, having gained some distance to how I have programmed myself in this way, I place myself into the memories of my younger days to see how I had made my parents my role models. My father for the feeling of intense shame and my mother for the program of confidence. I lived both of these programs to the extreme in that shame motivated me to often take drastic measures, by taking huge leaps into the unknown and using confidence to produce the courage to do so. 


The difference between guilt and shame in my personal life has been that shame seems to have been always there and the intensity of shame was regulated, more or less, by how I experienced the external world in relation to my memories. Guilt on the other hand, has typically been restricted to concrete and isolated situations, mostly where I was caught in a dilemma of what I “should” be doing and what I “wanted” to do. I ended up doing what I wanted to do, which could have also been giving into resistances. Facing the consequences of the situation then caused me to experience guilt because I knew better and I knew what was coming as a result of my action or inaction. 


An intense feeling of shame stems from a fragmented sense of self that is permeated and penetrated by experiences that led to labelling self as unworthy, defected, useless - in short, to reject the self. Self-acceptance is replaced with a (ego) picture of oneself in how one wants to be, yet that picture is unobtainable because it is based on a skewed self-perception, divorced from reality. Through intense self-judgement of not being able to live the (ego) picture, the self is hurt and injured. This is the point of separation that causes the fragmented self. 


It follows that when one has intense self-judgement that necessarily others in one’s world are judged with equal measure. This causes an internal situation of friction between self and others, which intensifies the cycle of judgement of others and self, and promotes the resulting feeling of shame. 


We can think of the (ego) picture as part of the manner in which we “outsource” the self to the external world. But the act of outsourcing the self can also be the way we interpret another’s behaviour in relation to ourselves, because through these interpretations we give up our power and use others to define who we are. 


The healing comes through directing one’s will to establish a relationship with self. This can be done when dedicating oneself to work on multiple fronts.



1. Body 

Letting go of the (ego) picture that one carries within oneself, starting with one’s body and the bodily image - for example, by doing self-forgiveness when standing naked in front of the mirror. By making a list of all the aspects one dislikes and likes about one’s body and forgiving each item on the list. As a commitment to change one can concentrate on one’s bodily functions. Becoming aware of one’s relationships with excretion, how one feeds oneself, and how one goes to sleep at night. In the commitment of becoming aware, one can focus on listening to the body through gentleness. I found this is an effective manner to establish self-intimacy.

2. Desires

Another angle to work with is to examine one’s desires and wishful thinking. Desires are powerful indicators where we want to live up to the (ego) picture. For example, what do we want from others? what do we expect from our relationships with others? from our job or career? Letting go of desires gently dismantles the (ego) picture one has constructed over the years.  

3. Relationships

All of the above supports the forming of a relationship with self, and self-trust is another aspect that can be learned and practiced. Here I suggest to place oneself into situation where one fears failing, and then to use one’s will to move through the situation, through the fear, and even the failure to develop and strengthen self- trust.




This is how I have been working with myself, which is a form of self-support in the framework of the Desteni-I-process pro. To get a taste of this process, join the free online course.
[Continue reading...]

Day 556 - Shared Office Space - final part

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It has been awhile since I wrote about the shared office space situation. In the past two weeks, I have been sick and not been at work and since then situation has changed a lot. 

As I reported in my previous post, I made an arrangement to speak to my 4 colleagues over lunch. This lunch arrangement has been postponed because of my sickness. Though after my self-forgiveness, I had committed myself to stay open to the office situation and stop my participation in backchat. Then a situation emerged where one of the office mates, being from another country, ran into problems with having to leave the country to go a conference but not being allowed to do so by the immigration laws. 

Since I have also had dealings with the local administration and since I have been in her situation in many other countries, I offered my advice to her. I told her what I would do in her situation. And she did. She eventually went to her conference and had no problem re-entering the country. 

This incidence "broke" the ice between the newcomers and myself. The past few days since I have been back at work have been different in that I don't experience the heavy feeling that I had before, the sense of dread of facing the noisy office. Because I maintain my work ethic when I am there but I do now interact on some level, the noise level has become more manageable and I see that the office mates are equally interested in keeping a healthy work environment between us all. 

