Thursday, September 18, 2014

Day 554 - Realisation about the "Newcomers in my office"

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In relation to my previous post Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1, I had some realisations that I am going to share. As I wrote previously, it felt like a sudden onslaught when 3 people joined our office as we were not informed by the administration and fears of being disturbed and losing our "peace" started to arise. But in parallel to this situation, I realised that I am also walking another point which added to the "system equation". In the course of becoming stable within myself, in situations like this one I would have habitually reacted to the newcomers by putting my best foot forward. This step translates to behaviour that overcompensates for my insecurities about the new people and who I am in relation to them.  However, I am no longer "acting" nice to establish relationships. Therefore, at times, I am unsure how to interact at all.

How I noticed that this was going on, was at a moment where I had thoughts come up that I would have used in the past to kick myself into 'nice' behaviour.  Because for a moment I could see that I was thinking about not being "nice enough" to the new people since I have been keeping to myself and interacting only when necessary. In the past, this thought would have moved me to nice behaviour in an attempt to make up for how I judged myself. Here, when the thought came up, I did not follow the rabbit hole but instead just breathed and stayed here. More importantly in that moment, I did nothing, I focussed on my work. I went home that day and wrote self forgiveness on the point which made me realise what just happened.

Another point that I saw in relation to this situation was the hindsight of something I lived through as the newcomer to the research unit. In other words, when I was on the receiving end, having come to the research unit through series of "unfortunate" circumstances, I wasn't welcomed with open arms by the professors in charge.  In a recent meeting I saw that the situation was dissolving somewhat into something new because one of the professors was becoming more approachable. So here I realised that it takes time to integrate new people when they appear through or with unintended consequences and that when we are new somewhere, most of us expect to be welcomed. Slowing down and developing patience is the solution to integrating as a newcomer but also to receive a new person into one's habitual environment.





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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1

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We went from a two person office occupying a five person office to being completely staffed with five people, suddenly and unexpected. Meaning, there was no communication or indication by the administration of the faculty that three people would suddenly join our office. Prior to the new situation, my colleague and I had a very good set-up. We both liked a quiet atmosphere to work in, and we had a complimentary rhythm. I could ask her about issues or aspects concerning the university because she had been there for quite a long time and she was well-informed. Things were easy.

Since the new women came to share the office, things have changed. The quiet atmosphere we had is gone. There is suddenly a lot of movement, the door is being opened and closed, it’s noisy and not comfortable anymore. Yesterday I voiced myself about the door being open and closed a lot, making me uncomfortable because I sit in the line of draft  between the window and the door. When I talked to the woman I wasn’t very clear and directive because I “feared” her reaction and she indeed reacted to me. 

Why did I let the anger build up inside of me when I have shown myself in other situations that I can breathe the emotion in and let it go - so why did I not stop myself?
What was a I afraid of that I could not communicate my point straight and with clarity?

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up about the door being opened and closed because I felt I was speaking from reaction and I realised that this would be evident if I were to speak up in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the newcomers opening and closing the door because I feel disturbed in my usual way of working. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience one of the girls as forceful and fear that I will have to battle her to be able to have a stable working environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a belief instead of being here equal and one to the situation of sharing my working environment with others and relating to everyone as an equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as holding on to an energy that is located in my chest area, which I experience as tightness and restriction and where I believe that I am unable to relax and let this energy go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am creating this physical reaction because I fear who I would be if I were to let go of this energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately focus on the movements of the new office colleagues to be able to judge and evaluate their behaviour so that I can feed my backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs around what I require in my environment to work effectively and use these beliefs to limit myself and give me a reason to create anger energy in relation to my new office mates. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others because I deliberately do not want to change myself to stand one and equal to the new situation and the new people in my daily work environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want  others to have access to my world because I believe that with access comes responsibility for me to communicate and to express myself and within that I fear not being able to communicate my needs, and thus others will impose themselves on me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react from a memory of my mother imposing her will upon me and me accepting it because I feared her wrath and her reactions - and so I programmed myself to get away from my mother as the only solution to stay in control of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have modeled my relationships with others on the basis of my interaction with my mother and the anger reactions that I experienced with her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am still reacting to my mother’s anger reactions by allowing and accepting the beliefs and fears I currently live in relation to my new office situation.  


I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless when new people come into my life as I once was powerless when I was a child and interacting with my mother. 

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Friday, September 5, 2014

Day 552 "Would you be able to help…..?" Commitment to change

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In this post I am stating the commitments in relation to the self-forgiveness statements written on days 549, 550 and 551.

I commit myself to continue to release the emotional charge of the memory involving my parents and a bunch of children from the streets of the neighbourhood where I grew up in, and where I was used as a scapegoat for a broken window when in effect I was an innocent bystander - I am committed to release all emotional dimensions from this memory.

When and as I am being asked for help by someone, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down and take my time to look at the point in front of me to see the consequences of saying "yes" as well as the consequences of saying "no" and when I have seen both sides, only then I make a decision to do what works with my situation.

