Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Day 577 - Releasing memories with positive feelings pt1

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I recently listened to Eqafe interviews and several of them opened up the point of memories charged with positive feelings. Immediately I had some memories come up and here they are....


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I was hired for my first job,  I was experiencing an upgrade of myself because of this job and because of the direction this job was going to take me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to upgrade myself in my daily life. As I am directing myself daily, I look to see where I can upgrade myself daily in my behaviour, in particular when I get to emotional states where I judge myself, I decide to upgrade myself by working through the emotion with self-forgiveness and letting them go. I then breathe and slow myself down by making myself aware of my thoughts and in that moment place my awareness into my chest region and let go of the self-judgement. 
I upgrade myself in this way on a daily basis and walk the self-correction of the emotions I have let go of. 
I commit myself to upgrade myself daily by fine-tuning my awareness so that I notice even the most subtle of self-judgements and I let them go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling of having been given a new beginning through when I got my first job out of school and have made this event the reason to feel positive about myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have given myself a new beginning in my daily life as me as the who I am but have attached a new beginning to the positive experience of having been hired in my first job.  I direct myself to give myself a new beginning in my daily life and by aligning myself in the morning to walk the day in awareness and release myself from self-judgements as they come and remain strong throughout the day so that I can change in the moment. I commit myself to see every day as a new beginning where I can increase my self-awareness and dedicate myself to quantifying my process by changing in the moment. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced feeling safe when I received the news I was hired in my first job and here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to feel safe on an daily as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in feeling safe within me because I have attached safety to a positive experience and have attached this feeling to being hired my first job as well as as other experiences such as submitting my professional work and when I received christmas present as a child - all of these memories I have attached the positive feeling of safety.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel safe by placing myself consciously into my relationship with self on a daily basis as the who I am but instead make safety dependent on external events. When and as I am facing this pattern where I feel safe when something happens in my life that i have labelled as good, I stop and breathe and place my hand on my chest to reconnect with my safety of self. I commit myself to practice this behavioural change in my life until the positive feeling of safety is completely released. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive feeling of lightness exist within me in relation to a memory when I got hired for my first job out of school. I forgive myself that I have made lightness a positive feeling that I have attached to events instead of having lived lightness as me as the "who I am”. Today I realise that I can make lightness part of my daily life in that I breathe deeply and appreciate all the opportunities in my day where I can move myself from self instead of moving myself from positive energy. When and as I am experiencing self-limitations where I am looking at the heavy side of things, I stop and breathe and bring lightness back into my body by placing my awareness into my body and remind myself that this process is about walking out of my emotional attachments - and this is how I commit myself to incorporate lightness into daily life. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the memory of opening up presents on christmas eve where I created a positive feeling towards the presents and the act of receiving presents - in that I experienced myself as receiving a reward.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used this feeling of being rewarded to define me and have sought out ways to replicate this feeling through achievements in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have made reward part of my daily life by living it as the who I am. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and I direct myself to incorporate reward into my daily life as the accumulation of self-awareness in my process where I apply myself to change in the moment. When and as I am wanting to feel positive energy because I receive a reward of sorts, i stop and breathe and I bring myself here in awareness and stop the energy. By doing so I reward myself as accumulating life.

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Saturday, May 9, 2015

Day 576 - My creativity and the dream

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Recently I suggested to my partner to start drawing again, just a few minutes a day, whenever we can. Years ago I very much enjoyed myself in the pursuit of drawing from life and then something happened. As I became more involved with academia I developed this sense that my creativity had dried up. A few years ago at the end of my studies I ventured out into a life drawing session because I always thought that some day I have the time to go back to it. It was a gruesome experience as I was sitting in the session, every one around me busily drawing, the model changing poses, and I could not do anything. It was as if I was suddenly paralysed. I remember being very angry and disappointed. The once comforting life drawing session was no longer a reality, my reality - and I did not understand what had happened in the time span of my last drawing session and the day were I experienced myself stifled and unable to draw.