In hindsight, the self-forgiveness I had done gave me the opportunity to share my experience/advice from a place of support, and not from a place of inferiority or superiority. This established an opening to relate to each other which I previously could not create because I feared the invasion, the noise and disturbance to my work environment.
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 555 - Shared Office Space pt1

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In my previous blogs I talked about the newcomers in my office though in meantime my new office mates are not so new anymore. My colleague who I shared the office before the others arrived has been rather friendly with the three new people. I, on the other hand, have been withdrawn because I have so much work that I a) don't have the time to go to lunch or to take a long break and b) I have been holding the 'silent' working pattern in place because I make it clear through my behaviour that the shared office space stays quiet because with 5 people someone is bound to be talking and the office is not that big.

However, in the past weeks I have noticed a slight but steady shift where the women have been increasing their conversations inside the office instead of going outside. Largely, I see this happening through my colleague  who has peu-à-peu begun to get more involved with the new office mates. When I discussed this point with my buddy, she said: …within their minds they have shifted to a new agreement and you are no longer part of that new established agreement…..and remember these things sometimes happen without actually communicating about it. It is a subconscious shift that happens …. they may not even consciously be aware of the shift. But when asked and asked to communicate about … it will start to unravel and the points will become clearer to everyone again in terms of how each person 'sees' the office space able to be used. The subconscious shifts are boundaries being pushed a little at a time and each time those boundaries shifts are justifiable and as such the point keeps on moving and moving beyond the initial agreement.

The initial agreement was discussed with my colleague first before the newcomers moved in and she was the one who delivered the agreement to the others. I was not present at the time which is a point of having given up my power. It was a matter of convenience for me when she went ahead and briefed the others but in self-honesty I also did not want to face the fact of asking the newcomers to stick to the principle of working quietly. The next step is to take my power back by taking to all of them.

Today I made an arrangement for a shared lunch in two weeks time.

Until then I am going to walk this point and release all energies so that I can take my power back without reactions and also walk through the anxiety of having to speak to all four about the principle of working quietly and ask where everyone is standing so that we can come to a shared agreement that works for all equally.

Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn the office situation, instead of finding a way of directing the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to backchat, mind chatter and memories instead of looking at the situation from the perspective of oneness and equality and directing myself within the situation so that it is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen this opportunity to walk out of my backchat but instead have accumulated energy within me and have allowed myself to linger in backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my office mates because I did not want to stand up and direct the situation because I still give into self-victimisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stay quiet, things will get better. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have assessed the situation in my backchat where I have analysed that my old office mate does not care about a quiet working climate because her contract is almost finished and my new office mates are just starting and thus they are not very busy but that I in contrast have a mega ton of work and am juggling many different projects that I am responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting my work done because I am being interrupted a lot and cannot concentrate and within this fear choose to withdraw myself and work at home. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an aversion within myself to going to my office because I believe that I am a victim of circumstances that the office mates where just dumped into my office. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my office mates are intruders who are invading my world and that i am powerless about their presence and all I can do is endure what is happening. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my office situation because I fear to speak up and direct myself and others in the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I say something it will be taken the wrong way and cause more tension. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am causing tension because I am not speaking up but I am behaving in a way that shows that I am uncomfortable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down and see the situation for what it is but to construct in my imagination a scenario that is based on a mixture of fear, anxiety and resentment and want to act from this starting point to find a solution which is why I want to change offices. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to work because I fear dealing with noise and the presence of the office mates because I have created a ‘deadend’ for myself where I can move out of unless I stand up and speak to the office mates about the situation and find a solution that is best for all.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become reactive because  my environment changed and I believed that I was a victim to these changes without having any influence on these changes because I see myself in separation of my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that i am going to be disturbed/interrupted and challenged by noise when I saw that there were 3 new office mates coming into the office. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have used the thought that there are three new office mates in the office to trigger myself into self-victimisation based on my memory of being ‘interrupted and disturbed’ by noise before and that I have projected this memory onto to the situation and have created the situation for myself.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an imagination in my head where I believe that my office mates are against me and through this belief hold myself hostage in staying quiet and staying the victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that if I do speak up my office mates will attack me and through this belief hold myself hostage in not saying any anything but staying quiet and staying the victim. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have come to the conclusion that running away, looking for another office is the best possible outcome because I have based my conclusion on my imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with energy to the situation and have within that activated all my memories that have a relationship to the concept of being disturbed, invaded, undermined and disadvantaged. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted by manipulating myself into the corner where I wanted to become invisible because I thought that this reaction would protect me from the others in respect to their noise and having to engage with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my reactions as valid and as my reality instead of realising that my reaction is triggered by my memories, thoughts and backchats that I believe to be real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in my body 
where I experience contractions in my chest and my back being hunched over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create nervous energy in my body where I want to repeatedly rub my fingers. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my upper shoulders as holding all the weight of the situation as I am experiencing my shoulders to be crushed in trying to support the energetic burden of the situation. 

