Friday, April 18, 2014

Day 532 - Everything hinges on me pt2

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Here I continue from my previous post. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow tired of having to repeat myself when the person working with me does not get it after repeating myself multiple times, because I realise that I do not want to give someone else instructions in what to do because I want them to SEE what needs to be done in common sense and just do it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction to the person I am working with when they misconstrue the reasons for a certain measure because I feel that they weren't listening to me when I took the time to explain the situation in detail. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards myself for seeing what needs to be done, to move the work ahead - where I want to be like others, who are moving in 'oblivion' expecting someone else to take care after them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret a choice that I have made because I did not investigate thoroughly the ramifications of my choice within common sense but instead listened to my reason, instead of walking the situation through in how it would play out in physical reality, and thus I see, realise and understand where I am acting just as irresponsible as others to whom I react to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself with the belief that I can do anything and everything, that I have no limits, and that I use this belief to motivate myself to do the "impossible" and to make decisions in my mind, rather than from common sense by taking my ideas and applying them to physical reality to first investigate without emotional attachment the consequences that I create, if I were to engage in a particular action. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped myself and tried to investigate whether what I wanted to pursue the "impossible" again, but now I see, realise and, understand that I did so with the emotional attachment of "not wanting to give up". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still experience pride when I get as many things done as possible, which I still operate from 'fear' within my motivation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified my hyper motivation as dealing with exceptional circumstances, where I have to perform on multiple fronts more than 100%

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to drift into my imagination where I am in another life, and where I can finally do all the things that are no longer "a must do". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel exasperated about myself because I have walked this point before and yet I am still encountering some of the same thoughts
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Monday, April 14, 2014

Day 531 - Everything hinges on me pt1

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I have not written in a few weeks  - for the first time since I started writing this blog. I have been very busy with moving. This entailed finding a new place to live in another country and moving from two places, from two other countries. I have probably moved more than 40 times in my life, but this one was a rather big endeavour. At the same time, I had/have a similar situation at work, where I am writing the biggest proposal I have ever been involved in, and I am one of the main contributors. I have been working around the clock.

Not writing myself out during this time has accumulated thoughts within me that give me a sense of being mentally bloated.  This accumulation has reinvoked 'old' patterns. Though, I have been able to listen to interviews during my long drive to work every day, which has supported me during this time.

For everything to run smoothly which it did and did not, I had to take mega responsibility for others as well as myself. In the course of this step, I felt often left to my devices, though not from the point of being unable to do the jobs that were required of me but rather just from the perspective I am one person and required to be in multiple places. I grew resentful towards a particular person for not picking up some of the work, which did not help the situation.

Often, I feel trapped in a situation where I see the responsibilities involved and all the dependencies yet there the person working with me, does not see it and so I have to put them on notice to avoid consequences. What I desire is to be working with someone who sees what needs to be done and just does his or her share. Whenever I work with others in this way, things move so well.  But in the former case, I am left with having to do my share as well as the other person's share where I allow myself to create backchat and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I am no one's mother and that persons I am close to are responsible for learning to become functional, so that they are not a burden to their environment, wherein I realise that I have a matching behaviour that allows the person to let go of their responsibility and rely on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand my own behaviour where I take responsibility for tasks that should be done by another because I want to prevent the consequences that will come about when the tasks is left undone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reverted to wanting to escape from dealing with that person, who is not sharing the work load,  instead of stopping myself and finding a solution that works for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my own areas within my personalities where I don't want to take responsibility because I see, realise and understand that the situation is a reflection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see my own areas within my personalities where I don't want to change so that I don't have to identify myself with "the one that takes responsibility".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use "taking responsibility" as a label to identify myself where I have purpose and feel useful in the world, and where I don't have to look beyond the surface of myself to see who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use "taking responsibility" as a mechanism of avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for my programs but rather engage in resentful backchat so that I can justify not having to change.

to be continued


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Monday, March 24, 2014

Day 530 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt13

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Commitment statements for Day 524




I commit myself to work, or continue to work, on the courage character, the confidence character and the stubborn character, by writing and/or sounding self-forgiveness. 

