The context of this series:
Since I have been in research group B, I had to walk through a few constructs such as: giving up on myself as my expectations for a better work environment were shattered, feeling sorry for myself because of the circumstances, seeing myself as the victim of the situation and dealing with fear of the future because I believed that was no longer building my career as a researcher. Looking back on the past seven months I managed to move myself out of these constructs and I also devised a plan in how to use the situation to benefit me so that I could grow and expand professionally.
Now the situation has shifted because the dean has put me directly on one of the projects were I am collaborating with Mr. F. Therefore the moments of friction have been increasing. I see that I am posing a threat to him and that his reactions are strong, sometimes explosive. When he does not like something I say or do he tries to intimidate me. There is a need on his part to control me. I have been told that in the past he has displayed these behaviours with selective people and that they have eventually left the university.
In the past 7 months I have worked somewhat with my relationship to him as well. But only in situational cases because I had so minimal contact with him. Now there is certainly no more room to withdraw and avoid dealing with Mr. F, I have to take the situation head on. Even though I realise that he is reacting out of fear, I have been unable to stop my reactions and attitude towards him. In my mind, I am seeing myself as superior to him because of my work background and my experience. I realise that I have constructed this mindset to protect myself from his intimidation tactics. When he reacts to me I react to him in anger which I suppress but I will let him know how I see the situation. When looking at the previous years in how I would have reacted in a similar situation, it looks like I have gone from inferiority to superiority - the other end of the spectrum of polarisation.
I would like to get to the stage where I can stand as his support and assist him, where I am no longer reacting in anger inside of myself. I want to be able to direct the situation without experiencing myself in separation to him because I take his behaviour personally. In short I want to walk out of the separation within this relationship.