Monday, September 1, 2014

Day 551 "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 3

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In this post I continue with the point of feeling uncomfortable about declining to help another. In the previous post I left of with redefining the word "no"and in this post I continue by redefining the word "yes". 

"yes"

Dictionary definition:

- used to express affirmation or assent or to mark the addition of something emphasizing and amplifying a previous statement

- an affirmative reply


sound the word:


yhhh - sounds like an onomatopoeia that is irksome


es - sounds bit like ice


Experience of the word:


In the previous post I saw that speaking the word "yes" in relation to myself produces a reaction within me, a resistance to give something to myself. Again, I have automated myself to say "yes" to other people without considering the consequences of saying "yes" and how they affect my life. This is part of the "pleasing others program" I have dealt with in previous posts. 


Redefinition of the word:

The word "yes" signals a decision to a question where the path that is opened up by the question is continued. 

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to experience myself saying "yes" to my external world whereby I feel comfortable and  delighted, and that I have further programmed myself to feel uncomfortable saying "yes" to things concerning myself and therefore rarely allow myself to say "yes" to myself. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by polarising myself with the external and internal world of my life, and have used the words yes/no to create this separation within myself. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the words "yes" and "no" emotional charges so that I can use the words to run the program of wanting to be liked/appreciated by others, and also run the program of self-judgement and self-punishment, in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given "yes" a positive charge when the question concerns others and not myself, and in relation to myself I have charged "yes" negatively when the questions centres on me deciding about something for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to want to automatically respond to questions asked by others in an affirmative manner instead of standing back and evaluating the scope of the question in that I walk the time line to understand the consequences of what my answer "yes" or "no" would entail.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that if I answer someone's question asked in relation to me with a "yes" that I am open-minded, caring, and well-meaning and with this belief have separated myself from the question and from the words open-minded, well-meaning and caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said "yes" to a situation and only later realised the consequences that I have created for myself and then regretted my answer.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said "no" to a situation and only later realised the consequences that I have created for myself and then regretted the answer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my superior/inferior programs to express these programs within the words yes/no.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience giving to myself with resistance which manifests when I speak the word "yes" in relation to what I give to myself. 


[Continue reading...]

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Day 550 "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 2

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In this post I follow up on my previous post where I talked about feeling uncomfortable when I decline helping another. 

The main realisation I had was that saying "No"as a best-for-all response triggered me feeling less than someone else and in turn triggered thoughts related to not being good enough


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "no" as a trigger for experiencing myself as less than someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "no" to limit myself because I allow myself to go into self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "no" comfortably when I am seeing myself as superior to the situation and to try to avoid using the word "no" when I am seeing myself as inferior to the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have polarised myself into "yes" and "no" and exist within with "yes" and "no" in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined "yes" as good, accepting, friendly and kind and have defined "no" as bad, limiting, mean and rejecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards letting go of the definitions and beliefs surrounding the words "yes" and "no".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss when letting go of the definitions and beliefs of the words "yes" and "no" when constructing my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a physical reaction to the words yes/no where I feel a lightness in my chest area when speaking the word "yes" and I feel a contracting sensation in the area of my intestines. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine pictures of lightness when I speak the word "yes" - such as sunshine, blossoming flowers, pastel colours and soft shapes and pictures of darkness when I speak the word "no" - such as night time, thunder, sirens, rain, flooding and death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to default with with the word "yes" to another's question in reaction to my father who always answered my questions with "no".

Redefinition of the words "yes" and "no".


"no"

dictionary definition: 

a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request

sounding the word:

nnnnh - as in maybe, undecided 
ohhhh - as in astonishment

Experience of the word:
Generally I don't feel comfortable speaking the word "no" in relation to someone's question, but there are a few situations when speaking "no" in response to a question comes forth very clearly. With the word "no" I am usually thinking more of the consequences that could follow from saying "no" to someone. Though, I don't have reactions when saying "no" to myself. A realisation here is that 
saying "no" to myself is much easier than saying "yes" to myself. When saying "yes" to myself, I am again looking more towards the consequences, which I don't experience when saying "no" to myself.

Redefinition of the word "no":

The word "no" signals a decision to a question where the path that is opened up by the question is not continued. 
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Day 549 - "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 1

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In this post I am deconstructing a pattern which I encountered a few days ago.

I am asked to participate in supporting/helping someone but my schedule is already quite full and I am unable to support the other due to time constraints. My reaction in this situation is that I feel inferior to the situation and to the person asking me for assistance. I feel ‘bad’ because I cannot accommodate another and I have the urge to somehow communicate to them the extend to which I am already booked so that there can be no doubt that I am speaking the truth.