When and as I am being asked for help by someone and I do not manage to slow myself down and look at the point in front of me, I defer the answer to later and communicate this to the person, and I walk away and find a quiet moment where I can look at the point and make a decision that works for my situation.

When and as I arrive at the answer "no" which I then have to tell the person that is asking me for help, I stop,  I breathe out any emotion in relation to feeling bad or guilty about having said "no" to the person.

I commit myself to stop any and all participation in thoughts and imaginations regarding the answers "no" or "yes" and focus on staying grounded and connected to physical reality.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand in depth that saying "yes" or "no" to another has no  relationship with my self-value.

When and as I am in the position where I have to answer someone who is asking me for something with "yes" or "no" I stop and breathe, I slow myself to down to see if there are any reactions that come or if there is any thoughts triggered by me speaking these words and if so, I continue to work on this point by writing myself out in self-forgiveness until there is no more movement in relation to speaking these two words.

When and as I am asking myself a question, I slow myself down and look at the point in front of me and look at all the consequences in relation to the question, and then I make a decision what is best for me and all others who are affected by my decision.


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Monday, September 1, 2014

Day 551 "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 3

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In this post I continue with the point of feeling uncomfortable about declining to help another. In the previous post I left of with redefining the word "no"and in this post I continue by redefining the word "yes". 

"yes"

Dictionary definition:

- used to express affirmation or assent or to mark the addition of something emphasizing and amplifying a previous statement

- an affirmative reply


sound the word:


yhhh - sounds like an onomatopoeia that is irksome


es - sounds bit like ice


Experience of the word:


In the previous post I saw that speaking the word "yes" in relation to myself produces a reaction within me, a resistance to give something to myself. Again, I have automated myself to say "yes" to other people without considering the consequences of saying "yes" and how they affect my life. This is part of the "pleasing others program" I have dealt with in previous posts. 


Redefinition of the word:

The word "yes" signals a decision to a question where the path that is opened up by the question is continued. 

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to experience myself saying "yes" to my external world whereby I feel comfortable and  delighted, and that I have further programmed myself to feel uncomfortable saying "yes" to things concerning myself and therefore rarely allow myself to say "yes" to myself. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by polarising myself with the external and internal world of my life, and have used the words yes/no to create this separation within myself. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the words "yes" and "no" emotional charges so that I can use the words to run the program of wanting to be liked/appreciated by others, and also run the program of self-judgement and self-punishment, in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given "yes" a positive charge when the question concerns others and not myself, and in relation to myself I have charged "yes" negatively when the questions centres on me deciding about something for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to want to automatically respond to questions asked by others in an affirmative manner instead of standing back and evaluating the scope of the question in that I walk the time line to understand the consequences of what my answer "yes" or "no" would entail.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that if I answer someone's question asked in relation to me with a "yes" that I am open-minded, caring, and well-meaning and with this belief have separated myself from the question and from the words open-minded, well-meaning and caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said "yes" to a situation and only later realised the consequences that I have created for myself and then regretted my answer.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said "no" to a situation and only later realised the consequences that I have created for myself and then regretted the answer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my superior/inferior programs to express these programs within the words yes/no.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience giving to myself with resistance which manifests when I speak the word "yes" in relation to what I give to myself. 


[Continue reading...]

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Day 550 "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 2

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In this post I follow up on my previous post where I talked about feeling uncomfortable when I decline helping another. 

The main realisation I had was that saying "No"as a best-for-all response triggered me feeling less than someone else and in turn triggered thoughts related to not being good enough


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "no" as a trigger for experiencing myself as less than someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "no" to limit myself because I allow myself to go into self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "no" comfortably when I am seeing myself as superior to the situation and to try to avoid using the word "no" when I am seeing myself as inferior to the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have polarised myself into "yes" and "no" and exist within with "yes" and "no" in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined "yes" as good, accepting, friendly and kind and have defined "no" as bad, limiting, mean and rejecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards letting go of the definitions and beliefs surrounding the words "yes" and "no".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss when letting go of the definitions and beliefs of the words "yes" and "no".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a physical reaction to the words yes/no where I feel a lightness in my chest area when speaking the word "yes" and I feel a contracting sensation in the area of my intestines. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine pictures of lightness when I speak the word "yes" - such as sunshine, blossoming flowers, pastel colours and soft shapes and pictures of darkness when I speak the word "no" - such as night time, thunder, sirens, rain, flooding and death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to default with the word "yes" to another's question in reaction to my father who always answered my questions with "no".

Redefinition of the words "yes" and "no".


