Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Day 567 - Letting go of the worst case scenario - Realisations & commitments on the thought dimension pt6

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In my previous post I wrote about the thought dimension, here I am writing about my realisations….

What I realised about the thought dimension is twofold: the influence of the media regarding the dire economic situation and the influence of others in my field who I use as a point of comparison - are the ingredients which together create the worst case scenario picture in my mind

In the first instance, I am facing a lot of news about the economic crisis, unemployment figures that are sky-high and continue to rise. There are countries where youth unemployment is at 55%. This is obviously a devastating situation. Even though I am not overtly reacting to these news I am still affected by it and how it plays out is that I start to project into the future what the economic situation may mean for me. It's the insecurity of our economic system on the one hand and the visible collapse of it on the other hand that leaves us collectively distraught. In my case it contributes to thoughts of homelessness and loss of livelihood. 

The other influence is the direct comparison of myself as professional in the work place. I have noticed that I compare myself to others in terms of rank and projects. The moment I am aware of it, I see the absurdity of it because my professional trajectory is unlike anyone else's in my work environment. I know this is an automated mechanism which, as of late, I tend to participate in until the moment when I am becoming aware of what I am doing and then I stop

Commitments:

When and as I am reading the news about the economic world situation, I breathe and stop my subtle reactions, I see, realise and understand that the situation is very bad and that with and through my participation to change myself and change the system I am doing what I can do. This entails a disciplined and steady approach in participating with the group to bring about a system that works on the principles of a living income for all. 

When and as I am at work and I look at others and compare myself to them professionally, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have a completely different trajectory behind me and that this trajectory also gives me completely different future opportunities, and that through comparison I only diminish myself and therefore I stop. I hold off any speculation and see, realise and understand that any projection in relation to this act of comparison is a figment of my mind and that I can will myself to stay out of it. 

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Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 566 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt5

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In this post I am tackling the next dimension of this series, the thought dimension. This dimension is usually a picture we conjure up in our minds…. here we go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes see glimpses of a world that is seen through the eyes of a homeless person - and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture where I am lying in the street waking up in the morning and all around me are legs walking really fast and I am afraid that I am being stepped on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me being very filthy where I am living in the street and no one wants to get near me because of my stench. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself homeless in the street where I want to ask for money but I don't dare to because I fear the rejection from others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture where I look out into the world and everyone is scared of me because I am homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me of being cold and wanting to sleep but because I am in the street and I am afraid to lie down because I do not feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of my friends running away from me because I am homeless and no one wants to help me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be homeless and hungry and see all the good things I could eat if I only had some money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be homeless and reflect on the ways I could manage to leave this world because I have entirely given up on myself.
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Sunday, November 30, 2014

Day 565 - Letting go of the worst case scenario - Fear dimension - Realisations & Commitment pt4

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In the previous posts

Day 564 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt3

Day 563 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt2

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1

I have written about a fear that has been with me for many years, I remember being in college /university and having a faint glimpse of this fear but having always managed to "not go there" by suppressing the fear. 

So, now when I looked at the pattern when this fear has reared its head in the past, I saw that it was in specific situations where I did not have enough information to achieve a particular outcome/goal and that there was a relatively high "unknown" factor coupled to the situation/event. The "unknown" was a variable with the potential to have a substantial impact on the quality of my life and even survival.

If I look at it from what I have know about the mind/brain then this is very much the most instinctual aspect of my brain which is in its essence all about fear. The reptilian part of the brain is a system that decides very quickly about many things in our lives. How we like/dislike someone, what a piece of information means? How we should react to an event. It's the brain that works in complete polarisation: fight or flight. Black and white. It cannot compute complexity, and takes very little information to make a decision and hogs imagination to fill in the rest to make up an unsubstantiated story. It's a show. 

Specifically, when we do not have enough data about a person, event, situation - such as when we receive, say, an email from our boss that will only ask us to appear in her office we automatically go into fear states because it's this part of the brain that kicks in to prepare for the worst case scenario. All kinds of 'reasons' that seem plausible in that moment will come up in our minds and we believe them. 

The interesting component is that we have the knowledge about the workings of our brains/minds, it's known to many people and yet we still react to this part of it. Largely because it functions with an enormous speed so that we cannot even see how the situation evolves to a fear state. The fear is suddenly here, and that's it. 