The way I communicate in this situation is with an unstable voice and with timid gestures. The fact that I am uncomfortable comes through in how I place my words where I am evading to give a straight "no" answer.

When I ask myself what is this fear, an old memory comes up again. A memory I have been looking at in self-forgiveness multiple times but obviously have not yet uncovered all the dimensions surrounding this memory. 

So the pattern is that I fear others don’t believe me when I decline helping/supporting because furthermore I have programmed myself to automatically say ‘yes’ when I am asked for help. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the emotional charge of the memory involving my parents and a bunch of children from the street of our neighbourhood where I grew up. The group of children, who used me a scapegoat for a broken window, followed me home to speak to my parents and falsely accused me of having broken the window. Once the children had involved my parents they believed the words of the children instead of my words proclaiming my innocence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my parents responsible for the emotional charge that I experienced in this moment where I felt cornered by the children and expected my parents to save me from the children by recognising my innocence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a belief within myself where when someone asks me for help, I go into automated behaviour where my default answer is “yes” without further considering the consequences that I am creating for myself and so I compromise myself in order to help the other person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified the belief that I have to be available to help another or feel bad about not helping because I fear that when I need help no one is there to help me, and so by having this belief that as long as I help others, I will be helped as well, I calm myself down in my fear that when I need help I am left to my own devices. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the experience of feeling abandoned by my parents to create a fear within myself that if I do not help others at all times I risk being abandoned again. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not believe me and that this will diminish my chances of being liked by another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to a belief that I must accumulate credits in another so that I am liked and so that others will help me when I am in need of help and support. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automatic response when others address me with a question of support, where I use the question to trigger this program, instead of slowing myself down and looking at the request in detail to determine what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a picture where I am standing alone in the rain completely wet, and cold to the bone, alone and abandoned, and so I fear that this picture will become my reality if I don’t respond with ‘yes’ to another’s request for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from everyone else and that I must earn my oneness through my participation and interaction with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that I must earn my keep which I programmed myself with when I was a child where I tried to please my parents in order to avoid their anger and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to have a sense of value when I earn this value through my actions that I perform which makes it possible for others to assess me through my actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that this belief having to earn oneness has compromised me to believe that I am inferior to others and that the path of equality is something I have to prove to others through my actions.
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Day 548 - more on ego @work - point c.

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In this post I continue from what I summarised on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work
c. Dislike of the professor and regret for having addressed him with my idea. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. in terms of disliking him,  when I see, realise and understand that what i dislike is that he does not react in ways that I want him to react, where I feel comfortable within my preprogrammed design, and so that I can move forward with the project and I have someone who will take more responsibility regarding the tasks involved, in writing the various parts of the project that I believe are difficult to write. 

When and as I see that I have resistance to something I stop right there and within this example I see that I could have cleared myself from the resistance before I went to talk to the prof. because I was aware that I had gone into resistance and thus the situation unfolded as it did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. because I want someone else to take most responsibility for the writing of the section that I fear to write because I believe that this is unknown territory for me and because it is not my research area I would probably miss obvious connections that are instrumental to producing a successful application. 

I see, realise and understand that this project idea requires several areas  of expertise and that I cannot embody them all and within that I realise further that I can stand within the idea without fear and continue patiently with my search for other collaborators. I commit myself to use this project as opportunity to step by step walk out of the fears that arise, and move myself gently forward and stop all expectations as to a successful assembly of a consortium for the proposal writing process.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the project is indeed a collaborative effort where several expertise come together, and that there is no need for me to develop a fear and thus judge others because they do not respond to me in the way that assures me that they will fill the void regarding the parts of the project I am unfamiliar with. 

I commit myself to release all judgements and dislikes and see, realise and understand that what I judged is myself because I, in dishonesty, I did not clear my fears. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret addressing the prof because i feel shame that we did not click and that I did not present myself in a better light - meaning that I see myself as failure in the way I have made contact with him. 

When and as I have another thought of shame come up, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that this is my own making that I interpret someone else's behaviour so that I can experience myself in shame.

[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Day 547 - more on ego @work - point b.

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I continue working through the fears that came up from my interactions at work which I have outlined on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work


b. Fear of having created an "enemy" because of my straightforwardness and not submitting to the rules


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted that I can be rejected by others because I give myself permission to do so, and through this acceptance have allowed myself to fear that I have done something bad/wrong/false when I interpret another's reactions from the point of a potential rejection, and so believe that through my words and actions I deserve that another can consider me his or her enemy. 