[Continue reading...]

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Day 554 - Realisation about the "Newcomers in my office"

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In relation to my previous post Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1, I had some realisations that I am going to share. As I wrote previously, it felt like a sudden onslaught when 3 people joined our office as we were not informed by the administration and fears of being disturbed and losing our "peace" started to arise. But in parallel to this situation, I realised that I am also walking another point which added to the "system equation". In the course of becoming stable within myself, in situations like this one I would have habitually reacted to the newcomers by putting my best foot forward. This step translates to behaviour that overcompensates for my insecurities about the new people and who I am in relation to them.  However, I am no longer "acting" nice to establish relationships. Therefore, at times, I am unsure how to interact at all.

How I noticed that this was going on, was at a moment where I had thoughts come up that I would have used in the past to kick myself into 'nice' behaviour.  Because for a moment I could see that I was thinking about not being "nice enough" to the new people since I have been keeping to myself and interacting only when necessary. In the past, this thought would have moved me to nice behaviour in an attempt to make up for how I judged myself. Here, when the thought came up, I did not follow the rabbit hole but instead just breathed and stayed here. More importantly in that moment, I did nothing, I focussed on my work. I went home that day and wrote self forgiveness on the point which made me realise what just happened.

Another point that I saw in relation to this situation was the hindsight of something I lived through as the newcomer to the research unit. In other words, when I was on the receiving end, having come to the research unit through series of "unfortunate" circumstances, I wasn't welcomed with open arms by the professors in charge.  In a recent meeting I saw that the situation was dissolving somewhat into something new because one of the professors was becoming more approachable. So here I realised that it takes time to integrate new people when they appear through or with unintended consequences and that when we are new somewhere, most of us expect to be welcomed. Slowing down and developing patience is the solution to integrating as a newcomer but also to receive a new person into one's habitual environment.





[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1

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We went from a two person office occupying a five person office to being completely staffed with five people, suddenly and unexpected. Meaning, there was no communication or indication by the administration of the faculty that three people would suddenly join our office. Prior to the new situation, my colleague and I had a very good set-up. We both liked a quiet atmosphere to work in, and we had a complimentary rhythm. I could ask her about issues or aspects concerning the university because she had been there for quite a long time and she was well-informed. Things were easy.

Since the new women came to share the office, things have changed. The quiet atmosphere we had is gone. There is suddenly a lot of movement, the door is being opened and closed, it’s noisy and not comfortable anymore. Yesterday I voiced myself about the door being open and closed a lot, making me uncomfortable because I sit in the line of draft  between the window and the door. When I talked to the woman I wasn’t very clear and directive because I “feared” her reaction and she indeed reacted to me. 

Why did I let the anger build up inside of me when I have shown myself in other situations that I can breathe the emotion in and let it go - so why did I not stop myself?
What was a I afraid of that I could not communicate my point straight and with clarity?

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up about the door being opened and closed because I felt I was speaking from reaction and I realised that this would be evident if I were to speak up in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the newcomers opening and closing the door because I feel disturbed in my usual way of working. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience one of the girls as forceful and fear that I will have to battle her to be able to have a stable working environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a belief instead of being here equal and one to the situation of sharing my working environment with others and relating to everyone as an equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as holding on to an energy that is located in my chest area, which I experience as tightness and restriction and where I believe that I am unable to relax and let this energy go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am creating this physical reaction because I fear who I would be if I were to let go of this energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately focus on the movements of the new office colleagues to be able to judge and evaluate their behaviour so that I can feed my backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs around what I require in my environment to work effectively and use these beliefs to limit myself and give me a reason to create anger energy in relation to my new office mates. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others because I deliberately do not want to change myself to stand one and equal to the new situation and the new people in my daily work environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want  others to have access to my world because I believe that with access comes responsibility for me to communicate and to express myself and within that I fear not being able to communicate my needs, and thus others will impose themselves on me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react from a memory of my mother imposing her will upon me and me accepting it because I feared her wrath and her reactions - and so I programmed myself to get away from my mother as the only solution to stay in control of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have modeled my relationships with others on the basis of my interaction with my mother and the anger reactions that I experienced with her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am still reacting to my mother’s anger reactions by allowing and accepting the beliefs and fears I currently live in relation to my new office situation.  


I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless when new people come into my life as I once was powerless when I was a child and interacting with my mother. 

[Continue reading...]
 
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