I commit myself to stop suppressing thoughts in relation to my fear of exposure by slowing myself down and to prepare myself in the following manner. I have now learned to recognise within myself when I am suppressing a thought by having identified the ‘blank slate” mechanism. When and as I enter the fear of exposure and or fear of betrayal, and I slow myself down and when the thought just disappears, I flag the situation for myself and write myself out, at a point in time when it is convenient. 

I commit myself to redefine the word ‘weak’. 


I commit myself to turn my awareness inside of myself when I am about to interact in typical situations where my fear of exposure arises and and practice observing my solar plexus from within me so that I can stop myself from participating in the energy.

I commit myself to attend to my fear of betrayal more carefully which I have not done sufficiently because unlike the fear of exposure the fear of betrayal comes up after the situation is completed, and I have not yet seen how I build up the energy from within me. 

This completes all commitment statements in this series.


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Friday, March 21, 2014

Day 529 -Two sides of a coin: Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt12

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Here I continue with the commitment statements in relation to day 522

I commit myself to learn to breathe in the moment of backchat about my perceived short comings where I limit myself by believing that my backchat is more than me. 

I commit myself to stop any ideas about what I can or cannot do with my backchat and do not make my backchat dependent on the content where I believe that when my backchat is focussed on my negative self-definitions or on self-criticism then I am dealing with a special case of backchat that is more difficult to deal with than other backchat. 

I commit myself to stop trying to live up to the picture in my mind, the mental picture I have of myself so that I no longer have to compare my lived reality and my performance in it to the mental picture - so that I no longer have to hide what I perceive as discrepancy between the picture in my mind and the reality, as I perform in it. 

I commit myself that in the moment when I am acting from my automated 'fear of exposure' program that I slow myself point down so that I can identify what triggers that behaviour - and so that I can stop myself permanently from going into panic mode when I fear being discovered. 

I commit myself to identify and release all shame in relation to the memory of my father taking pictures of me in private situations and during moments of punishment

I commit myself to identify and release my parents' judgement of me that I have internalised.


more on day 523

I commit myself to that I will work through my programs in relation to my parents so that I can come to a point where I stop blaming them for my experience.

I commit myself to make use of the realisations I've had about my father's fear of shame by stopping my automated judgment of him.

I commit myself to end my "courage" personality that I use to compensate for the fear of shame.

I commit myself to walk through the program of pride where I direct myself from pride instead of directing myself from common sense.


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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Day 528 - Two sides of a coin: Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt11

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Here I continue with commitment statements on Day 521

I commit myself to release the energetic charge from when I see my body naked where I automatically judge parts of my body in polarisation which is pattern I have activated through thememory of my mother standing in front of the mirror and looking at her body, while commenting about its positive and negative traits and me believing that I have to do this too when I grow up. 

I commit myself to stop all thoughts that arise about my body as a project-in-progress and release all energetic charges where I want to hide my body because I believe that it is imperfect

I commit myself to stop determining from my mind whether I talk about an event to others who I am not close to, so that I stop making decisions from the starting point of fear of exposure. 

I commit myself to share what needs to be shared with others from common sense and not from a belief that what I share can be ‘used against me’.

I commit myself to share what needs to be shared with others without judgement about my abilities, where I stop all self-diminishment by passing a negative judgement on my abilities. 

I commit myself to stop all safety mechanisms that I have attached to the fear of exposing myself to others, where I use this fear to encourage the belief that when I hide myself I am safe. 

When and as I fear betrayal in a situation, I take the time to write out the situation and further write self-forgiveness on the most prominent emotions that come, and then look at the information and decide from there how to move forward. I commit myself to catch my fear of betrayal when it arises. 

I commit myself to stop the program of hiding myself from others because I realise that it is a gateway to all kinds of acceptances and allowances as this fear becomes the starting point for my actions. 