When and as I have a moment where I am 'feeling rejected' I stop myself and breathe, and I look at the situation why I am feeling this way and then release with all my being myself from the situation. I commit myself to proceed like this until I stand free from the interpreting another's response from the starting point of "a potential rejection". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the feeling of rejection comes first and then I try to mentally reason in my backchat why this feeling of rejection is accurate and why there can be no doubt that the other is intending to reject me with this actions and/or non-action. 

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop the feeling as it comes up and go deeper in my self-forgiveness so that I can understand the trigger points that have automated the rejection response. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to suffer when I believe that another rejects me, I see, realise and understand that this split of myself within myself where I am separated into pieces where part of me is looking to be accepted by others in the world, and the other parts within me want to be whole. 

When and as I am at the stage of suffering because I have separated myself from the world and from others, i stop and breathe, I accept that this is a mind technology that I have come to believe and I stop. I simply stop believing that i can ever be separate from anything and see, realise and understand that separation occurs in the mind only, and that through the focus on my mind, I am actually bringing about separatist actions in the world. 

I commit myself to stop all emotional suffering and to stop the habit of suffering because I see, realise and understand that suffering is a place of comfort which I have known from my childhood - so I commit myself to let go of my childhood once and for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this split, neglect myself based on a memory that I hold onto where I identify myself with my childhood, and where I believe that I am more comfortable suffering because that is what I know from childhood, than stopping to identify myself with the "feeling of rejection" which is what I use to instantiate my suffering.

When and as I am seeking to identify myself with my childhood, I stop and breathe, I am here and I remain here, I see realise and understand that identity is a construct, it is not real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a personality where sympathise with the underdog, with those who suffer in the world, because I believe that I suffer emotionally and that I know what it is like, but not allowing myself to see in this context that I am responsible for my suffering just as all are responsible for the world of suffering that we have created collectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to constitute a self that is unwavering, stable at all times, gentle breathing, seeing, realising and understanding 'equalness' with all that is here. 

I commit myself to stop the chaotic and emotional ways that I accept in my life as me, and step by step, implement ways to bring stability in my life beyond what I have managed to stabilise within and without at this point in time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself in self-interest where I become blind to the solution of situations in my world because I have trapped myself in emotion so that I divert myself in suffering and remain stagnate within myself because I have not yet, in absolute terms, let go of my self-identification. 

I commit myself to release with all my being of the self-identification that I carry around within me, and within this post I give myself permission to release with all my being the habit of feeling comfort in emotional suffering. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to how i have identified myself from my experience and memories of my childhood, and the belief that there is more value in suffering than completely letting go of suffering and recreating myself anew. 

I commit myself to instead of going into a state of suffering, I immediately find a solution for the situation, which here in relation to the prof. would be that I move on and look for other people to join my team and I clearly communicate to the prof. my intentions in consideration of the kind of relationship I have with him.  
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Day 546 - more on ego @work - point a.

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In this post I am continuing on my previous topic, and here I am looking at the first point in self-honesty:

a. Fear of my idea being appropriated by a professor who will not give me credit. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my interaction with the prof as negative where I proposed my idea and have used this negativity to further justify my fear that he will use my idea and develop a proposal with others who are already part of his network and are more valuable to him. 

I commit myself to stop my imagination and fears about the prof being dishonest with me, which reflects my own dishonesty and stop my fears about his next step and instead I stay here in breath and do what I would like the other to do by making a list for myself of the types of qualities I would appreciate in a collaboration and at the same time assess the situation with the prof. as it develops in the physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created attachment to the project idea, even though I realise that this is delusional because any idea is available to anyone as all ideas are nothing more than programs that run in our minds.

I commit myself to release and let go of the attachment that I have created towards the project idea, because I realise that I have programmed myself in this way due to memories which I have used to create a lack of self-value, and so I realise that this point of letting go of my attachment is my responsibility, to end this program, so that I can create an acceptable and equal starting point for myself within this situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown personalities of this prof because I believe that there is a potential that he will work towards getting recognition for the project where I stand in the background and will not get rewarded even though the project is my idea. 

I commit myself to stop my imagination in how the interaction with the prof will play out because I realise that I use my interaction to create an energy-scenario on the basis of my fear and interact with him from fear, which I realise is resonantly present and thus will influence and shape my interaction with him. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still operate from the memory of my mother preferring my brother and caring for my brother and giving him more attention than me - because I compared myself to my brother and through this comparison I judged myself as having less value to my parents.