Then yesterday after our short drawing session, where I felt quite comfortable and relaxed and also enjoyed myself, I had this ominous dream that was so real and so detailed that I actually believed it had happened once I awoke. What I remember is that I dreamt that my hands were cut off, right at the wrists. I had these two stumps left and  I was trying to place my hands back on the stumps - shuffling them around because it was so awkward to be without hands.  There was a friend with me who said to me: You can find a doc and they'll craft those hands back on. I was so uncoordinated navigating with these stumps and I remember from the dream what it felt like. Then once I had placed my hands back onto my wrists, I walked around holding my hands up so that they would not drop on the floor. Whenever someone wanted to touch my hand I would get slightly anxious because the moment they would touch my hand it would just come off again - at least that is what I believed. Throughout the dream I was not very emotional I was merely annoyed about the extra task on my plate of having to find a doctor who could craft my hands back onto my wrists. I was all about bad timing. But again, the experience was physically so convincing that I even felt the tingling in my hands when I shuffled my hands back onto my wrists …..

So what do I make of it….?

I don't have a perspicuous view on this dream tough I do realise that this dream relates to my self-expression. I also realise that I am in the process of changing my approach to creativity - not in the active sense, I have not set out to walk this point with deliberation - rather there is a change happening which has to do with how I see my creative expression. I recall that in the old days I was very critical of my creative products and self-judgement was born out of expectation to achieve in physical reality what I imagined in my mind. I often ended up obsessed working and working to match this mind point with my output - yet the output was meagre and I was frustrated. My expectation of what I ought to produce was attached to the label or picture I had of myself, and I desired to live up to the picture.

I have been working on releasing myself from expectation, though mainly in my relationship. Given the principle that the inner and the outer are reflexive and mutually reciprocally interrelated, releasing myself from expectation in my relationship has also supported me to release myself from expectations that I have placed on myself. I see this dream reflecting this change. My old hands have simply come off, and now I am getting a pair of new hands… and I am in the position to walk a new phase of creativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not dared to be creative (without a purpose) in many years because I have been holding onto the experience I had when I was sitting in the life drawing session where I experienced myself completely paralysed - here I realise that I have used fear and anxiety to shut my creative expression out from my life because I stood as inferior to the situation and did not allow myself to direct myself to a place of equality. Today I am standing as the creative and directive principle and as such I direct myself to walk through any and all remaining self-limitation in relation to my creativity and I use drawing to face myself within the thoughts and judgements that come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached meaning, purpose and recognition to my creativity and undermined the point of enjoyment and self-awareness at the same time, because I have labeled myself as creative and have created an idea and imagination of who I am when I am creative where I have accumulated beliefs and expectations into a program that I would allow myself to exist as when I entered into a creative space that was important to me. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and I release myself from expectations in all areas of my creative life and equalise myself all around so that I stop self-judgement about my creative output.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as not creative enough, as not good enough in my creativity, and have used this self-judgement to limit and trap myself and have made decisions from within this trapped space that I have created for myself. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and as such I direct myself to release the bonds of self-judgement and set myself and my creativity free.

I commit myself to walk these statements in breath and self-awareness.

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Friday, May 1, 2015

Day 575 - Who am I within my personal data when signing up for Airbnb

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Today I was preparing for a meeting. It's important that I get there relaxed and so instead of riding on the train for 6 hours straight and then go into an 8 hour meeting, I decided to break down my journey. I opted for staying overnight in the city where I have to change trains. As I was looking for an inexpensive hotel, I could literally find nothing that was in the neighbourhood of the train station. So I took the road of crowd sourcing and signed up for Airbnb. This is not the first time I have gone this road a few years back, just when Airbnb came to Europe I took advantage of it in a similar vein staying overnight somewhere on the way to the airport.