I commit myself to work through my backchat in self-forgiveness so that I stop using my backchat about my perceived inadequacy to make decisions. 
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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Day 527 - Two sides of a coin: Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt10

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IT IS NOT OK TO HUMILIATE ANYONE, INCLUDING ANIMALS




Here I continue with self-commitment statements on day 520 


I commit myself to move myself through and out of the program of creating a fear when I am addressed by anyone in relation to bringing my skills as contribution to a project. When and as I am in a moment where a request or mention of my skills surfaces, I breathe and slow myself down, I stay focussed on my breath and do not allow the words to trigger a physical reaction within me. At the same time, I suspend all self-talk that I am not able to do what is requested of me because I see, realise and understand that this is merely a belief I use to avoid to take responsibility for being successful. 

I commit myself to stop all avoidance tactics including the belief of being a fraud because I fear moving myself into the arena of success, therefore I commit myself to take responsibility to accept success as me, equal and one. 

I commit myself to stop attaching fears to the statement you can never have enough skills so that I use the fear to motivate myself to learn new skills. 

I commit myself to release all energetic dimensions from the thought/memory where my father interacts with me as a child where I hold an object in my hand and I am investigating this object and my father takes it out of my hand telling me “that’s not how you do it”. Here, I further commit myself to release all links I have made from the memory to the words: insecurity, inadequacy, and pressure by redefining the words. 

I commit myself to release all energetic dimensions of the belief that I have been lucky so far and that all my achievements have been are the result of some lucky circumstances, because I do not want to take responsibility for success. 

I commit myself to stop all self-manipulation mechanisms within me in relation to success where I dismiss other people’s acknowledgement of my efforts through compliments and other factors of acknowledgement as lies and spend my time looking for the motif of the lie so that i can keep myself trapped within the failure construct. 

I commit myself to stop all self-sabotage in relation to ‘having professional success’ and investigate myself in my current situation, as I am now starting a new 7-year cycle, so that I stop all sabotage and manipulation in the opportunities that are awaiting me to experience professional success. 

I commit myself to release all energetic dimensions in relation to the memory of my mother standing in front of the mirror and evaluating her body negatively, pointing out the areas and aspects that she does not like and that she would like to change, and me, as a child, standing by and experiencing myself awkwardly.


to be continued


My redefinition of the word “success”:


The outcome of a collection of tasks that completes every dimension of each subtask to the point of equality which amounts in physical reality to what is best for all. 

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Day 526 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust p9

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Humiliation in advertisement


Self-commitment statements on day 519

I commit myself to stop placing my focus on others because I realise that this is the starting point for me to maintain the programme of fear of betrayal and focus solely on myself and the relationship that I have with myself. 

I commit myself to let go of my programme of hiding myself by further investigating why I believe that I must exist in the self-judgement of weakness and strength.

I commit myself to release myself from identifying myself with humiliation and forgive my father as I have forgiven myself for having taking pictures of me as a young child in situations where I was punished and situations that are considered private. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand, and then release, all memories in relation to fear of exposure and the belief that I am inferior. 

When and as I enter into situation where I compare myself to someone else I stop and breathe, I realise that it is through comparison I kick-start the programme of self-judgement, and this is why I commit myself to stop all comparison in the first place. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory and hold on to it of my mother who is telling me how another child is doing something so well, and that I can learn from them and me reacting to her statement in anger because I see, realise and understand that I wanted her to accept me and I wanted her criticism of me to stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory and hold on to it where my father is impressed by another child reacting to the child's achievement in a way that he never reacted to my achievements and me experiencing myself as inferior. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand the relationship between the memories of my parents admiring achievement and skill in others, especially other children, and how this relates to my fear of exposure specifically when it is about my skills. 

I commit myself to eradicate inferiority in my life by rendering myself aware of all memories and releasing all memories that hold the programme of inferiority in place. 

I commit myself to redefine the word fraud.
[Continue reading...]
 
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