I commit myself to find all the dimension of this memory and release them and to focus establishing value onto myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i need to be in competition with others to get recognition just as I was with my brother when I was a child where I tried to do things that my parents would be proud of so that I would get their recognition. 

When and as I am in the situation where the fear of loss comes up, I stop my thoughts and breathe, I will not allow myself to enter into the thought because I realise that this thought is my own dishonesty to keep me trapped in the ego point of seeking recognition for self-validation. I commit myself to value myself as self, equal and one to the physical existence and stop myself from competing for recognition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be stuck in fear of loss about something that I don’t even have - as with this project- and realise I cannot even create on my own where I need other people to collaborate with me. 

If and when I want to give up on myself and the situation, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to create backchat, instead I stop and breathe and bring myself here. I ‘reset’ my starting point, and push myself to engage - giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in how I relate to another by using the fear of loss and fear of betrayal as mechanisms of self-limitation.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand how I use fear - the fear of others, the fear of loss - and the need and desire to be recognised by others for my value - to limit myself and to also limit my relationships with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear as my starting point manipulates my interactions with the prof.

I commit myself to become aware in all ways how I create my outer world at the university. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inside of myself, a sense of ‘holding’ on to what I believe is mine, namely the idea, where I sense this holding on in my body when I speak about the idea with someone I don’t trust where I get a physical reaction of retraction in my body 

When and as I speak about the idea I stop focussing on my external world, I take a breath first to center myself and then talk about the idea to myself, I will not allow myself to use projection in that I respond to the other, in how I perceive the other, but instead I speak for myself as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where I see myself as innovative and creative and therefore I allow my actions to uphold the picture of being innovative and creative which I believe makes me special and ‘valuable’ in the world - not realising that this value is a monetary value that I am pursuing and I identify with, for example, being able to attract research money with my idea. 

I commit myself to stop my ego and any belief that I am innovative and creative and to identify myself with these traits and commit myself further to stop my inferiority and superiority to creativity and innovation and stand as equal to both. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief of being innovative and creative to - in actuality - block my creativity, because I limit the flow of myself expression since it has to first be filtered and approved by my mind as innovative and creative. 

I commit myself to recognise this point of having blocked my creativity, which I am aware of but I have denied myself working through this program because I have not seen it as important and because I have not been living to my utmost potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be recognised by the external world for being a creative and innovative person and have used this desire to motivate myself. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand what underpins this desire so that I can stop it and stand equal to creativity and innovation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not yet recognised myself and this is why I desire the recognition of others - because only when others see my value I can see the value of myself.

I commit myself to keep working on the point of self-recognition and stop believing that I have already written much on it and that I should be done with it. I see, realise and understand that there are many dimensions to this point and I stop projecting an ‘end’ to this point because I see that this is the voice of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still operate from the memory of my mother and father not appreciating me the way I would have wanted to be appreciated, and therefore program myself to do things from the starting point and motivation to ‘win’ my parents recognition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used creativity and innovation to create a relationship with the desire for recognition by others and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dishonesty between creativity and innovation with the desire to receive recognition by others. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand the dimensions of this relationship in all its detail and release these dimensions so that i can establish an equal and one relationship between innovation and desire with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know where the thought “he wants to steal my idea” comes from because I do not allow myself to recall the memory that I used to program myself in this way and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use paranoia to situations with negative consequences so that I can keep my paranoia and keep existing in the way I have programmed myself. 

When and as I feel the thought “he wants to steal my idea” creep up from within me, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to get into a paranoia state but instead I realise the true nature of this thought and stop participating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory from many years ago where I was in a situation where I wanted to collaborate with others on an idea but was paranoid that the person would use my idea to gain notoriety and thus I sabotaged the situation so that I ended up not being able to collaborate at all. 

I commit myself to use the current situation to transform this paranoia and walk out of the fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a physical experience when the thought comes up that the prof can steal my idea where i feel restricted in my chest area and my torso contracts as if I am disappearing inside a black hole. 

I commit myself to stop abusing my body by learning to breathe here in awareness, and focus myself on my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat after I talked with the prof because I fear that I cannot trust him, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the behaviour of the prof and use this judgement to respond with distrust. 

I commit myself to stop my self-judgement because I see, realise and understand that as long as self-judgement exists, I also judge others and create backchat that I use to ‘run’ my programs in response. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worst case scenario where I put a lot of work into the project and gain zero benefit from it. 