"no"

dictionary definition: 

a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request

sounding the word:

nnnnh - as in maybe, undecided 
ohhhh - as in astonishment

Experience of the word:
Generally I don't feel comfortable speaking the word "no" in relation to someone's question, but there are a few situations when speaking "no" in response to a question comes forth very clearly. With the word "no" I am usually thinking more of the consequences that could follow from saying "no" to someone. Though, I don't have reactions when saying "no" to myself. A realisation here is that 
saying "no" to myself is much easier than saying "yes" to myself. When saying "yes" to myself, I am again looking more towards the consequences, which I don't experience when saying "no" to myself.

Redefinition of the word "no":

The word "no" signals a decision to a question where the path that is opened up by the question is not continued. 
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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Day 549 - "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 1

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In this post I am deconstructing a pattern which I encountered a few days ago.

I am asked to participate in supporting/helping someone but my schedule is already quite full and I am unable to support the other due to time constraints. My reaction in this situation is that I feel inferior to the situation and to the person asking me for assistance. I feel ‘bad’ because I cannot accommodate another and I have the urge to somehow communicate to them the extend to which I am already booked so that there can be no doubt that I am speaking the truth.

The way I communicate in this situation is with an unstable voice and with timid gestures. The fact that I am uncomfortable comes through in how I place my words where I am evading to give a straight "no" answer.

When I ask myself what is this fear, an old memory comes up again. A memory I have been looking at in self-forgiveness multiple times but obviously have not yet uncovered all the dimensions surrounding this memory. 

So the pattern is that I fear others don’t believe me when I decline helping/supporting because furthermore I have programmed myself to automatically say ‘yes’ when I am asked for help. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the emotional charge of the memory involving my parents and a bunch of children from the street of our neighbourhood where I grew up. The group of children, who used me a scapegoat for a broken window, followed me home to speak to my parents and falsely accused me of having broken the window. Once the children had involved my parents they believed the words of the children instead of my words proclaiming my innocence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my parents responsible for the emotional charge that I experienced in this moment where I felt cornered by the children and expected my parents to save me from the children by recognising my innocence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a belief within myself where when someone asks me for help, I go into automated behaviour where my default answer is “yes” without further considering the consequences that I am creating for myself and so I compromise myself in order to help the other person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified the belief that I have to be available to help another or feel bad about not helping because I fear that when I need help no one is there to help me, and so by having this belief that as long as I help others, I will be helped as well, I calm myself down in my fear that when I need help I am left to my own devices. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the experience of feeling abandoned by my parents to create a fear within myself that if I do not help others at all times I risk being abandoned again. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not believe me and that this will diminish my chances of being liked by another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to a belief that I must accumulate credits in another so that I am liked and so that others will help me when I am in need of help and support. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automatic response when others address me with a question of support, where I use the question to trigger this program, instead of slowing myself down and looking at the request in detail to determine what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a picture where I am standing alone in the rain completely wet, and cold to the bone, alone and abandoned, and so I fear that this picture will become my reality if I don’t respond with ‘yes’ to another’s request for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from everyone else and that I must earn my oneness through my participation and interaction with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that I must earn my keep which I programmed myself with when I was a child where I tried to please my parents in order to avoid their anger and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to have a sense of value when I earn this value through my actions that I perform which makes it possible for others to assess me through my actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that this belief having to earn oneness has compromised me to believe that I am inferior to others and that the path of equality is something I have to prove to others through my actions.
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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Day 548 - more on ego @work - point c.

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In this post I continue from what I summarised on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work
c. Dislike of the professor and regret for having addressed him with my idea. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. in terms of disliking him,  when I see, realise and understand that what i dislike is that he does not react in ways that I want him to react, where I feel comfortable within my preprogrammed design, and so that I can move forward with the project and I have someone who will take more responsibility regarding the tasks involved, in writing the various parts of the project that I believe are difficult to write. 

When and as I see that I have resistance to something I stop right there and within this example I see that I could have cleared myself from the resistance before I went to talk to the prof. because I was aware that I had gone into resistance and thus the situation unfolded as it did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. because I want someone else to take most responsibility for the writing of the section that I fear to write because I believe that this is unknown territory for me and because it is not my research area I would probably miss obvious connections that are instrumental to producing a successful application. 

I see, realise and understand that this project idea requires several areas  of expertise and that I cannot embody them all and within that I realise further that I can stand within the idea without fear and continue patiently with my search for other collaborators. I commit myself to use this project as opportunity to step by step walk out of the fears that arise, and move myself gently forward and stop all expectations as to a successful assembly of a consortium for the proposal writing process.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the project is indeed a collaborative effort where several expertise come together, and that there is no need for me to develop a fear and thus judge others because they do not respond to me in the way that assures me that they will fill the void regarding the parts of the project I am unfamiliar with. 

I commit myself to release all judgements and dislikes and see, realise and understand that what I judged is myself because I, in dishonesty, I did not clear my fears. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret addressing the prof because i feel shame that we did not click and that I did not present myself in a better light - meaning that I see myself as failure in the way I have made contact with him. 

When and as I have another thought of shame come up, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that this is my own making that I interpret someone else's behaviour so that I can experience myself in shame.

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