As I signed up, I was asked to upload my passport, the main page that is. I also had to state other detailed information to complete my profile, and it felt like I was being scrutinised already guilty for something that I had not done yet.  I reacted because I experienced this request for personal data as a form of violation. Yet at the same time, I understand that precautions have to be put in place because of people's unpredictable behaviour as well as their pretence about who they are and what they want from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to hand over my personal data because I see that there is a belief that I am better than others and that I would never 'do' anything bad in relation to my potential host. I realise that I require to direct myself in this matter and that this digital security "mechanism" is what is best for all at the moment because humanity is not trustworthy. I realise that I am walking my process towards this change to be able to respect life, living and earth, and I recognise that within the group of humanity I am no exception but the norm. As such I commit myself to accept what I have created in participation with others and move myself to change and push for a life of equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this point of experiencing anger when I have to hand over personal data to a digital application has to do with me, and only with me and here I commit myself to look into my life where I am not yet accepting 100%responsibility for what I have created because I see that this anger reflects a point within me where I have not taken full responsibility for myself and thus want to blame an external entity for my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view personal data as something that is "sacred" and that should not get into the wrong hands which I interpret to be the government and governmental agencies. Here I realise that I am showing to myself that identification with personal data as me. I realise that I need to be operating in the context of this world and that data protection is an issue that requires direction though within this I also realise that I can do this without reactions by directing myself. As I am standing as the self-directive principle, I direct myself within this situation from the starting point of common sense and what is best for all, where I recognise the context of this world for what it is, and I also recognise that personal data is merely data and does not define me. I commit myself to make my choices/decisions about the relationship of my personal data and my digital interactions from this starting point. 



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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Day 574 - the 200 year old chair

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A while back my partner and I bought four chairs that are 200 years old, we thought they were rather unusual looking. They are made from oak with a delicate, elegant and whimsical design, not the heavy-handed clunky design typically used for of oak wood.These chairs had a lot going for them and we got them for a very good price.  Overall they were in excellent condition with the exception that the previous owner tried to glue each chair underneath the seat where the legs meet the seat, and it was done in the worst possible way. So much so that glue was coming undone and the chairs were quite wobbly to sit on. So we looked for and found a carpenter who specialises in furniture restoration. He was the perfect find. 25 years in business, he has a good eye for style, shape and elegance. He is also located 5 min. from where we live. We had all 4 chairs fixed and on the last chair the backrest had a carved inset that was also glued by a previous owner but that could not be repaired anymore. So the carpenter suggested to recreate/reconstruct the panel and after some deliberation we agreed. It was not a big piece but significantly characteristic for the design of the chair.  His prices were quite reasonable and we calculated that we still had a very good deal even with the repairs


A few days ago we picked up this last chair that required the backrest repair and to our surprise the price had gone up. It was no longer what we arranged over the phone. He told us that it was a lot more work than he thought, which I found hard to believe for someone who has been in business for 25 years and has worked on various project ranging from small to very large scale. But since I did not have any proof of our arrangement, because the whole deal was done verbally and we also paid him cash for it, I could not say anything to his demand. When I walked the time line backwards, I had some realisations as to what happened. 

My acceptances and allowances

I had categorised him as a nice guy with the following beliefs:

"I can trust him" 
"We understand each other"
"He means well"
"He will give me a good deal and he does good work"
"He is so nice he could be a friend"


There was a fear of conflict, because I did notice that much was done too loosely, i.e. the arrangement of the price in the last instance and also the time line when the chairs had to be done. Therefore I did not communicate my needs because of fear of him getting upset and him doing a shitty job (revenge) on the chairs. 