When and as I perform an action in the world I learn to do it as self-movement without motivation or a thought, such as “what’s in it for me, but instead I do from the point of equality, and by working in this manner I allow and enable myself to satisfy all parts of me instead of compromising myself for my job, to achieve and manifest my belief that I must give more than myself to ensure that I benefit from the work and that I have earned this benefit. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is a likely scenario and this is why my fear is justified. 

When and as I use reason to convince myself that something that I believe is true, I stop, because I realise that any thought I have is not real, it cannot be real because it stems from my programmed mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to create expectations of betrayal by the prof. when this is part of my own history couched in the memories of my childhood and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the memory instead of looking at things in reality. 

When and as I am creating expectations about my interactions with others at work, I stop and breathe, and investigate the root of these expectations so that I am in the position to see how I have programmed myself and let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the prof. in complete automation because i believe that I did not 'click' with him, thereby not realising that we did not 'click' because I reacted to his words by interpreting them as an alarm signal that I must be careful and not allow myself to trust him.

I commit myself to push myself to the point where I stop all reactions to another's words and actions, and I remain here breathing. When and as I find myself reacting to another's words, I stop and breathe, and immediately shift my focus onto my breath and only talk when I have cleared myself. 
[Continue reading...]

Friday, July 11, 2014

Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work

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So I am facing another peculiar situation at work. After finishing my recent proposal, I have another project proposal that I am now starting to shop around. In the first instance, I took my idea to a professor at my university. This is a different approach because for my last proposal writing effort, no one else from my university was involved, all my collaborators where from other universities.


When I started to investigate who would be suitable for the project idea two people recommended a professor to me whose line of research fits with what I would like to do, and this was confirmed when I studied his profile. Now, I have never met this guy before and so anything could have happened and did. I did not prepare myself from the starting point of "what if….?" Because I did not want to create a negative or positive attitude within myself instead I manipulated myself with this thought:  "how bad could it be, I am bringing an idea to him - that's the mana of each professors' existence".


And when we finally met almost two weeks ago, we clashed...

It turned out that he was hired into a new chair at the university and that he is eager to show what he can do now. After a few minutes of talking with him, I realised that he would go quite far to make sure he gets the most credit out of the project.

Our life trajectories are also pretty much in opposition, he has stayed within in a 100km radius of the small place where he was born and has always worked in the vicinity. I, on the other hand, have lived all over the world and have lived in places that are quite tolerant what concerns traditions and rules. 


I explained to him that I see us equals in this endeavour if he chooses to collaborate with me and from his answers I saw that he did not agree because to him I could not be an equal as I am not a professor. I then tried to explain to him that my life prior to academia has to be taken into consideration and that I am not an unexperienced researcher because my professional trajectory prior to academia is tightly related to my research topic and so I bring a lot of experience to the project.  


With this and some other experiences I finally realised that I was like a fish in a different water at this university. Where I had studied and lived prior to coming to the current place of employment - those were "modern" places, where professors where not seen as someone 'untouchable',  they had open doors, and I was treated like a person not like a title. 


Where I work now, it's a bit like going back 70 years in time, professors don't even say hello to those who are not professors, regardless of other credentials or experiences these people might have. There are many "unspoken" rules in what someone in my position can and cannot do. 


I realise that I was actually quite fortunate initially when I came to the university, because through my research unit switch I now see the difference, now that I am part of the faculty.   In my prior research unit, I was at an independent centre that is loosely connected to the university and operates a bit more like US and UK universities. There I already noticed a difference but dismissed it as unimportant because it did not affect my basic communication.  If I had not dismissed it I could have paid more attention to the rules and maybe figured out what they are. 


So at this stage, I am facing myself in a few ways:


a. Fear of my idea being appropriated by a professor who will not give me credit. 
b. Fear of having created an enemy because of my straightforwardness and not submitting to the rules. 
c. Dislike of the professor and regret for having addressed him with my idea.
d. Dislike of the university environment because it is so outdated and backwards.
e. The desire to leave instead of staying put and working through the points.
f. A kind of in limbo state about what to do, whether I should proceed with finding partners outside of the university or just write out the points with this professor and pursue the idea with him further. 


ad f. Yesterday I have sent him an email for a follow-up meeting and if he does not respond then I have to make a decision on what to do.


In my next post, I will work on the self-forgiveness to release myself from the constraints and self-limitations and see where the root of my 'evil' stems from. 



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