In my commitment to let go of this fear, I see that in the moment when I do not have enough information about a situation/event that has a potential of changing my life (which may also have in part a lot of desire attached to it ) that I allow the automatic functioning of my reptilian brain to take over and generate fear. Even though from another point of view, I see that I do not have sufficient data to predict and project any potential trajectories into the future. 

Therefore the key to stop the reptilian part of my brain to step in for me and take over my mind, is for me to take the reigns into my awareness by slowing myself down. Slowing down is the antidote to speed, so this is where my will comes in. By putting my will onto the process of slowing myself down, I prevent the reptilian brain to take over. Because I will occupy the spot with my self-awareness and move into my chest so that I can concentrate on my breathing utterly and completely without wavering. 

What I have seen already when I have done this is that it stops the automated mechanism being invoked by the reptilian brain, so there is no fight, no flight, I emerge on the other side intact and still in self awareness. 

Commitment:

I commit myself to when and as I am in a situation/event/moment where I am either receiving not enough data to work with, or I am desiring to have more data on a specific issue in my life, I remind myself to bring myself here in awareness instantly and focus on my breathing andbody language, actually moving my body into a power position which I will hold for 2 min. while I continue to focus on my breathing, and from this point forward, I will proceed to participate with my surrounding again. 

In the next posts I will address the remaining dimensions.
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Friday, November 28, 2014

Day 564 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt3

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In this post I continue from the previous post….


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear of becoming homeless when things are looking up in my life but when they are going down the fear comes out and stifles me in being able to see the things in my life for what they are. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the fear that I will have no other means/ways to direct myself if I were to become homeless and lose everything then to roam the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking out into the world through the eyes of a homeless woman who roams the street and having to endure all the negativity and pity from the people around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have to compromise myself in many ways if I were to lose everything so that I would become dependent on another person because I want to avoid roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless and lose everything and would have to live in the street that I would have no more privacy, and that waking up in the morning in the street where other people are walking would be a hellish experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless with nowhere to go and I would get sick, I would not be able to get help and die from sickness a horrible and painful death. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless and lose everything and roam the streets I would die in the streets in a public place with no one to care about assisting me in my last hour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were with a partner while becoming homeless because I have lost everything that this partner would leave me because of my homeless status and that this would make it even worse for me. 

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything I would give up on myself and that this would render me homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything and become homeless that I would regret not applying myself more in my process to walk out of my self-created limitations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would be ashamed of myself if I were to become homeless and roam the street because I used to be afraid of homeless people when I was not homeless myself.


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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Day 563 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt2

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I am continuing from my previous post….

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that this fear exists within me, and that I do not even want to go near the thought and look at it but instead have created a wall within myself in total separation from myself, so that I remain in fear and dwell on the energyof fear instead of directing the fear and ending it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to rely on the mercy of others, being completely dependent for my survival on another's judgement whether I am worthy to receive alms so that I can survive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the fear of becoming a bag lady to pity the homeless women I see and to deeply feel sorry for them, which indicates to me that I am content that I am not the one roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a bag lady because above all I fear the shame I would be experiencing if my life were to turn in this direction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to share whatever I have available with other homeless people if I were to become homeless and would have to survive in the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that losing everything and becoming homeless is just something that can happen to me without me having any power to direct the situation prior to losing everything and becoming homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friends would end their friendship with me if I were to become a bag lady - therefore I fear being completely alone in the world and not having a familiar face to talk to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never ever considered the life of a bag lady by putting myself in her shoes without a host of emotional reactions because I have only ever considered such a life from the perspective of pain, sorrow and failure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having to go to a public shelter where I have heard from my friends who are social workers, homeless people are attacked, robbed, injured and assaulted by other homeless people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and being completely helpless and exposed with no place to withdraw and get away to feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having lost everything and wanting to die but not having the courage to actually perform the act of killing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living as a bag lady and never ever having the opportunity to make amends, to reverse the situation and live a "normal" life again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and never ever being able to sleep in a bed again and to use a flushing toilet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the situation where I have lost everything because I would have to find long lost relatives to help me and I would no longer have the means and knowledge of their whereabouts to do so. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and spending my life roaming the streets because I fear the suffering that would await me if this situation were to come true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own disgust of the situation, I would have to face, if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer having goals that I can pursue and no longer having a purpose in my life if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I am not living my preprogrammed life that chances that I can lose everything and roam the streets are higher as if I had stayed within my preprogrammed design. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have completely ignored the fact that a homeless person is just like me, and just like me suffers from the system we have designed and created together. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1