I also had a desire with the following beliefs:

" I want him to do good work"
" I don't want to pay too much"
" I don't want to get ripped off"
" I want this to work out because I don't want to spend more time on getting these chairs repaired"

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorise people when I meet them in order to "know" how I should interact with them instead of interacting with them from within the context without creating any beliefs or ideas about the person. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have categorised Mr. Z as a nice person to make myself feel better and feel safe in my business transactions with him. 
I realise that I am standing as the self-directive principle and as such all people are equal and therefore I stop categorising people because I see how I create beliefs about another and act from the belief instead from the context of what we share. I realise that I cannot know everything about the context and this is why I have to create clarity for myself by interacting and talking to the person so that I can direct and navigate the shared context. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have categorised Mr. Z as honest and have created a belief about him being honest even though I observed him brushing aside the fact that he did not completely touch up the black chairs (which we bought from him earlier), yet I held onto my belief about his honesty and made decisions that ultimately created the consequences of him raising the price on the chair with the reconstructed backrest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give people polarised labels where I do not observe their behaviour in reality but make assumptions as to how they will behave based on the label(memory) I have given them. I commit myself to stop labelling people and stop operating from these labels and keep looking at the context anew every single time I am interacting with the person, so that I can understand the context and how the person relates to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to trust Mr. Z instead of seeing, realising and understanding that trust is about myself and how I navigate the situation in the most effective manner so that it is clear and best for all. I commit myself to steadily walk self-trust where I look at any situation and I develop myself within it, so that I see what I need to do to establish the best possible out come for all. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have created a belief about understanding Zimmermann because where i labelled our communication as "him understanding me", I did not realise that understanding is a) not a static entity and b) cannot be generalised from one topic to the next, but that the process of reaching understanding is an ongoing negotiation between people which requires me to consistently look at the context anew and not make any assumption as well as orient myself on physical reality to create real understanding in every moment of breath. I commit myself to stop believing that I am understood or that I can understand someone as general approach and work towards creating understanding, always applying and moving myself in every breath within the shared context between myself and other people.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Mr. Z means well, a belief I have created on the basis of a conversation with him. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief to structure my interactions with him where I let go of creating a common communication platform, for example writing down the price for the chair and as a consequence I disempower myself and place myself into an inferior position. I realise that I did this because I did not want to take responsibility for my part since I feared conflict if I had placed my demands on him, such as moving from a verbal agreement to a written agreement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified my fear of conflict with a projection that if the situation with him did not work out I would be back to square one and would have to find someone else who probably would be located much further away and this would require me to spend more time on this issues.  I realise I am standing as the self-directive principle and within that direct myself past my fears because I realise that my fears are all smoke and mirrors and a self-limitation that I can push through and dispel by moving myself. I commit myself that in future situations where I project justifications which I cannot substantiate I stop myself and make sure that I am free from reactions first and then I move myself to speak up and so walk through the fear of conflict. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Mr. Z will give me a good deal and that he does good work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used his words to make myself feel special and by feeling special I have placed myself in a superior position where I have believed that he served me with his skill and knowledge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have stood as an equal to Mr. Z and have limited myself by not creating a situation that is best for all. I realise that superiority is a trap which implicates me as I no longer direct myself but operate on a false sense of self trust and assumptions. I commit myself to release myself from superiority/inferiority construct in all ways and push myself to see the context that I am walking in at all times so that I stay connected to physical reality and what is actually here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as I am standing as the self-directive principle I am likely to create conflict or I get rejected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am doing what is best for all, where I am looking at the context as a whole and direct myself from there, I am not pleasing another which I have used to justify my fears, to keep myself locked in fear of conflict. I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to interact from the starting point of fear of loss and fear of rejection and within those fears I try to counteract the fear by adjusting myself in such a way that I appease my own fear and I believe that this would appease another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the fears of rejection and loss real, because I believe that I can gain something from my interlocutor  where this 'something' is rooted in my needs and desires. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whatever the person has, for example with Mr. Z 's restoration skills and proximity to where i live, I can only obtain from that particular person and I have no other options and if that person i.e. Mr. Z rejects me  then I have no way of fulfilling my needs and desires (in relation to the chairs). Here I realise that I also have a fear of scarcity because I believe that besides Mr. Z there is no one else in town who would be able to fix those chairs. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in future projections and create my moment of living from within my future projection.  I realise that I create future projection that I make believable to myself because I do not take responsibility for myself and the situation that I am which means that I work with what is here and that which is unknown does become a part of the my situation and reality. I realise that that which is unknown creates fear within me and that the way to resolve this situation is to map out the alternative scenarios. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to that I had already seen that I there were others in town who restore furniture but that I did not consider calling them up and getting some rough price estimates because I was lazy and did not want to bother as I was already set on making things work with Mr. Z. I realise that I manipulated myself within this situation and accepted the fear as me. I commit myself that in the future when I encounter a scenario where a fear of conflict comes up again, I direct myself to map out alternative routes in handling the problem/solution and that I will not allow myself to identify myself with self-manipulation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in that I identify with my needs and desires. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone can fulfil my needs and desire and that I use this belief to place myself into an inferiority position and the person into a superiority position as I make them more important than myself.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself in that moment through the fear I create of not having my needs fulfilled. I realise that when I am disempowered I also make disempowered decisions and create consequences to which I am blind because I have the starting point of fear. I realise that through self-trust I can see the reality of my needs and desires because when I am self-identified with my needs and desires I can no longer assess what part of the situation is truly need and what is desire and what is common sense and has to be done and in what way. Therefore I commit myself to develop self-trust that I use to navigate the situation when I am possessed by my needs and desires. In self-trust I use the tool of writing and plotting the context on paper so that I can understand what I am accepting in relation to my needs and desires. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory where I am appeasing my parents and through this appeasement, I am able to protect myself instead of saying what I saw that unfolded in front of my eyes and learned to direct myself within it.  i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the interaction with my parents compromised myself because when I spoke out what I saw, i received angry responses and conflict and have used this memory and situation to develop the "appeasing manipulation" approach. Here I realise that when I use the "appeasing manipulation" approach I lose track of the context in which I find myself and only focus on reading another's (my parents) imminent reactions. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have made myself responsible for my parents’ reactions and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I am responsible for navigating the interaction in a way that avoids my parents’ reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger this way of interacting with others when I am in a situation where I would like my needs and desires met by someone else. I realise that today I am standing as the self-directive principle and therefore I let go of the memory of how I interacted with my parents because today I am completely responsible for myself and I determine what takes place in my life in relation to my needs and desires. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I have compromised myself in my life where I created myself from the starting point of navigating another’s reactions and have suppressed myself in fear of conflict. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have manipulated myself and neglected myself by creating fear of conflict and the various programs I deploy to mitigate the projection of fear. I realise that this anger that I experience towards my parents is mixed with resentment because I resent what I have done to myself and project this onto my parents. Today, I am no longer the little child I was when I stored these memories and I accept standing as the self-directive principle where i make decisions in clarity and self-awareness, I therefore give stop all self-manipulation and neglect and face myself to walk through the fear of conflict every situation that it comes up. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have used the desire that I want Mr. Z to do good work on the chairs to limit myself in how I interacted with him. Here I realise that if he would have reacted to my demands, for example to write down the price of the reconstruction of the backrest inset, I could have withdrawn the assignment and gone elsewhere. Again, I realise that there is a fundamental belief that dictates my desires, where I see no options for a given situation, even though I realise that there are no absolutes in this context, I still operate from a "no option" starting point. I forgive myself that I have a memory of my mother often blackmailing me when she wanted me to do something for her, where I had no way out, and that I have used this memory to create a "no option" belief in my interaction with others. I realise today that I am no longer the child that has "no option" but to comply with my mother, and therefore I let go of the blackmail memory once and for all. 