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In my last buddy chat, I was asked to imagine the worst case scenario I could conjure up for myself. Only towards the end of the chat I was able to actually say what it would be. My answer was: I lose everything and end up roaming the streets. My buddy had asked me several questions prior to this one, how would I handle the situation if I lost my job and so forth… I could see in my answers that I actually no longer default to self-devaluation which was cool feedback on my process. However, the "bag lady" fear seems to have a stronghold on me. Here is what my buddy said:

"….the judgement towards this scenario within myself is the point that creates the fear within self. After you have done the self-forgiveness stand within the shoes of the bag lady. Allow yourself to become the bag lady in your mind. You will find many resistances to this… and once you are able to stand one and equal, then you will know that your self-forgiveness is complete." 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and being left with nothing so that I have to live in the street for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that living without support in anyway, so that I am left roaming the street is the worst thing I can imagine for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the fear to becoming a bag lade control me and use this fear to judge the life style of the bag lady as the worst case scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of the BXL train station where lots and lots of homeless people live and in this memory I am scared of the people because I have an aversion to the smell and the dirty existence that these men and women lead. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear, anxiety, aversion and dirty existence to the memory of the homeless people living in the BXL's train stations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that as a bag lady I could not preserve myself that I would not be able to eat the trash that others leave behind and that I would not be able to overcome the shame and therefore rather die. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if the worst case scenario were true I would not being able to wash my body or wash my clothes and that I have to lie in the street to sleep,  in the cold and wet not having anywhere to go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything that I would have many regrets about the things I did and didn't do in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to live in the streets that I could get attacked by men and that there would be no one to help me or protect me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I might get my hands on by roaming the streets, I have to protect very well because other homeless people might attack me and want what I have found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets so that I can no longer walk my process and write self-forgiveness because I am so consumed by the situation that I have fallen into the depths of anxiety and fear, so that I am unable to stand up again.  




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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Day 561 - Being thrown into a new environment pt4

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The week is over, my work at the commission is completed. Again, the interaction with my ad-hoc colleagues during this intense work week brought out many aspects of my patterns or "characters" that I am still facing in the sense that i am aware of them and still have automated reactions. Some patterns, I have been able to transcend when they came up, but with other patterns I see that my will is not yet strong enough to stop the behaviour. 

In this post I will summarise the commitments (from the self-forgiveness in the previous post) that will put the patterns I still act out into perspective. 

If and when I am in a new environment where I have thoughts that I will be challenged professionally, I will first accept that the challenge is neither negative nor positive and if I lean into either direction then I see, realise and understand that i am existing in energy within the polarity of good/bad so that I release the energy.

I see, realise and understand that I have connected the idea of "challenge" to fear as well as positive excitement. In the case of this event, I recognise that I defaulted to fear because I believe that my skill set is not at the level I would like it to be and that I use desire/ the ego picture of myself to create emotions which obstruct my view of reality. What I have learned from this event was that my skill set was sufficient and that it was not expected of me to have more skill then I do. I commit myself to continue walking out of the thoughts that keep me limited in terms of what I should be, should have, and how I should act, and accept where I am at without self-judgement and self-condemnation. 

I see, realise and understand further that as I judge myself, I also judge and react to others. I therefore commit myself to continue placing my awareness on "judgement" patterns, to be able to release myself from judging myself and others throughout (all) situations that I encounter in my life. 

I see, realise and understand that entering into an unknown situation is a trigger for me where I allow self-judgement and judgement of others, anticipation, shame, as well as ego pictures to “take over”. 

I commit myself to continue looking into the construct that ‘new’ and ‘unknown’ environments present in my programming "makeup" until I understand the relationship between the fear of entering into these situations and the memories I have used to keep this fear going. 

I commit myself further to continue exposing myself to new environments and to challenge my comfort zones so that I can explore myself through my reactions in these environments.
[Continue reading...]
 
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