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Thursday, April 16, 2015

Day 573 - The dead of Palermo

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In a recent adventure, my partner and I entered into the catacombs of Palermo. 

In short: It is an underground place with rib vault ceilings where in the year 1599 Capuchin monks began to lay to rest their deceased peers. At that time monks were embalming dead monks and the techniques were so successful that these dead monks turned into mummies. Once the secret was out to the public, wealthy people wanted to be preserved in much the same manner. For a price they were embalmed and put on display so that their living relatives could enter into the catacombs and recite Sunday prayers holding the deceased's hand. As long as relatives paid, the mummy was kept accessible. Over time an alleged number of 8000 mummies have accumulated in the catacombs of Palermo, where today tourists can enter and see the remains. Some mummies are quite well preserved and for that they are famous, for example baby Rosalia Lombardo who is about 100 years old by now but still looks like a perfectly sleeping baby. Most mummies are by far no longer recognisable. 

The mummies are completely exposed and displayed in the open. They are stacked everywhere, the majority however hangs from the walls.  Any tourist can look at a mummy eye to eye socket - they are less than 1metre away. The sheer number of classified mummies is very impressive. Endless corridors are filled with sections for virgins, professionals, priests and so forth. Many mummies wore their best clothes and their age can be told by the fashion they wear.



I walked into the place without expectation or imagination. We had walked quite a distance to get there (from the city centre) and I had no idea what the environment looked like. Entering into the catacombs was not anything special in the sense that I did not have an emotional reaction, but rather a strong physical sense of relation. Many of the mummies were partly turned to dust. Many still had the leathery skin mostly on their limbs, few had it on their faces. I experienced a sense of familiarity and maybe for the first time, a real sense of death without the typical emotion of fear of loss. Yet, the mummies weren't like the ones one encounters in a museum, this perception of "otherness" was curiously absent for me. In a museum setting there is a stark contrast between the dilapidating mummy and the slick museum environment. Mummies are usually visible behind glass, which separates the environment and makes it look more like a computer screen. Here in Palermo, there was no such slickness, the dust, the dirt, everything around the mummies was equally falling apart which made the scenario very realistic. Looking at my body, it made me aware that I was also falling apart, notwithstanding that it was my birthday. Overall though, I felt related to every single mummy and because most of the facial skin was gone, there was a point of equality from one mummy to the next since everyone had more or less a skull as a head. I noticed that individuality comes with a face because I realised that I was more likely to interpret the mummy when the facial skin was more intact. 

When I walked through the catacombs the utter futility of self-interest was staring me in the face, we are living in this life driven by self-interest. Emotions and feelings are the basis of self-interest. I imagined in how many ways each one of these mummies was driven to act and interact in the world based on their emotions, their attachments, their dreams and desires. When in the end all of it was for nothing as it has no intrinsic value, we leave nothing of value behind when we have a starting point of self-interest. The value of our life is that we are ONE POINT in the continuous living thread. One life that connects to all other lives and that one point of life must do everything in its power to create the best possible conditions for the other points of life. 

In discussion with my partner we were looking at the point of inheritance - what people pass on at the time of death. Parents pass stuff onto their children. Children are supposed to be grateful for that. What does passing on really mean though? It means that you created something for yourself and only because you can't use it anymore when you are done with living, you have to pass it on. In the case of parents it's not only at death, but also at birth because parents also pass on their beliefs, programs, ideas, limitations, and emotional constructs to their children. In essence we are constantly imposing our self interest to the next person around us. This is the value we have given to life which is the opposite of what life does in essence.

So how can we change this, how can we pass on and leave behind something that is alive and living? The answer is that we can change our point of reference for our creations, when we stop worrying about ourselves and create for others. When others, their well-being, their growth and living-expression becomes our concern, we not only step over our self-limitations but we actually connect to the source of life. What I experienced with the mummies of Palermo, their very presence and nearness connected me profoundly to the essence of life. 

As I walked out of the catacombs, I was wondering if my realisation is the reason why we keep the dead away from the living, because it would have been unthinkable to be this close to a dead body in other parts of Europe. There would be a myriad of reasons why we cannot be exposed to the dead in this way. I reckon it's because the dead can make us see what is real and what is not, and this could have a dramatic impact on our lives - so much so that we could change the way we relate to each other. 

I am grateful for having visited the catacombs of Palermo they have given me an unparalleled physical reference for the necessity of changing my reference point of creation from "self-interest" to "interest-for-all".

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Monday, March 30, 2015

Day 572 - The friendly face ends here: walking out from a fear design pt2

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Yesterday I had a chat with my buddy and I was discussing with her my next step in the saga of a passive-aggressive colleague, where I am excluded from receiving new information that affects the project’s development process. The effect of this manoeuvre is that am contributing on the basis of old information and therefore make apparent mistakes that look like I am ignoring what has been decided and discussed. As I am walking myself out of fear designs, my plan was to speak up and send an email to one person in the team who has been the go-between, translating decisions from the management to the development team.

When I discussed this with my buddy, she said, why don’t you send it to the entire team ( this would include higher management and those who I have only remote dealings with)? My answer was ""yes, why not, I can do that”

Later on that night I realised why I only wanted to send the information to one person because I thought of him as the “safe" bet - he is the one level-headed guy around who is also a foreigner in the group and who I believe I have more in common with than everyone else. 

So, interesting-  here I saw how I tried to walk the point half-way, keeping it still in the safe-zone within my fear. But it was so cleverly disguised that only after discussions with my buddy when I asked myself “so why did I not think of sending the email to the entire group?” It dawned on me that I was afraid that I would rock the boat - hence that the person whose passive-aggressive tactics I am dealing with would get even more angry and further subjugate me to more tall tails. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to the entire team because I fear that this would increase Mr. F’s anger and would cause him to also increase his strategies to marginalise me. Here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions on how I want to direct myself based on the potential reactions of someone else instead of directing the group based on what is best for all. Because I am standing as the self-directive principle, I am now stopping myself from directing myself on the premise of someone’s reactions by first looking at my solution and checking for myself where I am still allowing fear to exist. Once I am totally clear on the point, I am stepping forth to put the solution into manifestation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my mind to justify my decision on how I was going to direct the situation and have manipulated myself so that I would have created a belief on directing myself but not actually doing so. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have slowed myself down but have moved so fast in my decision making process, so that I could not see the fear connected to the decision sending the email to Mr. B for safety and thus trapping myself in a fear design. Here I realise that I have stalled sending the email - in other words I did not send it right away - because I had a doubt which led me to double-check my approach with my buddy, therefore “saving” myself from walking into the fear design. Thus I realise that I have now seen how I can use doubt effectively to double-check my solutions before I turn them into action and I commit myself to listen to the doubt when it comes up and to look at it in detail so that I am in the position to understand what I am trying to hide from myself or how I am trying to manipulate myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have labelled the members of the team I am working with within negative and positive polarisation, so that I can attach emotions to each team member instead of realising that I can stand one and equal to each team member and focus on my own self-direction instead of reacting to the behaviour of other team members. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in this way, by allowing myself to react to others, since I allow myself to have a (reactive) picture of each team member in my mind. Here I realise that I am standing as the self-directive principle and within this I make myself aware when I am in the process of pegging people from my point of self-interest based on their emotional reactions to me. When and as I am noticing that I am pegging a colleague I stop myself and slow myself down so as to let go of creating an emotional interaction line with the person. I commit myself to release myself from labelling others through my perceptions of them and walk the context of each situation, where I identify the ‘players' of the situation by who they are in the context of the situation, and I stop all emotional attachments that I project onto another. 
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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Day 571 - The friendly face ends here pt1

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Before I started process, I was an exceedingly friendly person. Once I realised that this was a label I gave myself I also realised that the deep dark secret behind this label was that I wanted to be liked, that I wanted to please, that I feared others, and that I wanted to avoid conflict. This one tag covers a broad spread of dimensions all related to the value of self. I have been walking these dimensions in layers and I can see the change in how I relate to my environment because I no longer jump to please others and I no longer run away from conflict - of course this is in relative terms as I am still walking...

In the recent days I noticed a point that has reared it's head and at the same time shown some shifting. It's a point that comes up when I am interacting with others, where I will go along with a notion in a conversation, or a notion of mannerism because the other person has initiated it or likes it that way. Two points in case: 

I have recently moved offices (yes again!) and my co-worker likes to talk about casual things, such as fashion or gender typing her boyfriend in what he does or does not do. In the beginning when I moved in to the office - this is just a couple of weeks ago, I just went along and tried to chime into the conversation, not seem rude and to be friendly. I adapted myself to her even though I don't really care about these things and don't see them important enough to discuss. However, this point of self-adaption has been so prevalent that I never questioned the idea that I don't really have to talk about these things if I don't want to. At some point recently there was a shift in our relationship which had to do with work and is not relevant for this post. Let's just say because of this shift, I stopped going into the verbal compromise where I no longer chime in and perpetuate the conversation along the lines of fashion and boyfriend do's and don'ts. Something happened within me. I experienced myself as lighter, relieved in a way because I no longer had to 'go' to the fashion and boyfriend talk. I experienced this new way of relating as more authentic, yet from my perception as a lot less friendly, because I am no longer adapting myself. In previous posts I have walked this personality of wanting to please but I have not had this kind of clear feedback up until now, where I could see the difference in my self-experience. 


The second instance is about an exercise class where I was usually put on a friendly face as I am standing across from my instructor, together with everyone else. I was giving her feedback by smiling and participating through my facial expression. The last time I was there, I did not smile but just held my face as I am when I am by myself. It felt awkward because I saw that the instructor expected me to smile and nod along as if I was saying "cool class". Interestingly enough, at some point she came to me and asked me if everything was OK. So here I was no longer fulfilling her expectations of being the friendly face and supportive participant and this threw her off. 

What I am experiencing now is that there is still a clumsy way in which I look for my relaxed comfortable face…


Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for using my facial expression as personality attribute to exhibit friendliness and to accommodate others because I believe that if I adjust my face for another then I establish a friendly common ground, similar to holding up a white flag that signals to my interaction partner that I have no weapons and I don't want to harm - whereby I realise that this is still a habit in my physical body which is/was rooted in my expectation that the person I interact with can potentially harm me. I realise that this is a memory of my childhood from when I interacted with my parents and I had to gauge if the situation was dangerous for me but I no longer experience the fear but my body/face is still operating on this level. Today, I am standing as the self-directive principle and I direct myself to be comfortable and relaxed with my face and hold my face as it suits me from my expression that is rooted in my relationship with Self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in awkward ways because I am finding my relaxed face when I no longer project friendliness using my face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am causing reactions in others for this change, when I realise that I cannot change another's reaction but can remain in stability with myself. I realise that I am standing as the self-directive principle and as such I stop interpreting another's mannerism and relate to the context that is here in every moment of breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother who used to be very upset and angry with us, her family, and the moment when someone outside from the family would approach her, she would shift into friendliness and this would upset me because I judged her as two-faced. Today I realise that her friendliness was put on for others to see because she experienced herself as inferior. Hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my mother as two-faced and have been angry at her for that because I see that this was the program she ran to deal with her inferiority. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother commenting on one of our neighbours who did not smile back to her when they crossed paths, where my mother judged her as aloof, inaccessible and unfriendly and that I decided that I did not want to be like that because I feared someone making comments about me the way my mother made comments about this neighbour. Today I realise that I stood as inferior to my mother and that I used the words she spoke to program myself, also because I desired to be liked and accepted by her. I now release myself from these programs and direct myself from within the relationship I have with myself where I decide who I want to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother who would get very upset if we were walking outside on the sidewalk and I was exploring my surroundings as a young child and would not immediately yield if someone was trying to pass me and within that I forgive myself that I have programmed myself to believe that it is my duty to yield to others whenever I can, even to the point where I cause myself inconveniences and inflict pain onto myself. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and I stop yielding to others and decide for myself in common sense how I move and behave as a self-expression. 








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